Chapter 14: can I play with madness?

For me hell (depression) was like this: You have 2 voices in your head, one the voice of the holy unworthiness and the other the voice of your intuitions and feelings. I learned not to express those feelings because that was either not acceptable or not normal. Now, what you do when your feelings and intuitions are correct but everyone tells you that is not. That you are wrong, and that is not acceptable. Well, you become fearful, and fear leads to anger which leads to hate. So, I started to hate myself.

I started to numb my feelings and beat myself up, with cigarettes,  alcohol,  food, and with work (workaholic with no purpose). Then I made a change, started to exercise to loose weight,  started to diet,  but then I took the addiction to the other side of the spectrum.  That is when I realized I felt the same inside even doing the so dreamed 360 degree change, which didn’t change shit. I still felt the same however, by doing a 360 degree change lead me to make the real change and find balance. That is when I brought religion into therapy and I started to go against everything I learned because I realized I was infringing my first rule in life: thou shall not be an asshole. I was being an asshole with the most important person in the world: myself. When I figure that out the unworthiness holy voice of my head became a sarcastic stand up comedian.

Now I realized I have been bully by Religion for years! Now, with bullies sometimes you have to fight back. Believe me, I have been on both side of fence. That is why I am a walking contradiction, even though my first life rule is thou shall not be an asshole, sometimes you need to be an asshole. My Dad once said “whatever you chose to be, make sure you do it with love”. Well, if I am going to be an asshole, mine as well be a good one!

If life is a game I can identify myself as the fool card in the tarot deck. He represents new begins and let’s be honest I have always been considered the fool for believing in love. But you know what? I found love it and is not what religion says it at all. Is quite the opposite, and the truth is I don’t really want to fight, I am not that kind of guy. However, I know that “God” created Rirou the Punk for a reason.

Therefore I am happy to announce that in the Next Festivus December 23rd, 2020 Rirou the Punk is coming with book (Portuguese at first) “Punkaste, escaping hell (depression)” , and Star Punks the first Rock-it-ology album. So Religion considered this a handshake, after all handshakes are just a subtle fuck you, and sometimes is the easiest thing to do is say fuck you!

Religion claims God is love, but they are not inclusive therefore cannot be love. Love is messy, is the good, the bad and the ugly. Love is real, Love is unfashion…like I said I do not put Halloween decorations in my house because my house is a freak show all year long. So yes, I found love I can honestly say I understand more about “God” then Religion ever will!

October 10th is mental health day and I am doing this for my mental health. October 12th is kids day in Brazil and I am doing this for the kids aren’t alright. Today is Monday and I am happy to say I don’t have a case of the Mondays anymore, is too much fun being alive!

Punkaste, may the punk force be with you!

Rirou

Can I play with madness?
Give me the sense to wonder
To wonder if I’m free
Give me a sense of wonder
To know I can be me
Give me the strength to hold my head up
Spit back in their face
Don’t need no key to unlock this door
Gonna break down the walls
Break out of this bad placeCan I play with madness? The prophet stared at his crystal ball
Can I play with madness? There’s no vision there at all
Can I play with madness? The prophet looked and he laughed at me, ha, he said
Can I play with madness? He said, “you’re blind, too blind to see”
Oh, said, “you’re too blind to see”, mmmI screamed aloud to the old man
I said, “don’t lie, don’t say you don’t know”
I said, “you’ll pay for this mischief”
“Ah, in this world or the next”
Oh and then he fixed me with a freezing glance
And the hell fires raged in his eyes
He said, “do you wanna know the truth, son?”
“Lord, I’ll tell you the truth”
“Your soul’s gonna burn in a lake of fire”Can I play with madness? The prophet stared at his crystal ball
Can I play with madness? There’s no vision there at all
Can I play with madness? The prophet looked and he laughed at me, ha ha, he said
Can I play with madness? He said, “you’re blind, too blind to see”
“Oh, listen to me, ” said the prophetCan I play with madness? The prophet stared at his crystal ball
Can I play with madness? There’s no vision there at all
Can I play with madness? The prophet looked and he laughed at me, ha, he said
Can I play with madness? He said, “you’re blind, too blind to see”
Can I play with madness?

