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Chapter 18: Holy smoke

Life is not about waiting the storm to pass, neither learning how to dance in the rain. Life is about realizing you are the storm. Once you realize you are the storm you will be able to connect the dots in your life. As I explain in this blog before I had a lot of traumas that led me to depression. Trauma is real, and not our fault but I believe is our duty to heal.

The truth is I have always been sensitive, and as a child I was severely sensitive. I mean I felt the whole thing, I can feel people and places energy; I have an insane amount of deja-vus; I have dreams that came into reality and an intuition that goes beyond what I can explain. I also have always been attracted to esoteric stuff since an early age. At a very young age I was thought quickly that boys didn’t cry and that the music that made me feel good, was evil. Well, you blend this together and I became a very fearful kid. I was afraid of my own existence at that point.

I try to talk about it. I really did, many times. The first time, I tried to talk to a priest, but I was judge from the get go and accused of using drugs. As a sensitive person you know when they are lying, plus on that time I was totally against marijuana, I saw as a drug, now I see as medicine. After a few years of trying to talk I end up shutting myself up even more and that became hell. I really don’t know how hell can be any worst than feeling and not being able to speak or even be heard. Not be able to cry, not be able to express. That’s true hell.

In 2004 I finally said fuck it, I wanted to be health and happy. Therefore, like a punk I decided to to find the answers for myself and I started my healing process. I started with therapy, but I knew it that life was more than what we think it is. In 2005 I thought about going to a monastery and become a monk. I was rediculzed about this thought the same way I was when I said I was going to be a pro athlete as a kid. Every one said, I couldn’t be a holy man, I was to wild, and the music I heard was not holy. Even though they never really asked me what I felt and why I wanted that. After I finished my first ironman, I thought, “this is better then a monastery”. The physical pain helped with my emotional pain, and the training was like a moving meditation. Months later after my first ironman, I found true love. I found the woman that was going to be the mother of my children. Long story but I just knew it she was the one.

Back in 2012 I decided to add more things to my healing. Things like Reiki, past life regression, esoteric books, body talk and I restarted listening to music during my workouts. Specially metal and punk rock. That was the beginning of my escape from hell. After Luke was born he woke up my soul and I realized that health is about mind, body and soul. And I kept the soul out of the equation for a long time. So I had to go deep in my soul to look for answers. Months later in 2016 I became a Reiki master and honestly the last 4 years I was determined to connect the dots. A few weeks after I finished my interviews with the ghostwriter and I held Amber in my arms I connected and started losing the fear. After all, I always heard you will understand when you are a father. Well I am a father now, actually father of 2.

Apparently, there is a thing called clairaudience which is a type of medium ship. One of the characteristics of that is: You get signs from songs and things people say. Is like, you hear a song or listen to something and you can connect the dots in your life. Is freaky to be honest, but is no joke, it is real! Same thing of being an empath, that you feel energy, that shit is real too. Anyways, apparently this shit is really strong in me. Like, fucked up strong, and the biggest irony of all is that the so called “devil” music guided me out of hell, a hell that religion put me on it for listening to heavy metal! Ha, isn’t that fantastic?

That is why I want to learn all the songs the guided me all this time because it heals my soul. Trauma is real and weed does helps with going beyond the trauma. Something called detachment in psychiatry. Either way, weed helps in going beyond the trauma, like I can detach from the trauma and coffee gives me the energy to make it happen. These are a powerful combination. Now, what it all means I don’t know. Where it all going to go I don’t know. All I know is my Reiki is crazy good, it feels good to learn those songs, and to talk about spirituality in a form of philosophy. It’s a huge relief. Also, I have that feeling inside that says I must tell this story.

The truth is my entire existence was based on “faith” in the life force because I didn’t know how I was going to do. I didn’t want to go to college, I didn’t want to have a concrete plan, and all I wanted was to do what I felt like it. All I had was a feeling, a feeling telling me the way, I trusted and it worked. That is why I say I am an asshole, because I simply said fuck all this I am going to do what I want; what I feel like is the best for me. So, if rock and roll is the devil’s music and rock and roll guided me here, is only fair to tell the Pope Rirou is back and he is making holy smoke. Funny because it feels like this is build up from past lives, and I must end this cycle in this life time now by telling MY truth. Something I only connected the dots after becoming a Dad, after all kids are our biggest teachers bringing us the biggest spiritual gifts.

