Tag: feelings

Chapter 5: More human than human

Today,  01/20/2021 is actually the day of Saint Sebastiao, the patron of Rio de Janeiro, my birth place. At first I wanted to launch my book this day, but since I realized my story is way bigger than I thought, I needed more time to finish the book. Now the idea of this blog is actually to talk about spirituality, so I decided to use the date as my first post of 2021.

The crazy thing of all of this, is that after I decided to talk about my depression,  the opportunities of making my point started to showing up at my door.  I mean, from Leo the Great answer my tweet to reading an article where the Pope says that those who are skeptical about the vaccine are suicidal denial. You can read here.

If I am completely honest,  my set back started with what the Pope said, and here it is why. I am skeptical of this vaccine. I mean, people have all the rights in the world of being skeptical with this vaccine. I am not antivax or a conspiracy guy. I am just human! But to be fair, just in my life time alone I learned about bullshit science with the tabacco industry,  with the nutrition industry,  with supplements industry,  and even with some medicine industry. My kids are vaccined, I believe they work. But this one is different in so many ways, specially because every day there is something new to the virus (unless media lies about). I am not the only skeptical, I did a poll with a few of my followers and 100% said they don’t trust this vaccine either. I just want wait a bit and see more results, until I make my decision.  No, am I not suicidal denial,  I had those thoughts before because of what you antecessor Pope said. I don’t anymore,  but I can’t help the fact that I am a sensitive man. Yeah, I am sensitive like a witch, so God save the queen!

Let’s be totally fair here, we have a big mental health crisis. Now, come out and call people suicidal denial for being skeptical, it’s not super smart in a crisis, is it? I can even say is a bit judgmental.  I mean, have you even heard the other side of the story? I think I can prove why I am skeptical. Am I right? Am I wrong?  No one knows!  Because even one of my son’s doctors said “who knows, maybe in 10 years from now we will say, that was not a good idea.” Or maybe, just maybe a few of us. A very few of us do know about it, and then the game is not monopoly. The real game is hunger games.

Right or wrong I am human,  so I would appreciate less judgment and more respect in my belief.  See, the problem is you! And no I never get offended, I just might think you are an asshole, and you don’t fuck with my feelings. Not again, because my #1 rule in my house (mind, body and soul) is the story does not repeat itself. I broke the cycle!

I am more human than human.

My name is Rirou and I want to conquer the world.

Hey brother Christian with your high and mighty errand
Your actions speak so loud I can’t hear a word you’re saying
Hey sister bleeding heart with all of your compassion
Your labors soothe the hurt but can’t assuage temptation

Hey man of science with your perfect rules of measure
Can you improve this place with the data that you gather?
Hey mother mercy can your loins bear fruit forever?
Is your fecundity a trammel or a treasure?And I want to conquer the world
Give all the idiots a brand new religion
Put an end to poverty, uncleanliness and toil
Promote equality in all of my decisions
With a quick wink of the eye
And a “God you must be joking”

Hey mister diplomat with your worldly aspirations
Did you see your children cry when you left them at the station?
Hey moral soldier you’ve got righteous proclamation
And precious tomes to fuel your pulpy conflagrations

And I want to conquer the world
Give all the idiots a brand new religion
Put an end to poverty, uncleanliness and toil
Promote equality in all of my decisionsI want to conquer the world
Expose the culprits and feed them to the children
I’ll do away with air pollution and then I’ll save the whales
We’ll have peace on earth and global communion

I want to conquer the world
I want to conquer the world
I want to conquer the world
I want to conquer the world

Punkaste,

Rirou!

0

Chapter 13: Sarcastic Existence

The truth is I just left hell, I mean if want a definition for depression on how it feels it probably feels like hell. It’s like you are caged in your own mind, like a maze. You can speak but nobody listen. The problem is that to find the way out you need to go into that maze. That is what I did. During my 18 ironmans I learned when you are in hell mine as well become friends with the Devil, but to do that I had to dive into the pain. Ironman for me was great because the physical pain helped me with the emotional pain and honestly what’s better than hours of training and racing to feel pain? I was a slave of pain!

