For years I believe I was doom for a life of surfering and pain. For real, was a feeling that I couldn’t enjoy life, and if I did I would be punished. Everything that gave me joy was going to be the end of the world. Like, everything was my fault. Heavy metal thought me that the easy way out, ending life, was not an option.
Yes, it’s true, the feeling was that I was wicked. Like in my dreams is it was always there, demons faces saying I couldn’t enjoy life. I didn’t know what those demons were until I picked up the guitar to play at 39 years old. Not only that, it only started to make sense on my 40th birthday! That’s when I realized I was battling my own existence.
At age of 39 is when I told my wife, I wanted to be the one who stays home with the kids and learn music. Not only because I didn’t want to work. I mean I don’t want to work, because the truth I can’t have a boss. I think from all the bosses that I had, there is a very few that I didn’t say fuck off. Me out there is a menace to society. It’s true, cause I have an attitude and I know how to use it, like the guy from office space. The scene where the guy from office space, says fuck off and got promoted actually happened in my life a few times. Or that scene with George Costanza, when he does everything the opposite way. Anyways, I said I want to stay home and say fuck you to the Pope and rock. I also wanted to stay home mostly because Luke is as sensitive, if not more than I am, and now Amber. She is also super sensitive.
Scaping hell (depression) is about learning about my sensitivity and using, and as I do that I want to teach my kids how to use their strength in life, after all my sensitivity is my strength. This way the story won’t repeat itself. The crazy thing is as a sensitive person I became very angry inside due to not exploring my sensitivity, and swallowing my feelings. Didn’t look like I was an angry person because like the movie Anger Management he says there are 2 kinds of people: the one who explodes and the one who listened quietly day after day. Well, I am/was the one who listened day after day. Felt like I was grounded for 33 years.
Hell and fire was spawned to be released and that’s when the other day I made the video of saying fuck you to the Pope. As I released all this anger in form of art I noticed that things actually started to workout in my life, and the paranoia is gone. Things are no longer heavy and the energy is flowing. Not only that, by doing this, it creates a positive effect in the people around me, my family. Maybe not the devoted catholics since my story make them uncomfortable, but it’s what they say, life begins at the end of the confort zone.
Now I planned to release my first kids song in portuguese this week, however since we are moving (we got a house, see how choosing love/joy things workout?), I decided to wait and record the video in the new house. I believe this will have a much deeper meaning. Because the reality is, on January 20th, Saint Sebastian day the Padron of my hometown (Rio de Janeiro, Brasil) we bought our first home. That day was when the world turned around for me, that day was the day I realized I was not doomed, and I finally found my place under the sun. Yeah, I escaped hell, and it felt like a slapt in the face of destiny. Well, maybe not a slapt, but more like a mooning to destiny. I always loved mooning LOL.
Punkaste,
Rirou
Today, 01/20/2021 is actually the day of Saint Sebastiao, the patron of Rio de Janeiro, my birth place. At first I wanted to launch my book this day, but since I realized my story is way bigger than I thought, I needed more time to finish the book. Now the idea of this blog is actually to talk about spirituality, so I decided to use the date as my first post of 2021.
The crazy thing of all of this, is that after I decided to talk about my depression, the opportunities of making my point started to showing up at my door. I mean, from Leo the Great answer my tweet to reading an article where the Pope says that those who are skeptical about the vaccine are suicidal denial. You can read here.
If I am completely honest, my set back started with what the Pope said, and here it is why. I am skeptical of this vaccine. I mean, people have all the rights in the world of being skeptical with this vaccine. I am not antivax or a conspiracy guy. I am just human! But to be fair, just in my life time alone I learned about bullshit science with the tabacco industry, with the nutrition industry, with supplements industry, and even with some medicine industry. My kids are vaccined, I believe they work. But this one is different in so many ways, specially because every day there is something new to the virus (unless media lies about). I am not the only skeptical, I did a poll with a few of my followers and 100% said they don’t trust this vaccine either. I just want wait a bit and see more results, until I make my decision. No, am I not suicidal denial, I had those thoughts before because of what you antecessor Pope said. I don’t anymore, but I can’t help the fact that I am a sensitive man. Yeah, I am sensitive like a witch, so God save the queen!
Let’s be totally fair here, we have a big mental health crisis. Now, come out and call people suicidal denial for being skeptical, it’s not super smart in a crisis, is it? I can even say is a bit judgmental. I mean, have you even heard the other side of the story? I think I can prove why I am skeptical. Am I right? Am I wrong? No one knows! Because even one of my son’s doctors said “who knows, maybe in 10 years from now we will say, that was not a good idea.” Or maybe, just maybe a few of us. A very few of us do know about it, and then the game is not monopoly. The real game is hunger games.
