Chapter 18: Holy smoke

Life is not about waiting the storm to pass, neither learning how to dance in the rain. Life is about realizing you are the storm. Once you realize you are the storm you will be able to connect the dots in your life. As I explain in this blog before I had a lot of traumas that led me to depression. Trauma is real, and not our fault but I believe is our duty to heal.

The truth is I have always been sensitive, and as a child I was severely sensitive. I mean I felt the whole thing, I can feel people and places energy; I have an insane amount of deja-vus; I have dreams that came into reality and an intuition that goes beyond what I can explain. I also have always been attracted to esoteric stuff since an early age. At a very young age I was thought quickly that boys didn’t cry and that the music that made me feel good, was evil. Well, you blend this together and I became a very fearful kid. I was afraid of my own existence at that point.

I try to talk about it. I really did, many times. The first time, I tried to talk to a priest, but I was judge from the get go and accused of using drugs. As a sensitive person you know when they are lying, plus on that time I was totally against marijuana, I saw as a drug, now I see as medicine. After a few years of trying to talk I end up shutting myself up even more and that became hell. I really don’t know how hell can be any worst than feeling and not being able to speak or even be heard. Not be able to cry, not be able to express. That’s true hell.

In 2004 I finally said fuck it, I wanted to be health and happy. Therefore, like a punk I decided to to find the answers for myself and I started my healing process. I started with therapy, but I knew it that life was more than what we think it is. In 2005 I thought about going to a monastery and become a monk. I was rediculzed about this thought the same way I was when I said I was going to be a pro athlete as a kid. Every one said, I couldn’t be a holy man, I was to wild, and the music I heard was not holy. Even though they never really asked me what I felt and why I wanted that. After I finished my first ironman, I thought, “this is better then a monastery”. The physical pain helped with my emotional pain, and the training was like a moving meditation. Months later after my first ironman, I found true love. I found the woman that was going to be the mother of my children. Long story but I just knew it she was the one.

Back in 2012 I decided to add more things to my healing. Things like Reiki, past life regression, esoteric books, body talk and I restarted listening to music during my workouts. Specially metal and punk rock. That was the beginning of my escape from hell. After Luke was born he woke up my soul and I realized that health is about mind, body and soul. And I kept the soul out of the equation for a long time. So I had to go deep in my soul to look for answers. Months later in 2016 I became a Reiki master and honestly the last 4 years I was determined to connect the dots. A few weeks after I finished my interviews with the ghostwriter and I held Amber in my arms I connected and started losing the fear. After all, I always heard you will understand when you are a father. Well I am a father now, actually father of 2.

Apparently, there is a thing called clairaudience which is a type of medium ship. One of the characteristics of that is: You get signs from songs and things people say. Is like, you hear a song or listen to something and you can connect the dots in your life. Is freaky to be honest, but is no joke, it is real! Same thing of being an empath, that you feel energy, that shit is real too. Anyways, apparently this shit is really strong in me. Like, fucked up strong, and the biggest irony of all is that the so called “devil” music guided me out of hell, a hell that religion put me on it for listening to heavy metal! Ha, isn’t that fantastic?

That is why I want to learn all the songs the guided me all this time because it heals my soul. Trauma is real and weed does helps with going beyond the trauma. Something called detachment in psychiatry. Either way, weed helps in going beyond the trauma, like I can detach from the trauma and coffee gives me the energy to make it happen. These are a powerful combination. Now, what it all means I don’t know. Where it all going to go I don’t know. All I know is my Reiki is crazy good, it feels good to learn those songs, and to talk about spirituality in a form of philosophy. It’s a huge relief. Also, I have that feeling inside that says I must tell this story.

The truth is my entire existence was based on “faith” in the life force because I didn’t know how I was going to do. I didn’t want to go to college, I didn’t want to have a concrete plan, and all I wanted was to do what I felt like it. All I had was a feeling, a feeling telling me the way, I trusted and it worked. That is why I say I am an asshole, because I simply said fuck all this I am going to do what I want; what I feel like is the best for me. So, if rock and roll is the devil’s music and rock and roll guided me here, is only fair to tell the Pope Rirou is back and he is making holy smoke. Funny because it feels like this is build up from past lives, and I must end this cycle in this life time now by telling MY truth. Something I only connected the dots after becoming a Dad, after all kids are our biggest teachers bringing us the biggest spiritual gifts.

