Chapter 16: Hallowed be thy name

During my life I went through 3 majors transformations. First was the mind, second was the body and third was the soul. By far my favorite one is the soul, because is where my life really started to make sense. This phase started when we got pregnant with Luke, and got really intense after he was born. That is when I started to go deep into my soul.

When Luke was born we spent 84 days in the NICU, and during that time we went to many life changing experiences. The truth there is something magical about been between life and death, something really raw, which I believe is the ultimate human experience. During that time in the NICU I started to realize that everything I ever believed was truth and as a very sensitive person I was able to feel this to the max. For me, that is a true blessing. The funny part is that spirituality has always been my favorite topic to talk about it, but I never talked about it. Why? Because I never felt I had the right to talk, simply because most people already judged me from the get go. I was either considered evil for my music style, or a pothead, or a punk that was radical and against everything, in other words a rebel. I literally felt I had no right to talk about this stuff, which was pass to me since a very young age not to question things.

The first second Luke was born he woke up my soul and my empath “superpowers”. As an empath we literally can feel peoples energy, we know when they are lying, or genuine, or coming from a place of love. Hard to explain, but is true, is like the force in star wars. Luke made me start realizing that everything was connected.

After we left the NICU I did not think twice, I went to do my so dreamed Reiki course and became a Reiki master. Reiki is all about energy, just like your soul. I mean, we are made of energy. I went in search of more since I wanted to put my soul back together. The soul for me is like a mathematical equation, that you go solving throughout your life. After I became a reiki master I started put my soul back together, and that is when I was able to solve many parts of the equation. Which brought me to a conclusion that I was not alone. I have been guided my entire and also blessed in so many levels. Luke is the proof. But why me? Such an unholy man. I mean, that is what I always heard that from all the “holy” people. For years felt like I was cursed. Like I was a magnet for those cruel judgment. Again, as an empath you feel that so intensely.

After a lot of meditation combined with marijuana, which is what I use for spiritual reasons. For me marijuana ampliphies my emotions, and not numb them like many people think. For me, that was super numb, marijuana helps more than we can imagine because it help me see life beyond the trauma. During those meditations I see and feel many things and that is when I realized why not me? Who better then me to tell a real punk story, with a happy ending. That is when I confirmed that was not a curse, it is a blessing.

Again, another blessing. Why? Being able to tell a true story like that is simply everything I ever wanted and challenge the status quo once for all. Now in this blog I won’t ever use the word God for me this word is being misused to cause more abuse in my eyes. Instead, I talk about the punk force because I do believe we have a soul mission. Meaning we all have a personal misson in this life, and some of us have also a collective misson. But my point is, I believe that the real “God” is an energy and is inside of us. Is that sparkle of light, that intuition, that inner voice. When that is combined with love can achieve great things. The issue is, most people look for the outside for answers, because going within is hard as fuck. Stepping in a church, following a book and praying for forgiveness is a lot easier than going within feeling the pain and facing your demons.

Therefore, I stopped being a figugitive but I felt the need to clear my name since I am 40 years old and people keep judging me the same way for 40 years. Even people that knew me since I was a kid, so mine as well use all the labels possible in my favor. Therefore I decided to be the first ever Movitional Pothead to motivate people to look withih for their own answers and find their mission in this life. I hope I don’t end up in a cross!

Ain’t no fucking hero in this life, be your own!

Punkaste,

Rirou

Hallowed by thy name is the second iron maiden song I strated to learn. The number of the beast is the first one I learned, is not up to speed yet, but getting there.

I’m waiting in my cold cell when the bell begins to chime
Reflecting on my past life and it doesn’t have much time
‘Cause at 5 o’clock, they take me to the Gallows Pole
The sands of time for me are running low, yeah! When the priest comes to read me the last rites
I take a look through the bars at the last sights
Of a world that has gone very wrong for me Can it be that there’s some sort of error
Hard to stop the surmounting terror
Is it really the end, not some crazy dream? Somebody please tell me that I’m dreaming
It’s not easy to stop from screaming
The words escape me when I try to speak
Tears flow, but why am I crying
After all I’m not afraid of dying
Don’t I believe that there never is an end As the guards march me out to the courtyard
Somebody cries from a cell “God be with you”
If there’s a God then why has he let me go? As I walk all my life drifts before me
And though the end is near I’m not sorry
Catch my soul, it’s willing to fly away Mark my words, believe my soul lives on
Don’t worry now that I have gone
I’ve gone beyond to seek the truth When you know that your time is close at hand
Maybe then you’ll begin to understand
Life down here is just a strange illusion
Yeah, hallowed be thy name
Yeah, hallowed by thy name
Yeah

Chapter 15: Wildest Dream

This chapter is more like an open letter to my kids an idea that I got from my athlete, the guy who did the solo ironman. Which by the way, he did another one, can you believe it? That is pretty wild right? 3 ironmans in one year with 2 being solo. As his coach I told him, that is wild so let’s do it, because life is about following your dreams!

