Skateboarding is not a crime, in fact should be seeing as a spiritual experience. . Yesterday in my interview (portuguese only) for @arquivopunkrock; “I said I have a strong femine side, and that this side is a witch”, and guess what? Skateboard is my broom! . Today I have another interview for a big music project that will be released September, I heard. Anyways, book is getting ready.
Somewhere back in time, can’t remmeber the day but I remmeber the song and the workout. . On that time I was listening to a lot of Foo Fighters so Monkey Wrench was on. That day was 1 hour behind the scooter at 31 to 33 mph the workout I named a painful hour, specially without performance enhancing drugs😂😂😂.
Chapter 18: Holy smoke
Life is not about waiting the storm to pass, neither learning how to dance in the rain. Life is about realizing you are the storm. Once you realize you are the storm you will be able to connect the dots in your life. As I explain in this blog before I had a lot of traumas that led me to depression. Trauma is real, and not our fault but I believe is our duty to heal.
The truth is I have always been sensitive, and as a child I was severely sensitive. I mean I felt the whole thing, I can feel people and places energy; I have an insane amount of deja-vus; I have dreams that came into reality and an intuition that goes beyond what I can explain. I also have always been attracted to esoteric stuff since an early age. At a very young age I was thought quickly that boys didn’t cry and that the music that made me feel good, was evil. Well, you blend this together and I became a very fearful kid. I was afraid of my own existence at that point.
I try to talk about it. I really did, many times. The first time, I tried to talk to a priest, but I was judge from the get go and accused of using drugs. As a sensitive person you know when they are lying, plus on that time I was totally against marijuana, I saw as a drug, now I see as medicine. After a few years of trying to talk I end up shutting myself up even more and that became hell. I really don’t know how hell can be any worst than feeling and not being able to speak or even be heard. Not be able to cry, not be able to express. That’s true hell.
In 2004 I finally said fuck it, I wanted to be health and happy. Therefore, like a punk I decided to to find the answers for myself and I started my healing process. I started with therapy, but I knew it that life was more than what we think it is. In 2005 I thought about going to a monastery and become a monk. I was rediculzed about this thought the same way I was when I said I was going to be a pro athlete as a kid. Every one said, I couldn’t be a holy man, I was to wild, and the music I heard was not holy. Even though they never really asked me what I felt and why I wanted that. After I finished my first ironman, I thought, “this is better then a monastery”. The physical pain helped with my emotional pain, and the training was like a moving meditation. Months later after my first ironman, I found true love. I found the woman that was going to be the mother of my children. Long story but I just knew it she was the one.
Back in 2012 I decided to add more things to my healing. Things like Reiki, past life regression, esoteric books, body talk and I restarted listening to music during my workouts. Specially metal and punk rock. That was the beginning of my escape from hell. After Luke was born he woke up my soul and I realized that health is about mind, body and soul. And I kept the soul out of the equation for a long time. So I had to go deep in my soul to look for answers. Months later in 2016 I became a Reiki master and honestly the last 4 years I was determined to connect the dots. A few weeks after I finished my interviews with the ghostwriter and I held Amber in my arms I connected and started losing the fear. After all, I always heard you will understand when you are a father. Well I am a father now, actually father of 2.
Apparently, there is a thing called clairaudience which is a type of medium ship. One of the characteristics of that is: You get signs from songs and things people say. Is like, you hear a song or listen to something and you can connect the dots in your life. Is freaky to be honest, but is no joke, it is real! Same thing of being an empath, that you feel energy, that shit is real too. Anyways, apparently this shit is really strong in me. Like, fucked up strong, and the biggest irony of all is that the so called “devil” music guided me out of hell, a hell that religion put me on it for listening to heavy metal! Ha, isn’t that fantastic?
That is why I want to learn all the songs the guided me all this time because it heals my soul. Trauma is real and weed does helps with going beyond the trauma. Something called detachment in psychiatry. Either way, weed helps in going beyond the trauma, like I can detach from the trauma and coffee gives me the energy to make it happen. These are a powerful combination. Now, what it all means I don’t know. Where it all going to go I don’t know. All I know is my Reiki is crazy good, it feels good to learn those songs, and to talk about spirituality in a form of philosophy. It’s a huge relief. Also, I have that feeling inside that says I must tell this story.
The truth is my entire existence was based on “faith” in the life force because I didn’t know how I was going to do. I didn’t want to go to college, I didn’t want to have a concrete plan, and all I wanted was to do what I felt like it. All I had was a feeling, a feeling telling me the way, I trusted and it worked. That is why I say I am an asshole, because I simply said fuck all this I am going to do what I want; what I feel like is the best for me. So, if rock and roll is the devil’s music and rock and roll guided me here, is only fair to tell the Pope Rirou is back and he is making holy smoke. Funny because it feels like this is build up from past lives, and I must end this cycle in this life time now by telling MY truth. Something I only connected the dots after becoming a Dad, after all kids are our biggest teachers bringing us the biggest spiritual gifts.
Life is ironic, the problem is you and at the same time you are the solution. We are all in hell, we are all disconnected. Look at it, we are all depressed, is a depressive world, we treat each other and the environment like shit. But hey, hell aint a bad place, your friends are there too. You are not alone! So, go find your joy, go find love. But remember the world is a mirror and to find love you must first love yourself. Doing it so you will be an asshole to a lot of people, but you will stop being an asshole with yourself. Then guarantee love will start knocing at your door cause the truth is life is about being your own hero. Kill your pride and attitude, it’s not about money is about your soul. You can loose everything but never your soul.