Life is ironic, the problem is you and at the same time you are the solution. We are all in hell, we are all disconnected. Look at it, we are all depressed, is a depressive world, we treat each other and the environment like shit. But hey, hell aint a bad place, your friends are there too. You are not alone! So, go find your joy, go find love. But remember the world is a mirror and to find love you must first love yourself. Doing it so you will be an asshole to a lot of people, but you will stop being an asshole with yourself. Then guarantee love will start knocing at your door cause the truth is life is about being your own hero. Kill your pride and attitude, it’s not about money is about your soul. You can loose everything but never your soul.

During this life time I heard that my sensitivity was feminine (aka boys don’tcry), so maybe the mediumship I have, is an old witch and now I fixed the portion (coffee and weed). I do want to share my side of the story and I do want to help people, because my point is there is more to it, there is more to life that we can even imagine, or even fit in a box (chruch) and there is a lot more to it behing a sensitive man/boy. I can tell you one thing, the meaning of life is following your dreams, your deepest dreams. That inner child dreams. I did it once when I followed my dream of being a professional athlete, and I now I am making 2 other dreams come true: the guitar and picking a fight with the pope. After all he did prohibited iron maiden to play in Chile in 1992 for no reason, taking the joy of millions of people; and that was the beginning of my trauma.

Punkaste,

Rirou

Ps: Trauma is often reflected in the body and back in 2014 I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism, which is located in the throat chakra. The throat chakra is totally related to comunication, and mine is off balance, the reason why “is fear of speaking”. That is why, this whole project is healing and motivating other to heal themselves as well.

Believe in me and send no money
I died on the cross, that ain’t funny
But my so called friends they’re making me a joke
They missed out what I said like I never spoke They choose what they wanna hear, don’t tell a lie
They just leave out the truth as they’re watching you die
They’re saving the souls by taking your money
Flies around shit, bees around honey Holy smoke, holy smoke
Plenty bad preachers for the devil to stoke
Feed ’em in feet first this is no joke
This is thirsty work making holy smoke
Making holy smoke Jimmy Reptile and all his friends
Say they gonna be with you at the end
Burning records, burning books
Holy soldiers, Nazi looks Crocodile smiles, just wait awhile
Till the TV Queen gets her make up clean
I’ve lived in filth, I’ve lived in sin
And I still smell cleaner than the shit you’re in Holy smoke, holy smoke
There’s plenty bad preachers for the devil to stoke
Feed ’em in feet first, this is no joke This is thirsty work making holy smoke
Holy smoke
Smells good They ain’t religious but they ain’t no fools
When Noah built his Cadillac it was cool
Two by two they’re still going down
And the satellite circus just left town I think they’re strange and when they’re dead
They can have a Lincoln for their bed
Friend of the president, trick of the tail
Now they ain’t got a prayer, one hundred years in jail Holy smoke, holy smoke
Plenty bad preachers for the devil to stoke
Feed ’em in feet first this is no joke
This is thirsty work making holy smoke
Holy smoke.

Chapter 6: “I have no belief, but I believe I am walking contradiction…”

Well, we that was how we started our NICU journey. Looking back at my life I could clearly see that I went to 2 big transformations which all of them had a piece of spirituality. The first one was a mental transformation back in 2003 when I decided to start fighting depression, and I started yoga back then. The second one was a body transformation that started back in 2012, that is when I started receiving Reiki. When we got pregnant my spiritual awakening just grew exponentially. In every transformation I went through things get pretty intense at first, specially if is a radical one. They get intense because you need to destroy the old in order to build the new. To be honest, that is the only way to do, otherwise you will never change. If you wanna change you need to be Roots and Radical.