Back in at the of 2003 when I had my first real crisis I stopped to ask myself: what life was all about? That is when I heard the iron maiden song Wildest Dream. That was like a whisper in my ears like this “Joy is your birth right”. But what was my joy? I was so numb that I didn’t even know what my joy was, but I knew one thing, as a kid I wanted to be a professional athlete. Everyone told me it was impossible because I had no talent as a kid. And now, I was 260 pounds, drinking daily, and smoking 2 packs of cigarettes a day. Would that be even possible to pursue such an wild dream? Well, I thought so.

That is when I felt in love with ironman and decided to pursue a kids dream. For me was more about the journey of becoming a pro athelte than actually winning. Yes I wanted to win, but that was not the main goal. The main goal was to find my joy in life, specially because I was not willing to do everything to win, such as drugs or drafting in a race. My thought was if I ever win anything needed to be clean. During my ironman years I started to question a lot of things, after all do you want a better therapy of hours and hours of exercise just you and yourself? Add metal and punk rock to the mix and we have the closest thing to a perfect therapy.

After awhile doing ironman and also doing therapy I started to find my real joy. I realized I had more kids dreams to fulfill and those dreams were much much deeper in my soul, because that I had to face a much bigger demon. As I learned in my ironmans, and told all my athletes, you need to face your demons. I also learned in my own experience that when you are in hell become friends with the devil, and that is what I did.

After 18 ironmans I realized it was time to move forward. When I asked my therapist what innerchild had to do with depression and she answered “everything “. I didn’t think twice, I knew it was time to complete heal my innerchild. It was time to pursue my other kids dreams which consist in:

  • Learn how to play all iron maiden songs in the guitar.
  • Learn how to sing.
  • Have my own talk show.
  • Write a book of my story.
  • Have a blog related to music.

For me was never about fame or money, was always about happiness. Happiness is about pursing a dream and following your heart. That day in 2003 I just choose to make a change towards my happiness. Success for me is about exceeding your own limitations, is going above of what you thought it was possible. You can shoot for the moon because if you miss you will land in the stars.

For me being a punk is about following your dreams, and choosing happiness over the same old story. After all joy is our birth right. In numerology 666 simply means:

666 the number of the beast for me is the greatest song ever created in human history, that’s why I starting with this one.

All that being said, what I want to teach my kids and hopefully other kids through music is to follow their dreams; and to choose love over fear.

Punkaste,

Rirou!

I’m gonna organize some changes in my life,
I’m gonna exorcise the demons of my past,
I’m gonna take the car and hit the open road,
I’m feeling ready to just open up and go And I just feel like I can be anything,
that I might ever wish to be,
and fantasize just what I want to to be,
make my wildest dreams come true I’m on my way.
Out on my own again I’m on my way out on the road again, When I remember back to how that things used to be,
and I was stuck inside a shroud of misery I felt I disappeared so deep inside my self
I couldn’t find a way to break away the hell When I’m feeling down and low,
I vow I’ll never be the same again,
I just remember what I am, and visualize what I’m gonna be, I’m on my way. Out on my own again,
I’m on my way, I’m gonna break away, I’m gonna break away, I’m out on my own,
I’m out on my own, gonna break away, breaking away, I’m on my way, out my own again,
I’m on my way, out on the road again, I’m on my way, out on my own again,
I’m on my way, I’m gonna break away,

Chapter 14: can I play with madness?

For me hell (depression) was like this: You have 2 voices in your head, one the voice of the holy unworthiness and the other the voice of your intuitions and feelings. I learned not to express those feelings because that was either not acceptable or not normal. Now, what you do when your feelings and intuitions are correct but everyone tells you that is not. That you are wrong, and that is not acceptable. Well, you become fearful, and fear leads to anger which leads to hate. So, I started to hate myself.

