Chapter 6: as wicked

For years I believe I was doom for a life of surfering and pain. For real, was a feeling that I couldn’t enjoy life, and if I did I would be punished. Everything that gave me joy was going to be the end of the world. Like, everything was my fault. Heavy metal thought me that the easy way out, ending life, was not an option. 

Yes, it’s true, the feeling was that I was wicked. Like in my dreams is it was always there,  demons faces saying I couldn’t enjoy life. I didn’t know what those demons were until I picked up the guitar to play at 39 years old. Not only that, it only started to make sense on my 40th birthday! That’s when I realized I was battling my own existence.

At age of 39 is when I told my wife, I wanted to be the one who stays home with the kids and learn music. Not only because I didn’t want to work. I mean I don’t want to work, because the truth I can’t have a boss. I think from all the bosses that I had, there is a very few that I didn’t say fuck off. Me out there is a menace to society. It’s true, cause I have an attitude and I know how to use it, like the guy from office space.  The scene where the guy from office space,  says fuck off and got promoted actually happened in my life a few times. Or that scene with George Costanza, when he does everything the opposite way. Anyways,  I said I want to stay home and say fuck you to the Pope and rock. I also wanted to stay home mostly because Luke is as sensitive, if not more than I am, and now Amber. She is also super sensitive. 

Scaping hell (depression) is about learning about my sensitivity and using, and as I do that I want to teach my kids how to use their strength in life, after all my sensitivity is my strength. This way the story won’t repeat itself. The crazy thing is as a sensitive person I became very angry inside due to not exploring my sensitivity,  and swallowing my feelings. Didn’t look like I was an angry person because like the movie Anger Management he says there are 2 kinds of people: the one who explodes and the one who listened quietly day after day. Well, I am/was the one who listened day after day. Felt like I was grounded for 33 years.

Hell and fire was spawned to be released and that’s when the other day I made the video of saying fuck you to the Pope. As I released all this anger in form of art I noticed that things actually started to workout in my life, and the paranoia is gone. Things are no longer heavy and the energy is flowing. Not only that, by doing this, it creates a positive effect in the people around me, my family. Maybe not the devoted catholics since my story make them uncomfortable, but it’s what they say, life begins at the end of the confort zone.

Now I planned to release my first kids song in portuguese this week, however since we are moving (we got a house, see how choosing love/joy things workout?), I decided to wait and record the video in the new house. I believe this will have a much deeper meaning. Because the reality is, on January 20th,  Saint Sebastian day the Padron of my hometown (Rio de Janeiro,  Brasil) we bought our first home. That day was when the world turned around for me, that day was the day I realized I was not doomed, and I finally found my place under the sun. Yeah, I escaped hell, and it felt like a slapt in the face of destiny. Well, maybe not a slapt, but more like a mooning to destiny. I always loved mooning LOL. 

Punkaste,

Rirou

Chapter 3: Love Rocks!

I am Rirou the Punk, and I declare December 21st 2020, The Official Punkaste Day!

During this 4 years and 6 month since Luke was born, I confirmed what I already knew it: The way out of depression is with joy and purpose. 2020 is the year where I turned 40 and also the year I connected the dots in my life, marking this a rebirth. I picked this day for many reasons, but mainly is that I was in Brazil on the winter solstice the darkest day of the year. Therefore it makes sense to do this on the darkest day of the year the place I made my home. Well, this time is the darkest day of the year but with a huge light in the sky! Coincidence?

Sarcasm apart, I did connect the dots in 2020. After, I went to that full moon drum circle where I heard about the my possible mediumship, I finally started to talk more about that in my therapy sessions. That is when my therapist told me to go talk to her friend, Leslie the Good Witch. This is when things started to get interesting. So, I went to see her and we talk over 1 hour between tarot cards, astral maps and singing bowls. After the session she gave me a copy of The Celestine Prophecy book, and said “I was guided to give this book to you”. Anyways, life got crazy and I didn’t read the book until 2020 happened.