Chapter 7: The punk in me honors the punk you

The day of this picture was the day my eyes open after Luke was born. I mean, I was blind for awhile due to the light Luke brought to me. That day was also the same day Luke opened his eyes physically also the day he flipped everybody off. I mean he was on planet earth for 19 days and all we did was test after test to figure it out what was going on. That was the day things started to change and I understood as: He is fine, he just needs love like any other child in the world.

From that point on my wife and I said enough testing, let’s just wait for more results to come and start seeing what we need to do take him home, taking him out to see the sun, take him to the beach, take him skateboarding, start living in general. We started to work on getting out of the hospital. In other words, we said let him shine and see what support he needs.

Feeling that Luke was fine helped me keep going within and keep working on my healing, he actually speed up the process. That was my promise to myself, I did not want to pass on my baggage to my kids. Luckily, that was not my first transformation, so I knew what I needed to do. In order to change anything you must first destroy the old and that is what I did, something I call anarchy with a discipline of an ironman. I didn’t think twice, and I decided to fully retire form racing and only coach. That felt really good.

I started to build the new or what I thought was the new, but the universe was sending me another way and little by little I started to lose my clients. Until one day my coaching deal with LA Fitness ended out of nowhere. So, we decided to move to Colorado. I tried a to do the same old story, go back to school but that was not it either. I was still confused, so I found a therapist in Colorado and restarted my therapy sessions.

This time therapy were really intense, since I was getting into the core of the issue of my depression. I mean, up to know I have used physical pain (ironman), and it help however it was not healing. I was just a slave of pain. For me, all we need is Love, so I needed to Love myself and that means embrace and accept my inner punk. I knew what I needed to do was to heal my inner child, I was still angry inside. For me that was only one option: I needed to make that air guitar become real. I needed learn how to play my favorite songs in the guitar, that was my goal when I got the guitar before Luke was born. Yeah, those same songs that I always heard it was taking me to hell.

I started to play and since I always wanted to do some non-profit and something the brings change, I was looking for something that could unite both. With time my mission started to make sense, and again the universe made his move and put me in inside a preschool classroom. I did the first year of preschool with Luke as his nurse cause she quit in the 1st month. There I realized that kids are naturally born punks, they know about love and unity. I mean, seen how Luke rocks and keep asking for fast songs, and seen kids in preschool I am sure kids are born punks! Therefore, we just need to teach them not to sell their soul and embrace their inner punk.

The more I meditate the more insane I become, and I know that I need to fulfill my destiny. I decided to turn my anger into something nice. I realize that if I use the enemy (rock) and start them early I could raise an army of punks. An army of love, and love you know, spreads like fire. Therefore, I could make a real change in world while healing myself. As I learn how to play my favorite “Religious” songs they inspire me to create Punk Rock songs for kids. This way I can change the world one kid at the time…. Some might enjoy, some might not, but remember it’s okay to be different, and love is love.

Punkaste,

Rirou

Rocker Dad concept

Here is today’s video of how the whole Rocker Dad concept started after a big breakthrough in Rirou’s therapy session.

Remember to check it out Rirou’s very first Punk Rock song for kids!

Punkaste,

Rirou

That’s what’s all about

The big question is why? What is the purpose of Rirou doing all of this. Well, this sounds a little crazy. Since a little kid Rirou became fascinated with Iron Maiden, they were like gods to him and their music touch his soul like no other music. Well maybe ACDC since that was his first album. Around 7 years old he wanted to play the guitar and let his hair grow like the Maiden guys. That never really happened and Rirou did not say a word about it for years. On top of all that, the art Rirou wanted to do was considered evil. Well, due to that Rirou became an angry man. Rirou did not dream about being famous, he just wanted to rock, is that simple!

As a kid Rirou has always been fascinated with Star Wars and he said his first kid would be called Luke. As a young kid he wanted to have 2 kids a boy and a girl. The boy he wanted to call Luke, because of Luke Skywalker his favorite character growing up. That was something his friends reminded him not long ago.