Life is ironic, the problem is you and at the same time you are the solution. We are all in hell, we are all disconnected. Look at it, we are all depressed, is a depressive world, we treat each other and the environment like shit. But hey, hell aint a bad place, your friends are there too. You are not alone! So, go find your joy, go find love. But remember the world is a mirror and to find love you must first love yourself. Doing it so you will be an asshole to a lot of people, but you will stop being an asshole with yourself. Then guarantee love will start knocing at your door cause the truth is life is about being your own hero. Kill your pride and attitude, it’s not about money is about your soul. You can loose everything but never your soul.

During this life time I heard that my sensitivity was feminine (aka boys don’tcry), so maybe the mediumship I have, is an old witch and now I fixed the portion (coffee and weed). I do want to share my side of the story and I do want to help people, because my point is there is more to it, there is more to life that we can even imagine, or even fit in a box (chruch) and there is a lot more to it behing a sensitive man/boy. I can tell you one thing, the meaning of life is following your dreams, your deepest dreams. That inner child dreams. I did it once when I followed my dream of being a professional athlete, and I now I am making 2 other dreams come true: the guitar and picking a fight with the pope. After all he did prohibited iron maiden to play in Chile in 1992 for no reason, taking the joy of millions of people; and that was the beginning of my trauma.

Punkaste,

Rirou

Ps: Trauma is often reflected in the body and back in 2014 I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism, which is located in the throat chakra. The throat chakra is totally related to comunication, and mine is off balance, the reason why “is fear of speaking”. That is why, this whole project is healing and motivating other to heal themselves as well.

Believe in me and send no money
I died on the cross, that ain’t funny
But my so called friends they’re making me a joke
They missed out what I said like I never spoke They choose what they wanna hear, don’t tell a lie
They just leave out the truth as they’re watching you die
They’re saving the souls by taking your money
Flies around shit, bees around honey Holy smoke, holy smoke
Plenty bad preachers for the devil to stoke
Feed ’em in feet first this is no joke
This is thirsty work making holy smoke
Making holy smoke Jimmy Reptile and all his friends
Say they gonna be with you at the end
Burning records, burning books
Holy soldiers, Nazi looks Crocodile smiles, just wait awhile
Till the TV Queen gets her make up clean
I’ve lived in filth, I’ve lived in sin
And I still smell cleaner than the shit you’re in Holy smoke, holy smoke
There’s plenty bad preachers for the devil to stoke
Feed ’em in feet first, this is no joke This is thirsty work making holy smoke
Holy smoke
Smells good They ain’t religious but they ain’t no fools
When Noah built his Cadillac it was cool
Two by two they’re still going down
And the satellite circus just left town I think they’re strange and when they’re dead
They can have a Lincoln for their bed
Friend of the president, trick of the tail
Now they ain’t got a prayer, one hundred years in jail Holy smoke, holy smoke
Plenty bad preachers for the devil to stoke
Feed ’em in feet first this is no joke
This is thirsty work making holy smoke
Holy smoke.

Chapter 17: Satan’s work is done

As I am writing my book with Marcone, my ghostwriter, he asked me if I had any plans for Halloween in 2020, since Halloween is a big deal in the house. For example, Luke was convinced on Halloween, and one year we made Luke’s chair an x-wing and last year we were a punk rock band where Luke was the drummer. Anyways, because 2020 is 2020, we didn’t go to any parties. I posted on my social media that this year I dressed up as an asshole as I usually do, meaning I was myself for Halloween. However, I didn’t lay low and I did a little something to celebrate. However, because is 2020 I decided to wait until Friday the 13th to announce what I did on Halloween.