During my scape from hell I spent a lot of time listening to music, all kinds of music but predominantly heavy metal and punk rock, they were my real training partner. Music was the only thing that for years made me not feel alone, until I met my wife. She never lied to me, and she believed me from day one when I said I was going to be a professional triathlete. Even having all the odds against me. She also believed me when I said I could beat depression. So. I went thru to find out the cause of my depression, I changed so much that probably feels like she married another man, however my essence was always punk. She has always supported my insanity proving that I was not alone, and loving me unconditionally.

After Luke was born I realized that was the biggest reason of my depression was existential, and who created the problem was religion. More precisely the catholic religion. During my existential crisis I realized they are all religions are the same, with the same judgments as everybody else. They all put you in a box, and try to tell you that the box is love, and everything else around you is not, even your own feelings. I mean, in all religions rock and roll is the deivls song. But how come rock and roll is bad if literally saved my soul. Not only that, it helped me scape hell. A hell that religion put me in to begging with. I mean, they don’t even stop to listen, it’s just pure judgmental and not inclusive at all. That is not love. Therefore they can’t fucking talk about love, because they infect give love a bad name.

During my meditations I started to put the dots together and I realized that I could be a prophecy because I am gifted in so many ways, by the same “God” that I was told was going to send me to hell. A friend told me once “you are the most rock and roll person I know”. So, lets translate that to I am the least holy person in the world and not worth it of “God’s love”, but Rock and Roll was always there to make sure I was not alone. I mean, is so ironically perfect, and it would be a shame if the story was not told. You know, many people say irony is the face of “God.” So, I am putting all the details in a book – Punkaste, my way out of depression, but here it is a glance of my prophecy:

  • I was born on international yoga day. Yoga means unity.
  • During my life I learned how it feels to be different, and silenced. But I also learned about fighting the odds. Odds of quit smoking is 7.2% (check), odds of becoming a professional athlete 1.5% (check), the odds of finding your soul mate in this world I have no idea, but check. The odds of fighting depression I don’t know either, but check. The odds of men that talk about love, I don’t know but I am doing.
  • Life gave me a kid that is totally different, that was born fighting the odds with a super power of turning love in people with a simple smile and loves music.
  • Life now is giving a another kid with an energy that I can’t explain. From what I know is that until week 35 she was breech and we fought the odds to turn her naturally, again after hearing doctors saying it was impossible.
  • I was gifted of being good with kids, and with the ability of reinvent kids music. I honestly made 7 songs for the album in one day, still needs improvement but the fact I can make an air guitar song into a real one is pretty cool, maybe be a stupid super power but it is one. Now why reinvent kids songs? Have you noticed how religious they are? I know better than anyone else that music can teach a lot. What better way to then teaching kids about unity and love with music?

Now, what are the odds of picking a fight with Religion? Probably pretty low but I don’t care about fighting the odds because that is the joy of life, and osho said once spirituality is joy. Being alive is too much fun and fighting the odds is what makes life fun. But why pick a fight with Religion, I would say why not? I am a trouble maker and I am fool enough to do so.

In my comedy video in Portuguese I said what I wanted Religion to do, but I realized now I want more. Here are my claims:

  • Religion to apologize for all Rock and Roll lovers. All religions need to apologize.
  • Pay for my therapy and damages of my imagine. I say 3 million is good for me and my family. Part of the $ will be used to create cartoons, music, to teach kids about unity. Also, money to build a weed farm to distribute for the people in need for medicine that deal with mental health.
  • The pope to kiss my feet and say that I am the greatest punk. (LOL)
  • And the truth about aliens 👽.

The prophecy is been written and it had began: Punkaste, the Wygands conspiracy. Because peace without a voice is not peace is fear. Maybe one day this blog will get to the Pope….(LOL)!

Punkaste,

Rirou

0

Chapter 12: the thin line between love and hate.

I must confess I am loving 2020 because my life started to make sense, and as I said I found my why. I always believed in crisis, I mean crisis bring the best out of us. Because there is no way around it, you have to face it in order to survive. That is why I truly believe crisis brings in the best in us, we have to change, there is no escape.

