For years I believe I was doom for a life of surfering and pain. For real, was a feeling that I couldn’t enjoy life, and if I did I would be punished. Everything that gave me joy was going to be the end of the world. Like, everything was my fault. Heavy metal thought me that the easy way out, ending life, was not an option.
Yes, it’s true, the feeling was that I was wicked. Like in my dreams is it was always there, demons faces saying I couldn’t enjoy life. I didn’t know what those demons were until I picked up the guitar to play at 39 years old. Not only that, it only started to make sense on my 40th birthday! That’s when I realized I was battling my own existence.
At age of 39 is when I told my wife, I wanted to be the one who stays home with the kids and learn music. Not only because I didn’t want to work. I mean I don’t want to work, because the truth I can’t have a boss. I think from all the bosses that I had, there is a very few that I didn’t say fuck off. Me out there is a menace to society. It’s true, cause I have an attitude and I know how to use it, like the guy from office space. The scene where the guy from office space, says fuck off and got promoted actually happened in my life a few times. Or that scene with George Costanza, when he does everything the opposite way. Anyways, I said I want to stay home and say fuck you to the Pope and rock. I also wanted to stay home mostly because Luke is as sensitive, if not more than I am, and now Amber. She is also super sensitive.
Scaping hell (depression) is about learning about my sensitivity and using, and as I do that I want to teach my kids how to use their strength in life, after all my sensitivity is my strength. This way the story won’t repeat itself. The crazy thing is as a sensitive person I became very angry inside due to not exploring my sensitivity, and swallowing my feelings. Didn’t look like I was an angry person because like the movie Anger Management he says there are 2 kinds of people: the one who explodes and the one who listened quietly day after day. Well, I am/was the one who listened day after day. Felt like I was grounded for 33 years.
Hell and fire was spawned to be released and that’s when the other day I made the video of saying fuck you to the Pope. As I released all this anger in form of art I noticed that things actually started to workout in my life, and the paranoia is gone. Things are no longer heavy and the energy is flowing. Not only that, by doing this, it creates a positive effect in the people around me, my family. Maybe not the devoted catholics since my story make them uncomfortable, but it’s what they say, life begins at the end of the confort zone.
Now I planned to release my first kids song in portuguese this week, however since we are moving (we got a house, see how choosing love/joy things workout?), I decided to wait and record the video in the new house. I believe this will have a much deeper meaning. Because the reality is, on January 20th, Saint Sebastian day the Padron of my hometown (Rio de Janeiro, Brasil) we bought our first home. That day was when the world turned around for me, that day was the day I realized I was not doomed, and I finally found my place under the sun. Yeah, I escaped hell, and it felt like a slapt in the face of destiny. Well, maybe not a slapt, but more like a mooning to destiny. I always loved mooning LOL.
Life is not about waiting the storm to pass, neither learning how to dance in the rain. Life is about realizing you are the storm. Once you realize you are the storm you will be able to connect the dots in your life. As I explain in this blog before I had a lot of traumas that led me to depression. Trauma is real, and not our fault but I believe is our duty to heal.
The truth is I have always been sensitive, and as a child I was severely sensitive. I mean I felt the whole thing, I can feel people and places energy; I have an insane amount of deja-vus; I have dreams that came into reality and an intuition that goes beyond what I can explain. I also have always been attracted to esoteric stuff since an early age. At a very young age I was thought quickly that boys didn’t cry and that the music that made me feel good, was evil. Well, you blend this together and I became a very fearful kid. I was afraid of my own existence at that point.
I try to talk about it. I really did, many times. The first time, I tried to talk to a priest, but I was judge from the get go and accused of using drugs. As a sensitive person you know when they are lying, plus on that time I was totally against marijuana, I saw as a drug, now I see as medicine. After a few years of trying to talk I end up shutting myself up even more and that became hell. I really don’t know how hell can be any worst than feeling and not being able to speak or even be heard. Not be able to cry, not be able to express. That’s true hell.
In 2004 I finally said fuck it, I wanted to be health and happy. Therefore, like a punk I decided to to find the answers for myself and I started my healing process. I started with therapy, but I knew it that life was more than what we think it is. In 2005 I thought about going to a monastery and become a monk. I was rediculzed about this thought the same way I was when I said I was going to be a pro athlete as a kid. Every one said, I couldn’t be a holy man, I was to wild, and the music I heard was not holy. Even though they never really asked me what I felt and why I wanted that. After I finished my first ironman, I thought, “this is better then a monastery”. The physical pain helped with my emotional pain, and the training was like a moving meditation. Months later after my first ironman, I found true love. I found the woman that was going to be the mother of my children. Long story but I just knew it she was the one.
Back in 2012 I decided to add more things to my healing. Things like Reiki, past life regression, esoteric books, body talk and I restarted listening to music during my workouts. Specially metal and punk rock. That was the beginning of my escape from hell. After Luke was born he woke up my soul and I realized that health is about mind, body and soul. And I kept the soul out of the equation for a long time. So I had to go deep in my soul to look for answers. Months later in 2016 I became a Reiki master and honestly the last 4 years I was determined to connect the dots. A few weeks after I finished my interviews with the ghostwriter and I held Amber in my arms I connected and started losing the fear. After all, I always heard you will understand when you are a father. Well I am a father now, actually father of 2.
Apparently, there is a thing called clairaudience which is a type of medium ship. One of the characteristics of that is: You get signs from songs and things people say. Is like, you hear a song or listen to something and you can connect the dots in your life. Is freaky to be honest, but is no joke, it is real! Same thing of being an empath, that you feel energy, that shit is real too. Anyways, apparently this shit is really strong in me. Like, fucked up strong, and the biggest irony of all is that the so called “devil” music guided me out of hell, a hell that religion put me on it for listening to heavy metal! Ha, isn’t that fantastic?