During this life time I heard that my sensitivity was feminine (aka boys don’tcry), so maybe the mediumship I have, is an old witch and now I fixed the portion (coffee and weed). I do want to share my side of the story and I do want to help people, because my point is there is more to it, there is more to life that we can even imagine, or even fit in a box (chruch) and there is a lot more to it behing a sensitive man/boy. I can tell you one thing, the meaning of life is following your dreams, your deepest dreams. That inner child dreams. I did it once when I followed my dream of being a professional athlete, and I now I am making 2 other dreams come true: the guitar and picking a fight with the pope. After all he did prohibited iron maiden to play in Chile in 1992 for no reason, taking the joy of millions of people; and that was the beginning of my trauma.
Ps: Trauma is often reflected in the body and back in 2014 I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism, which is located in the throat chakra. The throat chakra is totally related to comunication, and mine is off balance, the reason why “is fear of speaking”. That is why, this whole project is healing and motivating other to heal themselves as well.
Believe in me and send no money
I died on the cross, that ain’t funny
But my so called friends they’re making me a joke
They missed out what I said like I never spoke They choose what they wanna hear, don’t tell a lie
They just leave out the truth as they’re watching you die
They’re saving the souls by taking your money
Flies around shit, bees around honey Holy smoke, holy smoke
Plenty bad preachers for the devil to stoke
Feed ’em in feet first this is no joke
This is thirsty work making holy smoke
Making holy smoke Jimmy Reptile and all his friends
Say they gonna be with you at the end
Burning records, burning books
Holy soldiers, Nazi looks Crocodile smiles, just wait awhile
Till the TV Queen gets her make up clean
I’ve lived in filth, I’ve lived in sin
And I still smell cleaner than the shit you’re in Holy smoke, holy smoke
There’s plenty bad preachers for the devil to stoke
Feed ’em in feet first, this is no joke This is thirsty work making holy smoke
Smells good They ain’t religious but they ain’t no fools
When Noah built his Cadillac it was cool
Two by two they’re still going down
And the satellite circus just left town I think they’re strange and when they’re dead
They can have a Lincoln for their bed
Friend of the president, trick of the tail
Now they ain’t got a prayer, one hundred years in jail Holy smoke, holy smoke
Plenty bad preachers for the devil to stoke
Feed ’em in feet first this is no joke
This is thirsty work making holy smoke
Chapter 2 – 1000 days
At the end of 2010 I finally quite my job at the running store and started to live the triathlon life full time. I was coaching and racing professionally full time, so I can say I made but by 2012, I started to see professional sports with different eyes.
May 28th 2013 I finally won my first triathlon race. After I won that race things started to get kind of blurry again, because the truth is I won the race but how I felt inside did not change. I really thought I would feel different, but I didn’t. Crazy because I had that goal since 2004. After I won the race I kept looking for the stars looking for answers, because that was not it! The empty feeling was still there.
Triathlon was not making it, in fact it was making it worst. I mean, I was physically getting tired and sick, and I started to find out about all the drugs in the sport (I was a basket case). Not only that, but also how almost nobody played fair even during the race. Long story, but that just made me angrier. After that race, I bought a book that changed my life forever: The secret race by Tyler Hamilton, a book that tells in details the drugs in the Tour de France when he raced with Lance Armstrong. On that book Tyler talk about 1000 days, something like that he said: “takes about 1000 days in the sport to realize either you take drugs or you will never go far in your career”. Little by little I was realizing that was not for me, and the count down of my 1000 days started.
On December 23rd, Festivus Day I went to a friends house to borrow his bike, because I was changing sponsors and my bike was not ready yet. That day when I saw him with his kids I had a intuition, it was almost like time stopped and I heard: Fatherhood is what you been looking all for all this time.
2014 came along and I did 2 ironmans that year, and after the last ironman of the season in Arizona, I decided to smoked a joint the day after the race. I haven’t smoked in so many years so I went to Ruby Tuesdays and 2 burgers and 2 deserts later I stop to think. I look up the sky and thought: “What the fuck I am I doing?” I was so confused, I had a huge triathlon team, I was racing pro, technically a dream come true, with 6% body fat, another dream come true but I was not happy, or healthy. Weed always opens my mind, and like I always say “it does not numb my emotions, it just amplifies”. However, I was addicted to the stress, and my I guess my ego spoke louder so I signed up for another race in January.
January 2015 I did probably my best race ever, even with a 45 minute flat tire I got 2nd place in the local ironman. My best race ever, but after the race that feeling was back again and this time even stronger this time. It felt like I was being choked. Well, the inevitable happened: CRISIS! This time the worst crisis of my life. I was fucking up in so many levels and in all areas of my life. I remember getting in therapy with a headache for hitting myself in the head, and I told the therapist I finally did something right I am in pain. The answer of course was “that’s not good”.
Anyways, that crisis made me release a lot of shit. I took on writing and made me feel really good. I took sometime off from training, racing and increased my meditations. In one of those meditations I realized I was ready to be a Dad, and at first try we got pregnant. Luke was so ready to come. However, I decided to do another ironman in Cozumel and boy that was not a good idea. I lost my bottle, dehydrated and the race was a disaster. So, I did not finish the race and took the rest of the time as a vacation.
When I came back home I thought, that can’t be the last race, so I signed up for a local 140.6 (Ironman Distance in miles) in Naples Florida, same as January 2015. I did the race, won and came back home the same day, cause that is where my soul wanted to be. I didn’t even stay for the podium next day cause I was really done. The funny thing is back in 2004 I had a dream that I won an ironman with the time of 9 hours and 50, and guess my time on that race? 9 hours and 55 minutes close enough.
February 22nd I complete 1000 days and that day I went for a run, after the 1st mile I stopped because everything was hurting, specially my neck. I looked up the sky and thought, “I think I am done with this shit”. But what about the my business? That was a good question that I had no fucking clue! All I knew is that my soul was screaming for a change, I could not keep that going physically, mentally and emotionally.