Chapter 6: as wicked

For years I believe I was doom for a life of surfering and pain. For real, was a feeling that I couldn’t enjoy life, and if I did I would be punished. Everything that gave me joy was going to be the end of the world. Like, everything was my fault. Heavy metal thought me that the easy way out, ending life, was not an option. 

Yes, it’s true, the feeling was that I was wicked. Like in my dreams is it was always there,  demons faces saying I couldn’t enjoy life. I didn’t know what those demons were until I picked up the guitar to play at 39 years old. Not only that, it only started to make sense on my 40th birthday! That’s when I realized I was battling my own existence.

At age of 39 is when I told my wife, I wanted to be the one who stays home with the kids and learn music. Not only because I didn’t want to work. I mean I don’t want to work, because the truth I can’t have a boss. I think from all the bosses that I had, there is a very few that I didn’t say fuck off. Me out there is a menace to society. It’s true, cause I have an attitude and I know how to use it, like the guy from office space.  The scene where the guy from office space,  says fuck off and got promoted actually happened in my life a few times. Or that scene with George Costanza, when he does everything the opposite way. Anyways,  I said I want to stay home and say fuck you to the Pope and rock. I also wanted to stay home mostly because Luke is as sensitive, if not more than I am, and now Amber. She is also super sensitive. 

Scaping hell (depression) is about learning about my sensitivity and using, and as I do that I want to teach my kids how to use their strength in life, after all my sensitivity is my strength. This way the story won’t repeat itself. The crazy thing is as a sensitive person I became very angry inside due to not exploring my sensitivity,  and swallowing my feelings. Didn’t look like I was an angry person because like the movie Anger Management he says there are 2 kinds of people: the one who explodes and the one who listened quietly day after day. Well, I am/was the one who listened day after day. Felt like I was grounded for 33 years.

Hell and fire was spawned to be released and that’s when the other day I made the video of saying fuck you to the Pope. As I released all this anger in form of art I noticed that things actually started to workout in my life, and the paranoia is gone. Things are no longer heavy and the energy is flowing. Not only that, by doing this, it creates a positive effect in the people around me, my family. Maybe not the devoted catholics since my story make them uncomfortable, but it’s what they say, life begins at the end of the confort zone.

Now I planned to release my first kids song in portuguese this week, however since we are moving (we got a house, see how choosing love/joy things workout?), I decided to wait and record the video in the new house. I believe this will have a much deeper meaning. Because the reality is, on January 20th,  Saint Sebastian day the Padron of my hometown (Rio de Janeiro,  Brasil) we bought our first home. That day was when the world turned around for me, that day was the day I realized I was not doomed, and I finally found my place under the sun. Yeah, I escaped hell, and it felt like a slapt in the face of destiny. Well, maybe not a slapt, but more like a mooning to destiny. I always loved mooning LOL. 



Day 5 of 40 – Chaos from within

Monday march 16th, Rirou woke up with the feeling that the air was heavy, kind of a collective case of the Mondays. If you don’y know what “A case of the monday’s” it is please watch the video below. Anyways, the day kept going but Rirou was getting more and more anxious.

That day Rirou made a mistake of checking his Facebook notifications in the morning, the issue with Facebook is that everyone is screaming but nobody is listening. Plus, feels like Facebook is creepy, and sometimes it feels like it trying to control your mind. For example, you post something about, let’s say diapers, and out of a sudden you start seeing ads of diaper all over your Facebook time line. Yeah, it’s creepy, and the same happens in the news, the more you read about certain subject the more that will show it to your time line, and the issue is you never get to see the other side of the story. Facebook feels like back in the days, when family watched the news together and everyone was bitching about it the difference is that on Facebook the “family” is a lot bigger, and everyone is scream and nobody is listening. It’s a recipe for hate.

Rirou has had always a different approach to life, when he was a triathlete for awhile people called him the Triathlon Buddha due to his zen approach to life, and he did the same as a coach. One of his favorites was disconnect in order to connect. Rirou has use that for years, in all of his crisis. Today, was the same, he got caught in collective case of the Mondays and mix that with an internal chaos it becomes a perfect storm.

That Monday Rirou thought, he needed a change. I have been only 1 official week, but Rirou was on the second week of isolation. Rirou knew he needed to do something, and the answer was within….

Feel Good,


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