The other day the book pop up in my mind when I was passing by the office. I mean, it caught my attention and that same day I was talking to a childhood friend, and famous psychiatrist in Brazil, about religion and spirituality. That day I explained to him what I felt in my meditations, so it was a deep conversation. 2 days later YouTube suggested me The Celestine prophecy, so I thought “I guess is time to either read or watch the movie.” Well, I pressed play and boy, the movie is exactly the feeling I described to my friend. That feeling is the same one I get with music.

Now to add to it, in one of my talks with Leslie in 2020 she told me, “I am pretty sure you are an indigo child“. Well, I knew that since 2012, so she just confirmed me. Some people claim that indigo children have a collective purpose as well as personal one. Since I have always being attracted to this exoteric world, so it was super easy to go look it up indigo child purpose on the internet. I found a few things, including exercises that helps connect the dots, and that is when I found my joy, purpose and talents. Well, one of my talents is transform kids songs into punk rock songs which leads me to the mission of building an army of punk rockers. Divine intervention?

Genius or Insane I still don’t know, all I know all this stuff really happened and made my life make sense. Also, I was born with an artistic mind. Both of them explains my sensitivity in different ways. All I know is that I have tremendous joy in listening and doing music, that is how my love comes out. I also know that when I do that I can spread that love to my family being a present husband and Dad… and Nothing Else really Matters after that! Well, it actually does matter because Love is contagious and Love rocks, and I believe in Love!

I feel like a villain, like Drew from Minions, that can transform kids songs into punk rock. The difference in cartoons is that nothing works out for the villain, when for me is the opposite, when I embraced that side of mine, I started to heal myself!

Punkaste,

Rirou

In English

In Portuguese:

Chapter 17: Satan’s work is done

As I am writing my book with Marcone, my ghostwriter, he asked me if I had any plans for Halloween in 2020, since Halloween is a big deal in the house. For example, Luke was convinced on Halloween, and one year we made Luke’s chair an x-wing and last year we were a punk rock band where Luke was the drummer. Anyways, because 2020 is 2020, we didn’t go to any parties. I posted on my social media that this year I dressed up as an asshole as I usually do, meaning I was myself for Halloween. However, I didn’t lay low and I did a little something to celebrate. However, because is 2020 I decided to wait until Friday the 13th to announce what I did on Halloween.

First I must say that in the first chapter of my book I declare war to Religion, more precisely against the Catholic church which is the based of this shit. Well, is a philosophical war because the philosophical idea of Religion comes from Religare in latin, which means reconnect god and man. However, what religion does is disconnect us from ourselves by using fear. In my case Religion made me fear the only thing that made me human, my feelings! Which feelings are my spiritually, meaning my connection with own soul. Took me years to unlearn to not fear that, to be precise 33 years. The trauma is so deep that some days to write (I do all my notes handwritten) is physically painful. Even getting the guitar some days is hard, yes hello procrastination! During my 40 day walk through of the covid-420 I connected the dots in my life, and I planned my revenge. However, I was still fearful and in doubt if I should or shouldn’t do it, but when I held Amber, my second child, that was born 4 days before Halloween 2020 the fear melted away. At that moment I knew I had to proceed with the plan. I was being blessed again and the universe was telling me that I was ready!

Therefore on October 31st of 2020 I founded a Religion, Rock-it-ology Inc, which is based on my story, The Punkaste Prophecy. But wait, don’t I claim religion is child abuse? Well, remember I am a walking contradiction and yes, Religion is child abuse no doubt. However my Religion is not the same old story because is Punk and this Religion is hardwired to self-destruct. Like in a suicidal mission, to destruct Religion itself by exploding from the inside. You see, most Religions, teach us to find answers outside ourselves, when the answers are within; is just hard as fuck to go within. It’s actually painful, but at the same time the most liberating thing you can do. Ironic, right? Its like crossing a finish line of an ironman, you are in so much pain but extremely satisfied to have finished the hardest endurance race in the planet. Perhaps, life is the ironman of the universe, and boy about ironman, pain (physical and mental) and suicidal thoughts I have a PhD!