In the NICU the feelings were raw an intense, that push all your limits above and beyond. Those are real human emotions and super intense, you literally go from 0 to 100 is seconds. Anyways, for me, inclusion starts at home, so my wife and I pretty much moved into the room that the hospital provide for families that lived far: The Conine House. And that is where we lived for the next 84 days, after all we are a family, we are all in this together. My mother-in-law stayed at home with Bolt (our dog) that did not leave Luke’s room until we were back home 84 days later. Honestly, he only left to go outside and then back to his room. Crazy!

During the NICU time I heard all kind of things from Doctors. I was scared and confused, but somehow I knew in my heart that Luke was okay. I was so overwhelmed with everything around me. So, I had to slow down. I started to meditate even more, specially next to Luke with lots of mental talks with him. I started to receive Reiki every time I could, and I started to go to Reiki circles in the hospital (super cool that the hospital have a Reiki Circle). I also restarted practicing yoga own my own in the Conine house in the early AM before crossing the street to see Luke wake up. My goal was to be strong spiritually so I could help Luke, and be there for him. I told Luke I couldn’t stay there 24/7 there, but I left the Chewbacca mask next to his bed, so he knew he was not alone.

With time everything started to make sense to me. Honestly, the way it felt was when Luke was born he came with so much light that it blind me for awhile. That being said, as the days went by in the NICU I started to see again but much much more clearly, and things started to make sense, and it was really ironic. Once I heard that irony is the face of God, and as I look to my life is pure irony, like I am literally walking in contradiction. You doubt? let me tell you:

  1. I was a sensitive boy that cried a lot, but at the same time I love heavy metal. I heard my entire life, how I could be so zen and listen to metal?
  2. I am metal head that loves punk rock, usually those 2 don’t match. I hear all the time, you are a punk that likes slayer?Yeah, I fucking love slayer! I also love the dark side of things, because they are real and raw.
  3. I feel I have a really strong spirituality, (intuition, deja-vu etc). I honestly feel that the universe and I have a super strong connection (its a huge story). Truth being said, up to now my feelings were 99.9% of the time right, it’s just hard to trust them because of what I learned. Yet, I don’t believe in God because I hate religion (Religion is simply exclusive, like a box or an aquarium). However, I believe in the Force, the life force that bind us together because for me it’s all connected.
  4. I was a pro athlete that didn’t want to take performance enhancing drugs (I always like weed but weed is not a drug). Yeah, don’t pretend you don’t know, 90% or more of the athletes take something. Even amateurs. Anyways, I was racing for me, because I had a purpose for doing 18 fucking ironmans. I was facing one demon at the time on those races, and that is when I learned that the dark side is your friend. I always loved the dark side, and as a punk I love to face them. After all I love challenging the status quo, like I was born for that!
  5. I always said that hell was a good place. I mean, think about it: Tons of beer, weed, rock and roll for eternity? Where do I sign up? and I think most of my friends will be there, so hell here I go!
  6. In school I didn’t want to cheat, and I didn’t like to study either. That is why I flunk 3 times. I am not perfect, I did cheat a few times but mostly on group work, where some of my friends saved me. But in general, I did try to take responsibility for my grades. In the triathlon was the same, I didn’t want to cheat, where 70% of the athletes did cheat. I honestly rather finish last than cheat, again I had a reason why I was doing those races. Physical pain helps with emotional pain.
  7. Now 2 triathletes have a son with muscle weakness, how ironically beautiful this is? I mean, who better than 2 triathletes, to parent a kid like Luke?

For me being a Dad is accepting a Soul that is coming, and that soul is coming for spiritual growth, meaning we are all perfectly imperfect and life is a challenging school. Therefore, the way I see it is I got the son that I need for my spiritual growth and Luke have the parents that will help his spiritual growth, same thing with my daughter that is coming soon (we are at 32 weeks today). My biggest fear in the NICU was how I was going to teach Luke about acceptance, if I haven’t accepted myself. Meaning, I dealt with depression for a reason, and now it was time to heal.

Punkaste,

Rirou

Day 26 of 40 – Who made who?