Luke was born a natural Rock star and fan of ACDC. Rirou knew it that history could not repeat itself, not with his kids. So Rirou and his family didn’t think twice they ran to the hills, they ran for their lives and moved to Colorado. Rirou always trusted the metal gods…

Since Luke became a really big fan of ACDC, and Rirou’s wife said: “Boy you can turn any kid into a Rock fan”, which is true, he had turned many kids into rock fans during his life time. Just a side note Rirou does not talk about his wife cause she likes to be behind the scenes. If you are married, you know what he is talking about, she is the boss. Anyways, that was a sign for Rirou so he created a master plan after all dream without a plan is just a wish.

The master plan

Rirou’s master plan is simple; transform classical kids songs into punk song for kids and create some of his own, while learning his favorite songs in the guitar. This way he could change the world by creating punk rock songs for kids, and building an army of little punks. When those kids grow up, they can read Rirou’s holy E-books of the Religion he created and became his own Pope. That is Rirou’s master plan to leave his mark, the mark of the beast. Again, the gods iron maiden were guiding Rirou the number of the beast song, Rirou’s favorite of all times. In that song he said, “I will be back…and make my evil take its course and here we are!

What makes this plan so hilarious is that it fits right into a description of a midlife crisis, and it seems pure evil for some people or even completely insane. But it’s not like that, the project is pure unconditional love, and is not a midlife crisis. Is simply healing.

Rirou always told his clients that they need a purpose to whatever they want to hit a goal. We always need a reason why we do things, and seems like this is a higher purpose for Rirou. What makes this project hilarious and ironic is:

  1. A 40 year old learning how to sing and play the guitar it is funny, because it is fun to be a beginner in something, specially at this age. Also, doing that is like being a kid again, and you must agree that a 40 year old man having fun like a kid is beyond hilarious.
  2. Rirou uses the enemy (Religion) as a metaphor to create his project to punk the world.
  3. Rirou is a pope of his own Religion, and Rirou’s archenemy is the Pope that prohibited Iron Maiden to play in Chile in 1992.
  4. For many metal, punk and death metal is considered evil is what makes Rirou a better Dad, husband and human.
  5. Rirou transformed his anger into something beautiful, even if you don’t like the music, the idea is based in pure love; and that is beautiful.
  6. Rirou does have a comedy show but for now is in Portuguese. In the show Rirou goes to therapy, and since therapy is made in the first language, for now is in Portuguese. English maybe soon (long story).

Rirou had this plan for awhile now, and on 02/20/2020 he sang live for the first time ever and that was the day he said “fuck depression, let’s rock” and Rock-it-ology establish. Rirou was having a hard time implementing the plan, so this 40 introspective days through the COVID-420 made Rirou lose his fear and became the Punk Rocker Dad. What makes it so hilarious is that he just have to be himself!

The conclusion is: Looking good naked and not afraid, that is what’s all about! Maybe life is all about the hokey pokey, you know… “you do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around, that’s what is all about.

Genius or insane? I let you decide as this project takes off, because Rirou found himself, he just still didn’t figure it out if he is a genius or insane in the brain.

Feel Good,

Rirou

Day 39 of 40 – The art of Looking good naked

Looking good is matter of being comfortable in your own skin. Rirou have had a hard time with that for a long time. For a long time he could not even look at his own eyes in the mirror. It did not matter how many affirmations he did, how many diets, or how much exercise he did. He did not look good naked. When Luke was born everything changed, Rirou needed to accept himself and feel good about himself if he wanted his kids to feel that way.

Rirou notice the more he played the guitar and did his art the better he felt, and the better he looked good naked. Meaning he could actually look at himself in the mirror. Not only that, he could look in the mirror and say I love you out loud. Even looking like Chewbacca, that is how he describes himself after he stop shaving his body, after all, he was no longer a triathlete, therefore no need to shave. Sorry that is too much information but it’s part of the process.

Since life is a mirror game, he notice the better he felt the better Luke felt. For Rirou it was clear, everything is connected, and starts with you and how you feel. That is when the Rocker Dad project came along…. The punk side you probably already notice, the attitude, and tomorrow the rocker Dad will rise.

Feel Good,

Rirou

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