The reality is we are all disconnected but not from God, we are disconnected from ourselves and nature. So, yeah we do need to reconnect but not with god, but with ourselves. Which in the end it means the same thing. Ha! Don’t you love irony? Anyways, all this years all I wanted was to be heard before being judged as a Pothead, Punk, or Evil. The thing is Religion push me too far, and I got mad that I wasted years of pure joy. I am not here to teach you shit, I am not your savior, I am not your guru and I am definitely not Tony Robbins. I am an asshole but an asshole that faced his own trauma to regain my soul and connect my dots in life. My only goal is to be heard, and hopefully my story will motivate you to go within, facing your trauma and reclaiming your joy.

As a triathlon coach I always lead by example, and here is the same. That is why I decided to share how I am facing my trauma and finally learning all the iron maiden songs in the guitar. It’s painful sometimes, and I still cry like a baby. Yeah, I lost count how many times I cry listen to heavy metal. However, when I do that it cleanses my soul bringing me into a realm of joy! For me is not about the money, is about my soul, that is why I the only thing I am going to sell is the book because I am paying for it the ghostwriter help me write. I needed someone to help me because sometimes is too painful. Everything else is free because I really want to motivate others to escape hell and reconnect with themselves. The truth is, if we reconnect with ourselves Religion will be gone. We just need to reconnect with ourselves. Rock-it-ology Inc is non profit organization and the profits will be directed to mental health programs, nemaline myopathy research and advocating for real food, since diet is a big topic in my book.

So, Dear Pope, Satan’s work is done and I will leave the mark of the beast so considered this a check mate, better yet: Punkaste! Satan loves you. I am not Satan, but I became his best friend, and now I am raising hell!

Rirou

“Woe to you, oh Earth and sea, for the Devil sends the Beast with wrath
Because he knows the time is short
Let him who hath understanding reckon the number of the Beast
For it is a human number, its number is six hundred and sixty six”I left alone my mind was blank
I needed time to think to get the memories from my mindWhat did I see can I believe that what I saw
That night was real and not just fantasyJust what I saw
In my old dreams were they reflections of my warped mind staring back at me’Cause in my dreams
It’s always there
The evil face that twists my mind and brings me to despair
YeahThe night was black was no use holding back
‘Cause I just had to see was someone watching me
In the mist dark figures move and twist
Was all this for real or some kind of hell
Six six six the number of the Beast
Hell and fire was spawned to be releasedTorches blazed and sacred chants were praised
As they start to cry hands held to the sky
In the night the fires burning bright
The ritual has begun Satan’s work is done
Six six six the number of the beast
Sacrifice is going on tonightThis can’t go on I must inform the law
Can this still be real or some crazy dream
But I feel drawn towards the chanting hordes
They seem to mesmerize me can’t avoid their eyes?
Six six six the number of the Beast
Six six six the one for you and meI’m coming back I will return
And I’ll possess your body and I’ll make you burn
I have the fire I have the force
I have the power to make my evil take it’s course

Chapter 14: can I play with madness?

For me hell (depression) was like this: You have 2 voices in your head, one the voice of the holy unworthiness and the other the voice of your intuitions and feelings. I learned not to express those feelings because that was either not acceptable or not normal. Now, what you do when your feelings and intuitions are correct but everyone tells you that is not. That you are wrong, and that is not acceptable. Well, you become fearful, and fear leads to anger which leads to hate. So, I started to hate myself.