I started to numb my feelings and beat myself up, with cigarettes,  alcohol,  food, and with work (workaholic with no purpose). Then I made a change, started to exercise to loose weight,  started to diet,  but then I took the addiction to the other side of the spectrum.  That is when I realized I felt the same inside even doing the so dreamed 360 degree change, which didn’t change shit. I still felt the same however, by doing a 360 degree change lead me to make the real change and find balance. That is when I brought religion into therapy and I started to go against everything I learned because I realized I was infringing my first rule in life: thou shall not be an asshole. I was being an asshole with the most important person in the world: myself. When I figure that out the unworthiness holy voice of my head became a sarcastic stand up comedian.

Now I realized I have been bully by Religion for years! Now, with bullies sometimes you have to fight back. Believe me, I have been on both side of fence. That is why I am a walking contradiction, even though my first life rule is thou shall not be an asshole, sometimes you need to be an asshole. My Dad once said “whatever you chose to be, make sure you do it with love”. Well, if I am going to be an asshole, mine as well be a good one!

If life is a game I can identify myself as the fool card in the tarot deck. He represents new begins and let’s be honest I have always been considered the fool for believing in love. But you know what? I found love it and is not what religion says it at all. Is quite the opposite, and the truth is I don’t really want to fight, I am not that kind of guy. However, I know that “God” created Rirou the Punk for a reason.

Therefore I am happy to announce that in the Next Festivus December 23rd, 2020 Rirou the Punk is coming with book (Portuguese at first) “Punkaste, escaping hell (depression)” , and Star Punks the first Rock-it-ology album. So Religion considered this a handshake, after all handshakes are just a subtle fuck you, and sometimes is the easiest thing to do is say fuck you!

Religion claims God is love, but they are not inclusive therefore cannot be love. Love is messy, is the good, the bad and the ugly. Love is real, Love is unfashion…like I said I do not put Halloween decorations in my house because my house is a freak show all year long. So yes, I found love I can honestly say I understand more about “God” then Religion ever will!

October 10th is mental health day and I am doing this for my mental health. October 12th is kids day in Brazil and I am doing this for the kids aren’t alright. Today is Monday and I am happy to say I don’t have a case of the Mondays anymore, is too much fun being alive!

Punkaste, may the punk force be with you!

Rirou

Can I play with madness?
Give me the sense to wonder
To wonder if I’m free
Give me a sense of wonder
To know I can be me
Give me the strength to hold my head up
Spit back in their face
Don’t need no key to unlock this door
Gonna break down the walls
Break out of this bad placeCan I play with madness? The prophet stared at his crystal ball
Can I play with madness? There’s no vision there at all
Can I play with madness? The prophet looked and he laughed at me, ha, he said
Can I play with madness? He said, “you’re blind, too blind to see”
Oh, said, “you’re too blind to see”, mmmI screamed aloud to the old man
I said, “don’t lie, don’t say you don’t know”
I said, “you’ll pay for this mischief”
“Ah, in this world or the next”
Oh and then he fixed me with a freezing glance
And the hell fires raged in his eyes
He said, “do you wanna know the truth, son?”
“Lord, I’ll tell you the truth”
“Your soul’s gonna burn in a lake of fire”Can I play with madness? The prophet stared at his crystal ball
Can I play with madness? There’s no vision there at all
Can I play with madness? The prophet looked and he laughed at me, ha ha, he said
Can I play with madness? He said, “you’re blind, too blind to see”
“Oh, listen to me, ” said the prophetCan I play with madness? The prophet stared at his crystal ball
Can I play with madness? There’s no vision there at all
Can I play with madness? The prophet looked and he laughed at me, ha, he said
Can I play with madness? He said, “you’re blind, too blind to see”
Can I play with madness?

Chapter 13: Sarcastic Existence

The truth is I just left hell, I mean if want a definition for depression on how it feels it probably feels like hell. It’s like you are caged in your own mind, like a maze. You can speak but nobody listen. The problem is that to find the way out you need to go into that maze. That is what I did. During my 18 ironmans I learned when you are in hell mine as well become friends with the Devil, but to do that I had to dive into the pain. Ironman for me was great because the physical pain helped me with the emotional pain and honestly what’s better than hours of training and racing to feel pain? I was a slave of pain!

During my scape from hell I spent a lot of time listening to music, all kinds of music but predominantly heavy metal and punk rock, they were my real training partner. Music was the only thing that for years made me not feel alone, until I met my wife. She never lied to me, and she believed me from day one when I said I was going to be a professional triathlete. Even having all the odds against me. She also believed me when I said I could beat depression. So. I went thru to find out the cause of my depression, I changed so much that probably feels like she married another man, however my essence was always punk. She has always supported my insanity proving that I was not alone, and loving me unconditionally.