Right or wrong I am human, so I would appreciate less judgment and more respect in my belief. See, the problem is you! And no I never get offended, I just might think you are an asshole, and you don’t fuck with my feelings. Not again, because my #1 rule in my house (mind, body and soul) is the story does not repeat itself. I broke the cycle!
I am more human than human.
My name is Rirou and I want to conquer the world.
Hey brother Christian with your high and mighty errand
Your actions speak so loud I can’t hear a word you’re saying
Hey sister bleeding heart with all of your compassion
Your labors soothe the hurt but can’t assuage temptation
Hey man of science with your perfect rules of measure
Can you improve this place with the data that you gather?
Hey mother mercy can your loins bear fruit forever?
Is your fecundity a trammel or a treasure?And I want to conquer the world
Give all the idiots a brand new religion
Put an end to poverty, uncleanliness and toil
Promote equality in all of my decisions
With a quick wink of the eye
And a “God you must be joking”
Hey mister diplomat with your worldly aspirations
Did you see your children cry when you left them at the station?
Hey moral soldier you’ve got righteous proclamation
And precious tomes to fuel your pulpy conflagrations
And I want to conquer the world
Give all the idiots a brand new religion
Put an end to poverty, uncleanliness and toil
Promote equality in all of my decisionsI want to conquer the world
Expose the culprits and feed them to the children
I’ll do away with air pollution and then I’ll save the whales
We’ll have peace on earth and global communion
I want to conquer the world
I want to conquer the world
I want to conquer the world
I want to conquer the world
Punkaste,
Rirou!
I must confess I am loving 2020 because my life started to make sense, and as I said I found my why. I always believed in crisis, I mean crisis bring the best out of us. Because there is no way around it, you have to face it in order to survive. That is why I truly believe crisis brings in the best in us, we have to change, there is no escape.
During my healing process that includes lots of music, skateboarding, singing, guitar/bass playing and my monthly therapy sessions I realized that Religion is the biggest bully of all times at least with me. That is what my book is really about. I love the topic spirituality/existance but I hate religion because put most people in a box, a depressive box of unworthiness. That why for me in that topic there is a thin line between love and hate. Spirituality is about love and unity, however what religion teaches is hate and separation. Unfortunately I never had a chance to say my side of the story, I was shut off by Religion and that cause me a great amount of pain and anger.
Now, did you know that my best iron man ever was racing with anger released in a positive way. That was the race I did against my brothers. I love them but I hate the fact that I was smaller and got beat up all the time. However, in an ironman race we are all equal, and that day my goal was simple: to beat them in the race with as much as spare time as possible. Yeah, I used all my anger to a good thing, to have the performance of my life, a performance that made my career boom as an athlete and coach. What’s best is that was during the race and nobody got hurt, well maybe egos got hurt,but that is ok. I felt relief but took me awhile to understand why that was my best race.
Now when it comes to religion I have been bully for 40 years, I tried many times to approach and have conversations. Real deep meaningful conversations, but I was never received with an open heart. Which sounds crazy, because it should be the opposite. Up to 2020 I had hopes in 2 Religions, not to join but to listen. The 1st was spirtism and the 2nd new age type of thing. However 2020 showed me different again. Around June 2020, in an instagram live where it was a new age subject I said something about rock and roll I was received with an really weird vibe. A judgmental one, so I was ok, for that reason I am out. Then yesterday I made a comment in a famous YouTube channel about spiritism, and I was received the same way, with the same judgmental vibe. It was weird because in both times I came from a loving place being true to myself, making a true statement and in a polite manner. Once again I was received in a judgmental way.
One thing I learned is that with bullies you have to fight back, but in a smart way. Religion have been bullying me for years. They didn’t even stop to hear me, they took my voice and I got in trouble for it. Now I need to make my voice heard for my own healing and for that I am telling my story, a book that Religion will try to burn. Now what do I do with all that anger built? Do the same thing that I did in the ironman against my brothers, use my anger to build good. That is when Rock-it-ology was born.
The name Rock-it-ology came from the song Rock-it from Motörhead. The lyrics says it all, Rock and Roll saved my soul and Lemmy’s got it. Inspired on that was what made want to share the story and use my anger to something good and since life is like an ironman race. I will let it out in this life, cause I am not carring this for the next one. What you do in this life echoes in the eternity so I will fight the evil forces of religion, and remind kids about unity (love). Think about it, I will leave an story with true conisidences, like a prophecy, with music to wake up the inner child feeling (inner punk). This way just like in this iron maiden song, when is my time to go heart will die and my soul will fly forever. Truth is you can burn a book but you can’t shut a thinking mind. Genius or insane? I now think I am a genius, or I am the fallen angel and I am here accomplishing my mission.