I started to numb my feelings and beat myself up, with cigarettes,  alcohol,  food, and with work (workaholic with no purpose). Then I made a change, started to exercise to loose weight,  started to diet,  but then I took the addiction to the other side of the spectrum.  That is when I realized I felt the same inside even doing the so dreamed 360 degree change, which didn’t change shit. I still felt the same however, by doing a 360 degree change lead me to make the real change and find balance. That is when I brought religion into therapy and I started to go against everything I learned because I realized I was infringing my first rule in life: thou shall not be an asshole. I was being an asshole with the most important person in the world: myself. When I figure that out the unworthiness holy voice of my head became a sarcastic stand up comedian.

Now I realized I have been bully by Religion for years! Now, with bullies sometimes you have to fight back. Believe me, I have been on both side of fence. That is why I am a walking contradiction, even though my first life rule is thou shall not be an asshole, sometimes you need to be an asshole. My Dad once said “whatever you chose to be, make sure you do it with love”. Well, if I am going to be an asshole, mine as well be a good one!

If life is a game I can identify myself as the fool card in the tarot deck. He represents new begins and let’s be honest I have always been considered the fool for believing in love. But you know what? I found love it and is not what religion says it at all. Is quite the opposite, and the truth is I don’t really want to fight, I am not that kind of guy. However, I know that “God” created Rirou the Punk for a reason.

Therefore I am happy to announce that in the Next Festivus December 23rd, 2020 Rirou the Punk is coming with book (Portuguese at first) “Punkaste, escaping hell (depression)” , and Star Punks the first Rock-it-ology album. So Religion considered this a handshake, after all handshakes are just a subtle fuck you, and sometimes is the easiest thing to do is say fuck you!

Religion claims God is love, but they are not inclusive therefore cannot be love. Love is messy, is the good, the bad and the ugly. Love is real, Love is unfashion…like I said I do not put Halloween decorations in my house because my house is a freak show all year long. So yes, I found love I can honestly say I understand more about “God” then Religion ever will!

October 10th is mental health day and I am doing this for my mental health. October 12th is kids day in Brazil and I am doing this for the kids aren’t alright. Today is Monday and I am happy to say I don’t have a case of the Mondays anymore, is too much fun being alive!

Punkaste, may the punk force be with you!

Rirou

Can I play with madness?
Give me the sense to wonder
To wonder if I’m free
Give me a sense of wonder
To know I can be me
Give me the strength to hold my head up
Spit back in their face
Don’t need no key to unlock this door
Gonna break down the walls
Break out of this bad placeCan I play with madness? The prophet stared at his crystal ball
Can I play with madness? There’s no vision there at all
Can I play with madness? The prophet looked and he laughed at me, ha, he said
Can I play with madness? He said, “you’re blind, too blind to see”
Oh, said, “you’re too blind to see”, mmmI screamed aloud to the old man
I said, “don’t lie, don’t say you don’t know”
I said, “you’ll pay for this mischief”
“Ah, in this world or the next”
Oh and then he fixed me with a freezing glance
And the hell fires raged in his eyes
He said, “do you wanna know the truth, son?”
“Lord, I’ll tell you the truth”
“Your soul’s gonna burn in a lake of fire”Can I play with madness? The prophet stared at his crystal ball
Can I play with madness? There’s no vision there at all
Can I play with madness? The prophet looked and he laughed at me, ha ha, he said
Can I play with madness? He said, “you’re blind, too blind to see”
“Oh, listen to me, ” said the prophetCan I play with madness? The prophet stared at his crystal ball
Can I play with madness? There’s no vision there at all
Can I play with madness? The prophet looked and he laughed at me, ha, he said
Can I play with madness? He said, “you’re blind, too blind to see”
Can I play with madness?

Chapter 13: Sarcastic Existence

The truth is I just left hell, I mean if want a definition for depression on how it feels it probably feels like hell. It’s like you are caged in your own mind, like a maze. You can speak but nobody listen. The problem is that to find the way out you need to go into that maze. That is what I did. During my 18 ironmans I learned when you are in hell mine as well become friends with the Devil, but to do that I had to dive into the pain. Ironman for me was great because the physical pain helped me with the emotional pain and honestly what’s better than hours of training and racing to feel pain? I was a slave of pain!