After Luke was born I realized that was the biggest reason of my depression was existential, and who created the problem was religion. More precisely the catholic religion. During my existential crisis I realized they are all religions are the same, with the same judgments as everybody else. They all put you in a box, and try to tell you that the box is love, and everything else around you is not, even your own feelings. I mean, in all religions rock and roll is the deivls song. But how come rock and roll is bad if literally saved my soul. Not only that, it helped me scape hell. A hell that religion put me in to begging with. I mean, they don’t even stop to listen, it’s just pure judgmental and not inclusive at all. That is not love. Therefore they can’t fucking talk about love, because they infect give love a bad name.

During my meditations I started to put the dots together and I realized that I could be a prophecy because I am gifted in so many ways, by the same “God” that I was told was going to send me to hell. A friend told me once “you are the most rock and roll person I know”. So, lets translate that to I am the least holy person in the world and not worth it of “God’s love”, but Rock and Roll was always there to make sure I was not alone. I mean, is so ironically perfect, and it would be a shame if the story was not told. You know, many people say irony is the face of “God.” So, I am putting all the details in a book – Punkaste, my way out of depression, but here it is a glance of my prophecy:

  • I was born on international yoga day. Yoga means unity.
  • During my life I learned how it feels to be different, and silenced. But I also learned about fighting the odds. Odds of quit smoking is 7.2% (check), odds of becoming a professional athlete 1.5% (check), the odds of finding your soul mate in this world I have no idea, but check. The odds of fighting depression I don’t know either, but check. The odds of men that talk about love, I don’t know but I am doing.
  • Life gave me a kid that is totally different, that was born fighting the odds with a super power of turning love in people with a simple smile and loves music.
  • Life now is giving a another kid with an energy that I can’t explain. From what I know is that until week 35 she was breech and we fought the odds to turn her naturally, again after hearing doctors saying it was impossible.
  • I was gifted of being good with kids, and with the ability of reinvent kids music. I honestly made 7 songs for the album in one day, still needs improvement but the fact I can make an air guitar song into a real one is pretty cool, maybe be a stupid super power but it is one. Now why reinvent kids songs? Have you noticed how religious they are? I know better than anyone else that music can teach a lot. What better way to then teaching kids about unity and love with music?

Now, what are the odds of picking a fight with Religion? Probably pretty low but I don’t care about fighting the odds because that is the joy of life, and osho said once spirituality is joy. Being alive is too much fun and fighting the odds is what makes life fun. But why pick a fight with Religion, I would say why not? I am a trouble maker and I am fool enough to do so.

In my comedy video in Portuguese I said what I wanted Religion to do, but I realized now I want more. Here are my claims:

  • Religion to apologize for all Rock and Roll lovers. All religions need to apologize.
  • Pay for my therapy and damages of my imagine. I say 3 million is good for me and my family. Part of the $ will be used to create cartoons, music, to teach kids about unity. Also, money to build a weed farm to distribute for the people in need for medicine that deal with mental health.
  • The pope to kiss my feet and say that I am the greatest punk. (LOL)
  • And the truth about aliens 👽.

The prophecy is been written and it had began: Punkaste, the Wygands conspiracy. Because peace without a voice is not peace is fear. Maybe one day this blog will get to the Pope….(LOL)!

Punkaste,

Rirou

Chapter 12: the thin line between love and hate.

I must confess I am loving 2020 because my life started to make sense, and as I said I found my why. I always believed in crisis, I mean crisis bring the best out of us. Because there is no way around it, you have to face it in order to survive. That is why I truly believe crisis brings in the best in us, we have to change, there is no escape.

During my healing process that includes lots of music, skateboarding, singing, guitar/bass playing and my monthly therapy sessions I realized that Religion is the biggest bully of all times at least with me. That is what my book is really about. I love the topic spirituality/existance but I hate religion because put most people in a box, a depressive box of unworthiness. That why for me in that topic there is a thin line between love and hate. Spirituality is about love and unity, however what religion teaches is hate and separation. Unfortunately I never had a chance to say my side of the story, I was shut off by Religion and that cause me a great amount of pain and anger.