Now is a matter of time, of Religion going down, I mean kids just need to be remmeber of who they are and what they came here for. They will shape the world the way they want too and kids are naturally born punks. Like I said is not about me, is about my kids and the world I am leaving for them. I won’t lie the older you get are harder it is due the baggage, but it’s possible. You just need to be willing to get out of the matrix. Meanwhile I will keep fighting back because I won’t sell my soul. The truth is the more I do it, the better and more loving Dad I become, because heals me and allow me to fully presents with my kids and less time between the walls of unworthiness.
They will shape the world the way they want too and kids are naturally born punks. Like I said is not about me, is about my kids and the world I am leaving for them.
For me it all make sense now, is all about Roots and Attitude (thanks Sepultura). The roots here are going within, however going within means going to your darkness and that is painful as fuck, but very rewarding. Attitude is punk, meaning facing your demons. Just remember light needs darkness to shine, is all connected and its all about balance!
Punkaste,
Rirou
When a person turns to wrong, is it a want to be, belong?
Part of things at any cost, at what price a life is lost At what point do we begin, fighter spirit a will to win
But what makes a man decide, take the wrong or righteous road There’s a thin line between love and hate
Wider divide that you can see between good and bad
There’s a grey place between black and white
But everyone does have the right to choose the path that he takes We all like to put the blame on society these days
But what kind of good or bad a new generation brings Sometimes take just more than that to survive be good at heart
There is evil in some of us no matter what will never change I will hope, my soul will fly, so I will live forever
Heart will die, my soul will fly, and I will live forever Just a few small tears between someone happy and one sad
Just a thin line drawn between being a genius or insane At what age begin to learn of which way out we will turn
There’s a long and winding road and the trail is there to burn There’s a thin line between love and hate
Wider divide that you can see between good and bad
There’s a grey place between black and white
But everyone does have the right to choose the path that he takes I will hope, my soul will fly, so I will live forever
Heart will die, my soul will fly, and I will live forever I will hope, my soul will fly, so I will live forever
Heart will die, my soul will fly, and I will live forever The thin line between love and hateThe thin line between love and hate
June 19th 2019, 2 days before my 39th birthday, 2 days before international yoga day and 2 days before summer solstice. It was night time I was driving back from therapy crying my eyes out as usual when I decided to break the biggest habit of my life: Feeling like shit and unworthy!
I stopped at School of Rock, got class information and adult band program information. Doing that finally felt like myself again after years of therapy. I knew what the issue was and what I needed to do, now I needed to do it. The easiest way to explain is like I was cage and now I was free and learning but I needed to learn how to fly again. That is how depression felt for me, felt like you are suffocated, or caged.
In December of 2019 I went to Sao Paulo to see my Dad, and during that visit I had some interesting conversations that all included Religion. Some conversations got heated, to a point someone said “Oh you got traumatized”, and then I said for the first time “yes, I got traumatized” which was followed by an awkward silence. I honestly I couldn’t believe it was 2019 and nothing has changed. The judgments were still there, stronger than ever, almost like is imprinted in your subconscious.
Now, I must say, I could have done what I usually did, be quiet, not say a word, and swallow my feelings. However, now I know the damage that holding it in does, and this time was different, my inner punk is awaken and ready to fight, at least put voice out there. Why? Because is not about me, is about my kids and the kind of world I want to leave for them. Plus, I not going to sell my soul. So, I broke another habit and once I went back home, we decided not to put a Christmas tree (Best holiday ever!). I mean, the 3 years we put Luke did not care about the tree. Plus, what that teaches my kids? To spend tons of money? waste time putting up and down? That Santa Clause only give kids present to the kids that can afford to buy? That only “good” kids deserve toys? I want teach my kids to listen to their hearts, trust their feelings and have good family time (staying in the now) and for that you don’t need a holiday, a tree or even a fucking reason.
The problem is not the belief itself, the problem is believing you are better because of your belief. As far as I am concerned we are all humans living by the same laws of the universe (life, death, gravity etc). I mean you can believe in whatever the hell you want, but that believe can’t harm others.
I have always believed in the force, the life force, which is something you find a lot in Yoga and Reiki, you just need to be alive to have it. This force gets more powerful with love, and love is inclusive. Punkaste is my prophecy. The punk side is totally inspired by Bad Religion, Sex Pistols, Green Day, Ramones, Pennywise, The Offspring and much more. The aste side is totally inspired by Motorhead, Iron Maiden, Slayer, Judas Priest, and more, which is teaching kids how not to sell their soul and possibly motivate others to look within and get out of the depression matrix. My punk side is picking a fight with Religion, and my aste (my sensitive side) is teaching kids about inclusion, skateboarding, and fast and loud songs. Yes, I found my why in life, I now know why I exist. I am a glitch in the matrix! Again, fuck depression let’s Rock. Oh and fuck Religion too, that is child abuse! Save our children!
Punkaste,
Rirou
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I am Rirou the Punk! 