During my scape from hell I spent a lot of time listening to music, all kinds of music but predominantly heavy metal and punk rock, they were my real training partner. Music was the only thing that for years made me not feel alone, until I met my wife. She never lied to me, and she believed me from day one when I said I was going to be a professional triathlete. Even having all the odds against me. She also believed me when I said I could beat depression. So. I went thru to find out the cause of my depression, I changed so much that probably feels like she married another man, however my essence was always punk. She has always supported my insanity proving that I was not alone, and loving me unconditionally.

After Luke was born I realized that was the biggest reason of my depression was existential, and who created the problem was religion. More precisely the catholic religion. During my existential crisis I realized they are all religions are the same, with the same judgments as everybody else. They all put you in a box, and try to tell you that the box is love, and everything else around you is not, even your own feelings. I mean, in all religions rock and roll is the deivls song. But how come rock and roll is bad if literally saved my soul. Not only that, it helped me scape hell. A hell that religion put me in to begging with. I mean, they don’t even stop to listen, it’s just pure judgmental and not inclusive at all. That is not love. Therefore they can’t fucking talk about love, because they infect give love a bad name.

During my meditations I started to put the dots together and I realized that I could be a prophecy because I am gifted in so many ways, by the same “God” that I was told was going to send me to hell. A friend told me once “you are the most rock and roll person I know”. So, lets translate that to I am the least holy person in the world and not worth it of “God’s love”, but Rock and Roll was always there to make sure I was not alone. I mean, is so ironically perfect, and it would be a shame if the story was not told. You know, many people say irony is the face of “God.” So, I am putting all the details in a book – Punkaste, my way out of depression, but here it is a glance of my prophecy:

  • I was born on international yoga day. Yoga means unity.
  • During my life I learned how it feels to be different, and silenced. But I also learned about fighting the odds. Odds of quit smoking is 7.2% (check), odds of becoming a professional athlete 1.5% (check), the odds of finding your soul mate in this world I have no idea, but check. The odds of fighting depression I don’t know either, but check. The odds of men that talk about love, I don’t know but I am doing.
  • Life gave me a kid that is totally different, that was born fighting the odds with a super power of turning love in people with a simple smile and loves music.
  • Life now is giving a another kid with an energy that I can’t explain. From what I know is that until week 35 she was breech and we fought the odds to turn her naturally, again after hearing doctors saying it was impossible.
  • I was gifted of being good with kids, and with the ability of reinvent kids music. I honestly made 7 songs for the album in one day, still needs improvement but the fact I can make an air guitar song into a real one is pretty cool, maybe be a stupid super power but it is one. Now why reinvent kids songs? Have you noticed how religious they are? I know better than anyone else that music can teach a lot. What better way to then teaching kids about unity and love with music?

Now, what are the odds of picking a fight with Religion? Probably pretty low but I don’t care about fighting the odds because that is the joy of life, and osho said once spirituality is joy. Being alive is too much fun and fighting the odds is what makes life fun. But why pick a fight with Religion, I would say why not? I am a trouble maker and I am fool enough to do so.

In my comedy video in Portuguese I said what I wanted Religion to do, but I realized now I want more. Here are my claims:

  • Religion to apologize for all Rock and Roll lovers. All religions need to apologize.
  • Pay for my therapy and damages of my imagine. I say 3 million is good for me and my family. Part of the $ will be used to create cartoons, music, to teach kids about unity. Also, money to build a weed farm to distribute for the people in need for medicine that deal with mental health.
  • The pope to kiss my feet and say that I am the greatest punk. (LOL)
  • And the truth about aliens 👽.

The prophecy is been written and it had began: Punkaste, the Wygands conspiracy. Because peace without a voice is not peace is fear. Maybe one day this blog will get to the Pope….(LOL)!

Punkaste,

Rirou

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