First I must say that in the first chapter of my book I declare war to Religion, more precisely against the Catholic church which is the based of this shit. Well, is a philosophical war because the philosophical idea of Religion comes from Religare in latin, which means reconnect god and man. However, what religion does is disconnect us from ourselves by using fear. In my case Religion made me fear the only thing that made me human, my feelings! Which feelings are my spiritually, meaning my connection with own soul. Took me years to unlearn to not fear that, to be precise 33 years. The trauma is so deep that some days to write (I do all my notes handwritten) is physically painful. Even getting the guitar some days is hard, yes hello procrastination! During my 40 day walk through of the covid-420 I connected the dots in my life, and I planned my revenge. However, I was still fearful and in doubt if I should or shouldn’t do it, but when I held Amber, my second child, that was born 4 days before Halloween 2020 the fear melted away. At that moment I knew I had to proceed with the plan. I was being blessed again and the universe was telling me that I was ready!

Therefore on October 31st of 2020 I founded a Religion, Rock-it-ology Inc, which is based on my story, The Punkaste Prophecy. But wait, don’t I claim religion is child abuse? Well, remember I am a walking contradiction and yes, Religion is child abuse no doubt. However my Religion is not the same old story because is Punk and this Religion is hardwired to self-destruct. Like in a suicidal mission, to destruct Religion itself by exploding from the inside. You see, most Religions, teach us to find answers outside ourselves, when the answers are within; is just hard as fuck to go within. It’s actually painful, but at the same time the most liberating thing you can do. Ironic, right? Its like crossing a finish line of an ironman, you are in so much pain but extremely satisfied to have finished the hardest endurance race in the planet. Perhaps, life is the ironman of the universe, and boy about ironman, pain (physical and mental) and suicidal thoughts I have a PhD!

The reality is we are all disconnected but not from God, we are disconnected from ourselves and nature. So, yeah we do need to reconnect but not with god, but with ourselves. Which in the end it means the same thing. Ha! Don’t you love irony? Anyways, all this years all I wanted was to be heard before being judged as a Pothead, Punk, or Evil. The thing is Religion push me too far, and I got mad that I wasted years of pure joy. I am not here to teach you shit, I am not your savior, I am not your guru and I am definitely not Tony Robbins. I am an asshole but an asshole that faced his own trauma to regain my soul and connect my dots in life. My only goal is to be heard, and hopefully my story will motivate you to go within, facing your trauma and reclaiming your joy.

As a triathlon coach I always lead by example, and here is the same. That is why I decided to share how I am facing my trauma and finally learning all the iron maiden songs in the guitar. It’s painful sometimes, and I still cry like a baby. Yeah, I lost count how many times I cry listen to heavy metal. However, when I do that it cleanses my soul bringing me into a realm of joy! For me is not about the money, is about my soul, that is why I the only thing I am going to sell is the book because I am paying for it the ghostwriter help me write. I needed someone to help me because sometimes is too painful. Everything else is free because I really want to motivate others to escape hell and reconnect with themselves. The truth is, if we reconnect with ourselves Religion will be gone. We just need to reconnect with ourselves. Rock-it-ology Inc is non profit organization and the profits will be directed to mental health programs, nemaline myopathy research and advocating for real food, since diet is a big topic in my book.

So, Dear Pope, Satan’s work is done and I will leave the mark of the beast so considered this a check mate, better yet: Punkaste! Satan loves you. I am not Satan, but I became his best friend, and now I am raising hell!

Rirou

“Woe to you, oh Earth and sea, for the Devil sends the Beast with wrath
Because he knows the time is short
Let him who hath understanding reckon the number of the Beast
For it is a human number, its number is six hundred and sixty six”I left alone my mind was blank
I needed time to think to get the memories from my mindWhat did I see can I believe that what I saw
That night was real and not just fantasyJust what I saw
In my old dreams were they reflections of my warped mind staring back at me’Cause in my dreams
It’s always there
The evil face that twists my mind and brings me to despair
YeahThe night was black was no use holding back
‘Cause I just had to see was someone watching me
In the mist dark figures move and twist
Was all this for real or some kind of hell
Six six six the number of the Beast
Hell and fire was spawned to be releasedTorches blazed and sacred chants were praised
As they start to cry hands held to the sky
In the night the fires burning bright
The ritual has begun Satan’s work is done
Six six six the number of the beast
Sacrifice is going on tonightThis can’t go on I must inform the law
Can this still be real or some crazy dream
But I feel drawn towards the chanting hordes
They seem to mesmerize me can’t avoid their eyes?
Six six six the number of the Beast
Six six six the one for you and meI’m coming back I will return
And I’ll possess your body and I’ll make you burn
I have the fire I have the force
I have the power to make my evil take it’s course

Chapter 16: Hallowed be thy name

During my life I went through 3 majors transformations. First was the mind, second was the body and third was the soul. By far my favorite one is the soul, because is where my life really started to make sense. This phase started when we got pregnant with Luke, and got really intense after he was born. That is when I started to go deep into my soul.