That is why I want to learn all the songs the guided me all this time because it heals my soul. Trauma is real and weed does helps with going beyond the trauma. Something called detachment in psychiatry. Either way, weed helps in going beyond the trauma, like I can detach from the trauma and coffee gives me the energy to make it happen. These are a powerful combination. Now, what it all means I don’t know. Where it all going to go I don’t know. All I know is my Reiki is crazy good, it feels good to learn those songs, and to talk about spirituality in a form of philosophy. It’s a huge relief. Also, I have that feeling inside that says I must tell this story.
The truth is my entire existence was based on “faith” in the life force because I didn’t know how I was going to do. I didn’t want to go to college, I didn’t want to have a concrete plan, and all I wanted was to do what I felt like it. All I had was a feeling, a feeling telling me the way, I trusted and it worked. That is why I say I am an asshole, because I simply said fuck all this I am going to do what I want; what I feel like is the best for me. So, if rock and roll is the devil’s music and rock and roll guided me here, is only fair to tell the Pope Rirou is back and he is making holy smoke. Funny because it feels like this is build up from past lives, and I must end this cycle in this life time now by telling MY truth. Something I only connected the dots after becoming a Dad, after all kids are our biggest teachers bringing us the biggest spiritual gifts.
Life is ironic, the problem is you and at the same time you are the solution. We are all in hell, we are all disconnected. Look at it, we are all depressed, is a depressive world, we treat each other and the environment like shit. But hey, hell aint a bad place, your friends are there too. You are not alone! So, go find your joy, go find love. But remember the world is a mirror and to find love you must first love yourself. Doing it so you will be an asshole to a lot of people, but you will stop being an asshole with yourself. Then guarantee love will start knocing at your door cause the truth is life is about being your own hero. Kill your pride and attitude, it’s not about money is about your soul. You can loose everything but never your soul.
During this life time I heard that my sensitivity was feminine (aka boys don’tcry), so maybe the mediumship I have, is an old witch and now I fixed the portion (coffee and weed). I do want to share my side of the story and I do want to help people, because my point is there is more to it, there is more to life that we can even imagine, or even fit in a box (chruch) and there is a lot more to it behing a sensitive man/boy. I can tell you one thing, the meaning of life is following your dreams, your deepest dreams. That inner child dreams. I did it once when I followed my dream of being a professional athlete, and I now I am making 2 other dreams come true: the guitar and picking a fight with the pope. After all he did prohibited iron maiden to play in Chile in 1992 for no reason, taking the joy of millions of people; and that was the beginning of my trauma.
Ps: Trauma is often reflected in the body and back in 2014 I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism, which is located in the throat chakra. The throat chakra is totally related to comunication, and mine is off balance, the reason why “is fear of speaking”. That is why, this whole project is healing and motivating other to heal themselves as well.
Believe in me and send no money I died on the cross, that ain’t funny But my so called friends they’re making me a joke They missed out what I said like I never spoke They choose what they wanna hear, don’t tell a lie They just leave out the truth as they’re watching you die They’re saving the souls by taking your money Flies around shit, bees around honey Holy smoke, holy smoke Plenty bad preachers for the devil to stoke Feed ’em in feet first this is no joke This is thirsty work making holy smoke Making holy smoke Jimmy Reptile and all his friends Say they gonna be with you at the end Burning records, burning books Holy soldiers, Nazi looks Crocodile smiles, just wait awhile Till the TV Queen gets her make up clean I’ve lived in filth, I’ve lived in sin And I still smell cleaner than the shit you’re in Holy smoke, holy smoke There’s plenty bad preachers for the devil to stoke Feed ’em in feet first, this is no joke This is thirsty work making holy smoke Holy smoke Smells good They ain’t religious but they ain’t no fools When Noah built his Cadillac it was cool Two by two they’re still going down And the satellite circus just left town I think they’re strange and when they’re dead They can have a Lincoln for their bed Friend of the president, trick of the tail Now they ain’t got a prayer, one hundred years in jail Holy smoke, holy smoke Plenty bad preachers for the devil to stoke Feed ’em in feet first this is no joke This is thirsty work making holy smoke Holy smoke.
On September 2017 they were going through their second hurricane, and in order to escape they went to a friends house is Alabama. Breathing new airs for Rirou was extremely good cause he realized he was ready for a change.
The trip to Alabama was a very stressful trip and in order to keep the vibe of the family up Rirou was using a lot of music, specially with Luke. After Luke was born Rirou didn’t have much time to play the guitar, but on that trip to Alabama he got a Toy Guitar and started doing songs for Luke.
Rirou notice that music made Luke not only makes him happy but helped him move with the rhythm and he kept asking for faster songs. Moving fast is one of the key things to help overcome nemaline myopathy, since the muscle fibers affected are the fast twitch ones. Therefore an exercise with fast movements would definitely be beneficial. Rirou had always trained listening to Rock, that is where he performed the best. Another mind blowing moment for Rirou.
Rirou had no belief, but he knew it that he had a special connection with the universe. Every time Rirou needed guidance he would look you at stars, specially the moon. Rirou considered himself a moon child. During that trip, Rirou look to the skies over and over again, after all we all know Alabama is where the skies are so blue. Rirou had never felt so whole in his life, fatherhood is his biggest gift, his life purpose. Rirou believes in the stars and in the life force,after all he saw in the NICU but now he had proof that was writing in the stars.
The seed was planted now it was time to change, and the universe pointed to Colorado with a new opportunity. Another mind blowing moment, since Colorado was where they announced the name writing in the snow on February 2016. It was time to Run to the hills!
Now, is day 21 of Rirou’s walk to the desert and it is time for a change and start his project.