Who made who? That is the question that nobody can answer, and on the day 26 of Rirou’s COVID-19 isolation, he was contemplating about that question. After all the collective matrix was going to an existential crisis due to the corona virus, well that is what seems like it. Maybe was just Rirou, but anyways if everything happens for a reason it must be have a reason why a Punk was born.

Rirou didn’t know who made who, well nobody really knows, but he knew one thing: how he felt, and rock was the number #1 that made him feel good. However, hidden forces were trying to say that was wrong.

When Rirou was about 12 years old, the Pope prohibit Iron Maiden to play in Chile and Rirou got mad and called the pope an asshole and got in trouble. Later on when Rirou was about 15 he went his Religious teacher (he studied in a Catholic School) and asked him why he felt more connect when he was surfing or skateboarding and not when I was at Church (we were obligated to attend mass in school). His answers was: “I think you are smoking too much weed!” Rirou was shocked! First because he haven’t even tried marijuana on that time, and second he was just looking for comfort for the emotional issues that I was dealing with. Not satisfied the asshole, I mean the “priest” added: “You are most likely going to hell with your music taste!”. Yeah, he said that for a 15 year old kid. After that day the power of irreverence just grew on Rirou.

Rirou always loved to contemplate about life he was contemplating a lot during this period, and he likes to contemplate during his walks with Bolt. Rirou takes the dog out for a walk daily around 4:20, and walks around listening to the birds and looking up to the sky. During that day Rirou realized that rock-it-ology needed some commandments.

Yes, it was 4:20 and no Rirou was not burning the bush during his walk. Yeah, Colorado is legal but people just don’t walk around smoking weed on the streets, and no Rirou did not find a talking bush. However, those walks in the afternoon align with the silence in the streets Rirou was having great insights. That day Rirou stopped and looked at the sky and had an insight. He finally figure it out the commandments.

Rirou is fascinated with numbers, after all he was sure that we lived in a matrix. Now everything made sense since he had found the 3 spiritual laws, and now he figured it out the 7 commandments. The funny thing is that in numerology the number 3 means: Energy of kindness, creativity and joy; and the number 7 remind us that the answers to all questions is in our DNA.

Rirou’s mind just blew it, so he rushed home and wrote in down before the 7 commandments before he forgets, and here they are:

  • Thou shalt not be an asshole
  • Always look at the bright side of life
  • Inclusion is not rocket science
  • Thou shalt face your demons
  • Thou shalt not judge
  • Unfashion thyself
  • Thou shalt eat and train like you give a f*ck

To be continued….

Day 25 of 40 – Something to believe in

Monday April 6th Rirou woke up with and again not another case of the Mondays. This COVID-19 isolation was great for Rirou, he took the time to go within and now things were more clear than ever.

Rirou always believed we all got something to learn and something to teach, and that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes we don’t know why and we have to find out or sometimes we know exactly why. That goes for all of us, no exception, is just part of life. The key is to learn in every situation, at least that was Rirou’s goal after every Ironman. Funny because an Ironman race is 90% mental and 10% physical, different than training. Training is 90% physical and 10% mental. For Rirou every Ironman was a mental battle with big life lessons.

During those Ironmans Rirou decoded 3 spiritual laws that helped him escape his matrix:

  • 1st, Accept it: That is probably the most important one. Like an Ironman, life is challenging and once you sign up you know it will be hard. Same with life, once you are born you know it will have challenges, and it’s not that is good or bad, it is what it is.
  • 2nd, Face it: The truth is the shit is big and you can’t run away. You have to face it, cause if you don’t the demons will only get bigger and bigger. So, we must face our demons. Rirou always said, when in hell become friends with the Devil.
  • 3rd, Rock it: This is the most simple rule, but the most difficult: Listen to your heart and stay true to yourself. Yes, that is all it takes to Rock in life and that is what Rock means to Rirou.
Rirou received this album when he was 18 years old from his Band mate. Another mind blown moment for Rirou when was going through his crisis in 2015, and this album pop up in pandora radio during one of his long runs.

Rirou took the lessons learned during his Ironman period and now he was using in many different levels to escape his own matrix. Those 3 spiritual laws are the base of Rock-it-ology.

Feel Good,

Rirou

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