When Luke was born we spent 84 days in the NICU, and during that time we went to many life changing experiences. The truth there is something magical about been between life and death, something really raw, which I believe is the ultimate human experience. During that time in the NICU I started to realize that everything I ever believed was truth and as a very sensitive person I was able to feel this to the max. For me, that is a true blessing. The funny part is that spirituality has always been my favorite topic to talk about it, but I never talked about it. Why? Because I never felt I had the right to talk, simply because most people already judged me from the get go. I was either considered evil for my music style, or a pothead, or a punk that was radical and against everything, in other words a rebel. I literally felt I had no right to talk about this stuff, which was pass to me since a very young age not to question things.

The first second Luke was born he woke up my soul and my empath “superpowers”. As an empath we literally can feel peoples energy, we know when they are lying, or genuine, or coming from a place of love. Hard to explain, but is true, is like the force in star wars. Luke made me start realizing that everything was connected.

After we left the NICU I did not think twice, I went to do my so dreamed Reiki course and became a Reiki master. Reiki is all about energy, just like your soul. I mean, we are made of energy. I went in search of more since I wanted to put my soul back together. The soul for me is like a mathematical equation, that you go solving throughout your life. After I became a reiki master I started put my soul back together, and that is when I was able to solve many parts of the equation. Which brought me to a conclusion that I was not alone. I have been guided my entire and also blessed in so many levels. Luke is the proof. But why me? Such an unholy man. I mean, that is what I always heard that from all the “holy” people. For years felt like I was cursed. Like I was a magnet for those cruel judgment. Again, as an empath you feel that so intensely.

After a lot of meditation combined with marijuana, which is what I use for spiritual reasons. For me marijuana ampliphies my emotions, and not numb them like many people think. For me, that was super numb, marijuana helps more than we can imagine because it help me see life beyond the trauma. During those meditations I see and feel many things and that is when I realized why not me? Who better then me to tell a real punk story, with a happy ending. That is when I confirmed that was not a curse, it is a blessing.

Again, another blessing. Why? Being able to tell a true story like that is simply everything I ever wanted and challenge the status quo once for all. Now in this blog I won’t ever use the word God for me this word is being misused to cause more abuse in my eyes. Instead, I talk about the punk force because I do believe we have a soul mission. Meaning we all have a personal misson in this life, and some of us have also a collective misson. But my point is, I believe that the real “God” is an energy and is inside of us. Is that sparkle of light, that intuition, that inner voice. When that is combined with love can achieve great things. The issue is, most people look for the outside for answers, because going within is hard as fuck. Stepping in a church, following a book and praying for forgiveness is a lot easier than going within feeling the pain and facing your demons.

Therefore, I stopped being a figugitive but I felt the need to clear my name since I am 40 years old and people keep judging me the same way for 40 years. Even people that knew me since I was a kid, so mine as well use all the labels possible in my favor. Therefore I decided to be the first ever Movitional Pothead to motivate people to look withih for their own answers and find their mission in this life. I hope I don’t end up in a cross!

Ain’t no fucking hero in this life, be your own!

Punkaste,

Rirou

Hallowed by thy name is the second iron maiden song I strated to learn. The number of the beast is the first one I learned, is not up to speed yet, but getting there.

