Caught somewhere in time

Please allow me to reintroduce myself. I am human and that means I am not perfect but for many years I tried to be perfect and that lead me to a dark place called Depression. For years, I tried to run away from myself until I couldn’t run anymore, and I had a major crisis. I needed to change, but for what? I didn’t know who I was, and I didn’t know how I felt. So, I started to start exercising to lose weight, and quit smoking (cigarettes) and drinking.

The physical pain of exercising started to help with my emotions, and next thing I know I was racing Ironman Professionally because that felt good. After a while things were getting shaky and it wasn’t feeling good anymore, in fact, was a case of the Mondays after every single race.

In 2014 another crisis broke, it was like a Deja-vu because I realized I haven’t changed a bit, I just substitute on addiction to the other and this time was even worst! I mean, way worst. During my crisis the thoughts off hurting myself came up many times, but one thing always prevented me from doing: Music, more specific Metal and Punk. I mean, every single time I thought about it I went back to my albums, listen to music and I would connect to my soul. 2014/2015 (beginning) was different because due to life I lost my entire collection of albums (300 plus albums) and I actually did hit myself in the head a few times, nothing major but it was scary and I could not look myself in the mirror. I didn’t look good naked, because that was not me.

2015 came along and I was able through writing to start expressing my feelings. I was finally able to say that I wanted to become a Dad and have a family, and in the end of October, meaning October 31st he was conceived. During the 2015 season I slowly started to race less and focus in other things.

January 2016, I did my last race, I tried to go back to training, but my soul was screaming for a change. I could no longer keep racing. Eight weeks before Luke was born, I got my so dreamed guitar (since I was 5 years old). July 2016 Luke was born, and he was born with a physical challenged called nemaline myopathy. I remember one day thinking how I am going to teach him to accept himself and his challenges when I haven’t accepted myself?!?! Therefore, the process intensified, which I like to call a rebirth process, questioning everything, I mean every fucking thing. I went deep, as deep as I could go.

From 2016 until 2019 it was a huge process of reconnecting with my truth self, where I finally started, I finally started to feel comfortable in my skin, but my voice was not there yet. I wanted to follow another path, but the fear and judgements were still there.

Caught somewhere

2020 came up fast my project is ready but with no action. I was having lots of trouble putting into action, it was almost like I could not move forward, I was paralyzed. Everything that I want to do is clear to me, but I needed action.

Well, last week we went to check our 2nd baby ultrasound, and unfortunately, we got the news that we had a missed miscarriage, and it was just a matter of time for the physical effects to appears.  That hit me hard. Hit me hard so that a thought, why wait? I mean we have 1 in 400 trillion chance of being born, why wait to be happy? Why wait to be who you are? Why let fear and judgment stop you from being happy? So here we are, somewhere in time and I finally caught my SOUL!

Please check it out my project at www.rock-it-ology.com and check out some of my cool T-shirt designs at https://www.distinctbranding.com/collections/team-higher-purpose.

May the life force be with you!

Richard Wygand

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