During my healing process that includes lots of music, skateboarding, singing, guitar/bass playing and my monthly therapy sessions I realized that Religion is the biggest bully of all times at least with me. That is what my book is really about. I love the topic spirituality/existance but I hate religion because put most people in a box, a depressive box of unworthiness. That why for me in that topic there is a thin line between love and hate. Spirituality is about love and unity, however what religion teaches is hate and separation. Unfortunately I never had a chance to say my side of the story, I was shut off by Religion and that cause me a great amount of pain and anger.

Now, did you know that my best iron man ever was racing with anger released in a positive way. That was the race I did against my brothers. I love them but I hate the fact that I was smaller and got beat up all the time. However, in an ironman race we are all equal, and that day my goal was simple: to beat them in the race with as much as spare time as possible. Yeah, I used all my anger to a good thing, to have the performance of my life, a performance that made my career boom as an athlete and coach. What’s best is that was during the race and nobody got hurt, well maybe egos got hurt,but that is ok. I felt relief but took me awhile to understand why that was my best race.

Now when it comes to religion I have been bully for 40 years, I tried many times to approach and have conversations. Real deep meaningful conversations, but I was never received with an open heart. Which sounds crazy, because it should be the opposite. Up to 2020 I had hopes in 2 Religions, not to join but to listen. The 1st was spirtism and the 2nd new age type of thing. However 2020 showed me different again. Around June 2020, in an instagram live where it was a new age subject I said something about rock and roll I was received with an really weird vibe. A judgmental one, so I was ok, for that reason I am out. Then yesterday I made a comment in a famous YouTube channel about spiritism, and I was received the same way, with the same judgmental vibe. It was weird because in both times I came from a loving place being true to myself, making a true statement and in a polite manner. Once again I was received in a judgmental way.

One thing I learned is that with bullies you have to fight back, but in a smart way. Religion have been bullying me for years. They didn’t even stop to hear me, they took my voice and I got in trouble for it. Now I need to make my voice heard for my own healing and for that I am telling my story, a book that Religion will try to burn. Now what do I do with all that anger built? Do the same thing that I did in the ironman against my brothers, use my anger to build good. That is when Rock-it-ology was born.

The name Rock-it-ology came from the song Rock-it from Motörhead. The lyrics says it all, Rock and Roll saved my soul and Lemmy’s got it. Inspired on that was what made want to share the story and use my anger to something good and since life is like an ironman race. I will let it out in this life, cause I am not carring this for the next one. What you do in this life echoes in the eternity so I will fight the evil forces of religion, and remind kids about unity (love). Think about it, I will leave an story with true conisidences, like a prophecy, with music to wake up the inner child feeling (inner punk). This way just like in this iron maiden song, when is my time to go heart will die and my soul will fly forever. Truth is you can burn a book but you can’t shut a thinking mind. Genius or insane? I now think I am a genius, or I am the fallen angel and I am here accomplishing my mission.

Now is a matter of time, of Religion going down, I mean kids just need to be remmeber of who they are and what they came here for. They will shape the world the way they want too and kids are naturally born punks. Like I said is not about me, is about my kids and the world I am leaving for them. I won’t lie the older you get are harder it is due the baggage, but it’s possible. You just need to be willing to get out of the matrix. Meanwhile I will keep fighting back because I won’t sell my soul. The truth is the more I do it, the better and more loving Dad I become, because heals me and allow me to fully presents with my kids and less time between the walls of unworthiness.

They will shape the world the way they want too and kids are naturally born punks. Like I said is not about me, is about my kids and the world I am leaving for them.

For me it all make sense now, is all about Roots and Attitude (thanks Sepultura). The roots here are going within, however going within means going to your darkness and that is painful as fuck, but very rewarding. Attitude is punk, meaning facing your demons. Just remember light needs darkness to shine, is all connected and its all about balance!