I’m waiting in my cold cell when the bell begins to chime
Reflecting on my past life and it doesn’t have much time
‘Cause at 5 o’clock, they take me to the Gallows Pole
The sands of time for me are running low, yeah! When the priest comes to read me the last rites
I take a look through the bars at the last sights
Of a world that has gone very wrong for me Can it be that there’s some sort of error
Hard to stop the surmounting terror
Is it really the end, not some crazy dream? Somebody please tell me that I’m dreaming
It’s not easy to stop from screaming
The words escape me when I try to speak
Tears flow, but why am I crying
After all I’m not afraid of dying
Don’t I believe that there never is an end As the guards march me out to the courtyard
Somebody cries from a cell “God be with you”
If there’s a God then why has he let me go? As I walk all my life drifts before me
And though the end is near I’m not sorry
Catch my soul, it’s willing to fly away Mark my words, believe my soul lives on
Don’t worry now that I have gone
I’ve gone beyond to seek the truth When you know that your time is close at hand
Maybe then you’ll begin to understand
Life down here is just a strange illusion
Yeah, hallowed be thy name
Yeah, hallowed by thy name
Yeah

Chapter 15: Wildest Dream

This chapter is more like an open letter to my kids an idea that I got from my athlete, the guy who did the solo ironman. Which by the way, he did another one, can you believe it? That is pretty wild right? 3 ironmans in one year with 2 being solo. As his coach I told him, that is wild so let’s do it, because life is about following your dreams!

Back in at the of 2003 when I had my first real crisis I stopped to ask myself: what life was all about? That is when I heard the iron maiden song Wildest Dream. That was like a whisper in my ears like this “Joy is your birth right”. But what was my joy? I was so numb that I didn’t even know what my joy was, but I knew one thing, as a kid I wanted to be a professional athlete. Everyone told me it was impossible because I had no talent as a kid. And now, I was 260 pounds, drinking daily, and smoking 2 packs of cigarettes a day. Would that be even possible to pursue such an wild dream? Well, I thought so.

That is when I felt in love with ironman and decided to pursue a kids dream. For me was more about the journey of becoming a pro athelte than actually winning. Yes I wanted to win, but that was not the main goal. The main goal was to find my joy in life, specially because I was not willing to do everything to win, such as drugs or drafting in a race. My thought was if I ever win anything needed to be clean. During my ironman years I started to question a lot of things, after all do you want a better therapy of hours and hours of exercise just you and yourself? Add metal and punk rock to the mix and we have the closest thing to a perfect therapy.

After awhile doing ironman and also doing therapy I started to find my real joy. I realized I had more kids dreams to fulfill and those dreams were much much deeper in my soul, because that I had to face a much bigger demon. As I learned in my ironmans, and told all my athletes, you need to face your demons. I also learned in my own experience that when you are in hell become friends with the devil, and that is what I did.

After 18 ironmans I realized it was time to move forward. When I asked my therapist what innerchild had to do with depression and she answered “everything “. I didn’t think twice, I knew it was time to complete heal my innerchild. It was time to pursue my other kids dreams which consist in:

  • Learn how to play all iron maiden songs in the guitar.
  • Learn how to sing.
  • Have my own talk show.
  • Write a book of my story.
  • Have a blog related to music.

For me was never about fame or money, was always about happiness. Happiness is about pursing a dream and following your heart. That day in 2003 I just choose to make a change towards my happiness. Success for me is about exceeding your own limitations, is going above of what you thought it was possible. You can shoot for the moon because if you miss you will land in the stars.

For me being a punk is about following your dreams, and choosing happiness over the same old story. After all joy is our birth right. In numerology 666 simply means:

666 the number of the beast for me is the greatest song ever created in human history, that’s why I starting with this one.

All that being said, what I want to teach my kids and hopefully other kids through music is to follow their dreams; and to choose love over fear.

Punkaste,

Rirou!

I’m gonna organize some changes in my life,
I’m gonna exorcise the demons of my past,
I’m gonna take the car and hit the open road,
I’m feeling ready to just open up and go And I just feel like I can be anything,
that I might ever wish to be,
and fantasize just what I want to to be,
make my wildest dreams come true I’m on my way.
Out on my own again I’m on my way out on the road again, When I remember back to how that things used to be,
and I was stuck inside a shroud of misery I felt I disappeared so deep inside my self
I couldn’t find a way to break away the hell When I’m feeling down and low,
I vow I’ll never be the same again,
I just remember what I am, and visualize what I’m gonna be, I’m on my way. Out on my own again,
I’m on my way, I’m gonna break away, I’m gonna break away, I’m out on my own,
I’m out on my own, gonna break away, breaking away, I’m on my way, out my own again,
I’m on my way, out on the road again, I’m on my way, out on my own again,
I’m on my way, I’m gonna break away,

Chapter 14: can I play with madness?