Now, did you know that my best iron man ever was racing with anger released in a positive way. That was the race I did against my brothers. I love them but I hate the fact that I was smaller and got beat up all the time. However, in an ironman race we are all equal, and that day my goal was simple: to beat them in the race with as much as spare time as possible. Yeah, I used all my anger to a good thing, to have the performance of my life, a performance that made my career boom as an athlete and coach. What’s best is that was during the race and nobody got hurt, well maybe egos got hurt,but that is ok. I felt relief but took me awhile to understand why that was my best race.

Now when it comes to religion I have been bully for 40 years, I tried many times to approach and have conversations. Real deep meaningful conversations, but I was never received with an open heart. Which sounds crazy, because it should be the opposite. Up to 2020 I had hopes in 2 Religions, not to join but to listen. The 1st was spirtism and the 2nd new age type of thing. However 2020 showed me different again. Around June 2020, in an instagram live where it was a new age subject I said something about rock and roll I was received with an really weird vibe. A judgmental one, so I was ok, for that reason I am out. Then yesterday I made a comment in a famous YouTube channel about spiritism, and I was received the same way, with the same judgmental vibe. It was weird because in both times I came from a loving place being true to myself, making a true statement and in a polite manner. Once again I was received in a judgmental way.

One thing I learned is that with bullies you have to fight back, but in a smart way. Religion have been bullying me for years. They didn’t even stop to hear me, they took my voice and I got in trouble for it. Now I need to make my voice heard for my own healing and for that I am telling my story, a book that Religion will try to burn. Now what do I do with all that anger built? Do the same thing that I did in the ironman against my brothers, use my anger to build good. That is when Rock-it-ology was born.

The name Rock-it-ology came from the song Rock-it from Motörhead. The lyrics says it all, Rock and Roll saved my soul and Lemmy’s got it. Inspired on that was what made want to share the story and use my anger to something good and since life is like an ironman race. I will let it out in this life, cause I am not carring this for the next one. What you do in this life echoes in the eternity so I will fight the evil forces of religion, and remind kids about unity (love). Think about it, I will leave an story with true conisidences, like a prophecy, with music to wake up the inner child feeling (inner punk). This way just like in this iron maiden song, when is my time to go heart will die and my soul will fly forever. Truth is you can burn a book but you can’t shut a thinking mind. Genius or insane? I now think I am a genius, or I am the fallen angel and I am here accomplishing my mission.

Now is a matter of time, of Religion going down, I mean kids just need to be remmeber of who they are and what they came here for. They will shape the world the way they want too and kids are naturally born punks. Like I said is not about me, is about my kids and the world I am leaving for them. I won’t lie the older you get are harder it is due the baggage, but it’s possible. You just need to be willing to get out of the matrix. Meanwhile I will keep fighting back because I won’t sell my soul. The truth is the more I do it, the better and more loving Dad I become, because heals me and allow me to fully presents with my kids and less time between the walls of unworthiness.

They will shape the world the way they want too and kids are naturally born punks. Like I said is not about me, is about my kids and the world I am leaving for them.

For me it all make sense now, is all about Roots and Attitude (thanks Sepultura). The roots here are going within, however going within means going to your darkness and that is painful as fuck, but very rewarding. Attitude is punk, meaning facing your demons. Just remember light needs darkness to shine, is all connected and its all about balance!

Punkaste,

Rirou

One of my favorite songs from Motorhead

When a person turns to wrong, is it a want to be, belong?
Part of things at any cost, at what price a life is lost At what point do we begin, fighter spirit a will to win
But what makes a man decide, take the wrong or righteous road There’s a thin line between love and hate
Wider divide that you can see between good and bad
There’s a grey place between black and white
But everyone does have the right to choose the path that he takes We all like to put the blame on society these days
But what kind of good or bad a new generation brings Sometimes take just more than that to survive be good at heart
There is evil in some of us no matter what will never change I will hope, my soul will fly, so I will live forever
Heart will die, my soul will fly, and I will live forever Just a few small tears between someone happy and one sad
Just a thin line drawn between being a genius or insane At what age begin to learn of which way out we will turn
There’s a long and winding road and the trail is there to burn There’s a thin line between love and hate
Wider divide that you can see between good and bad
There’s a grey place between black and white
But everyone does have the right to choose the path that he takes I will hope, my soul will fly, so I will live forever
Heart will die, my soul will fly, and I will live forever I will hope, my soul will fly, so I will live forever
Heart will die, my soul will fly, and I will live forever The thin line between love and hateThe thin line between love and hate

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