For me hell (depression) was like this: You have 2 voices in your head, one the voice of the holy unworthiness and the other the voice of your intuitions and feelings. I learned not to express those feelings because that was either not acceptable or not normal. Now, what you do when your feelings and intuitions are correct but everyone tells you that is not. That you are wrong, and that is not acceptable. Well, you become fearful, and fear leads to anger which leads to hate. So, I started to hate myself.

I started to numb my feelings and beat myself up, with cigarettes,  alcohol,  food, and with work (workaholic with no purpose). Then I made a change, started to exercise to loose weight,  started to diet,  but then I took the addiction to the other side of the spectrum.  That is when I realized I felt the same inside even doing the so dreamed 360 degree change, which didn’t change shit. I still felt the same however, by doing a 360 degree change lead me to make the real change and find balance. That is when I brought religion into therapy and I started to go against everything I learned because I realized I was infringing my first rule in life: thou shall not be an asshole. I was being an asshole with the most important person in the world: myself. When I figure that out the unworthiness holy voice of my head became a sarcastic stand up comedian.

Now I realized I have been bully by Religion for years! Now, with bullies sometimes you have to fight back. Believe me, I have been on both side of fence. That is why I am a walking contradiction, even though my first life rule is thou shall not be an asshole, sometimes you need to be an asshole. My Dad once said “whatever you chose to be, make sure you do it with love”. Well, if I am going to be an asshole, mine as well be a good one!

If life is a game I can identify myself as the fool card in the tarot deck. He represents new begins and let’s be honest I have always been considered the fool for believing in love. But you know what? I found love it and is not what religion says it at all. Is quite the opposite, and the truth is I don’t really want to fight, I am not that kind of guy. However, I know that “God” created Rirou the Punk for a reason.

Therefore I am happy to announce that in the Next Festivus December 23rd, 2020 Rirou the Punk is coming with book (Portuguese at first) “Punkaste, escaping hell (depression)” , and Star Punks the first Rock-it-ology album. So Religion considered this a handshake, after all handshakes are just a subtle fuck you, and sometimes is the easiest thing to do is say fuck you!

Religion claims God is love, but they are not inclusive therefore cannot be love. Love is messy, is the good, the bad and the ugly. Love is real, Love is unfashion…like I said I do not put Halloween decorations in my house because my house is a freak show all year long. So yes, I found love I can honestly say I understand more about “God” then Religion ever will!

October 10th is mental health day and I am doing this for my mental health. October 12th is kids day in Brazil and I am doing this for the kids aren’t alright. Today is Monday and I am happy to say I don’t have a case of the Mondays anymore, is too much fun being alive!

Punkaste, may the punk force be with you!

Rirou

Can I play with madness?
Give me the sense to wonder
To wonder if I’m free
Give me a sense of wonder
To know I can be me
Give me the strength to hold my head up
Spit back in their face
Don’t need no key to unlock this door
Gonna break down the walls
Break out of this bad placeCan I play with madness? The prophet stared at his crystal ball
Can I play with madness? There’s no vision there at all
Can I play with madness? The prophet looked and he laughed at me, ha, he said
Can I play with madness? He said, “you’re blind, too blind to see”
Oh, said, “you’re too blind to see”, mmmI screamed aloud to the old man
I said, “don’t lie, don’t say you don’t know”
I said, “you’ll pay for this mischief”
“Ah, in this world or the next”
Oh and then he fixed me with a freezing glance
And the hell fires raged in his eyes
He said, “do you wanna know the truth, son?”
“Lord, I’ll tell you the truth”
“Your soul’s gonna burn in a lake of fire”Can I play with madness? The prophet stared at his crystal ball
Can I play with madness? There’s no vision there at all
Can I play with madness? The prophet looked and he laughed at me, ha ha, he said
Can I play with madness? He said, “you’re blind, too blind to see”
“Oh, listen to me, ” said the prophetCan I play with madness? The prophet stared at his crystal ball
Can I play with madness? There’s no vision there at all
Can I play with madness? The prophet looked and he laughed at me, ha, he said
Can I play with madness? He said, “you’re blind, too blind to see”
Can I play with madness?

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