Punkaste,

Rirou

One of my favorite songs from Motorhead

When a person turns to wrong, is it a want to be, belong?
Part of things at any cost, at what price a life is lost At what point do we begin, fighter spirit a will to win
But what makes a man decide, take the wrong or righteous road There’s a thin line between love and hate
Wider divide that you can see between good and bad
There’s a grey place between black and white
But everyone does have the right to choose the path that he takes We all like to put the blame on society these days
But what kind of good or bad a new generation brings Sometimes take just more than that to survive be good at heart
There is evil in some of us no matter what will never change I will hope, my soul will fly, so I will live forever
Heart will die, my soul will fly, and I will live forever Just a few small tears between someone happy and one sad
Just a thin line drawn between being a genius or insane At what age begin to learn of which way out we will turn
There’s a long and winding road and the trail is there to burn There’s a thin line between love and hate
Wider divide that you can see between good and bad
There’s a grey place between black and white
But everyone does have the right to choose the path that he takes I will hope, my soul will fly, so I will live forever
Heart will die, my soul will fly, and I will live forever I will hope, my soul will fly, so I will live forever
Heart will die, my soul will fly, and I will live forever The thin line between love and hateThe thin line between love and hate

0

Chapter 11: Never mind the bollocks!

June 19th 2019, 2 days before my 39th birthday, 2 days before international yoga day and 2 days before summer solstice. It was night time I was driving back from therapy crying my eyes out as usual when I decided to break the biggest habit of my life: Feeling like shit and unworthy!

I stopped at School of Rock, got class information and adult band program information. Doing that finally felt like myself again after years of therapy. I knew what the issue was and what I needed to do, now I needed to do it. The easiest way to explain is like I was cage and now I was free and learning but I needed to learn how to fly again. That is how depression felt for me, felt like you are suffocated, or caged.

In December of 2019 I went to Sao Paulo to see my Dad, and during that visit I had some interesting conversations that all included Religion. Some conversations got heated, to a point someone said “Oh you got traumatized”, and then I said for the first time “yes, I got traumatized” which was followed by an awkward silence. I honestly I couldn’t believe it was 2019 and nothing has changed. The judgments were still there, stronger than ever, almost like is imprinted in your subconscious.

Now, I must say, I could have done what I usually did, be quiet, not say a word, and swallow my feelings. However, now I know the damage that holding it in does, and this time was different, my inner punk is awaken and ready to fight, at least put voice out there. Why? Because is not about me, is about my kids and the kind of world I want to leave for them. Plus, I not going to sell my soul. So, I broke another habit and once I went back home, we decided not to put a Christmas tree (Best holiday ever!). I mean, the 3 years we put Luke did not care about the tree. Plus, what that teaches my kids? To spend tons of money? waste time putting up and down? That Santa Clause only give kids present to the kids that can afford to buy? That only “good” kids deserve toys? I want teach my kids to listen to their hearts, trust their feelings and have good family time (staying in the now) and for that you don’t need a holiday, a tree or even a fucking reason.

The problem is not the belief itself, the problem is believing you are better because of your belief. As far as I am concerned we are all humans living by the same laws of the universe (life, death, gravity etc). I mean you can believe in whatever the hell you want, but that believe can’t harm others.

I have always believed in the force, the life force, which is something you find a lot in Yoga and Reiki, you just need to be alive to have it. This force gets more powerful with love, and love is inclusive. Punkaste is my prophecy. The punk side is totally inspired by Bad Religion, Sex Pistols, Green Day, Ramones, Pennywise, The Offspring and much more. The aste side is totally inspired by Motorhead, Iron Maiden, Slayer, Judas Priest, and more, which is teaching kids how not to sell their soul and possibly motivate others to look within and get out of the depression matrix. My punk side is picking a fight with Religion, and my aste (my sensitive side) is teaching kids about inclusion, skateboarding, and fast and loud songs. Yes, I found my why in life, I now know why I exist. I am a glitch in the matrix! Again, fuck depression let’s Rock. Oh and fuck Religion too, that is child abuse! Save our children!

Punkaste,

Rirou

Check out the new videos:

This song was the song that I learned about punk rock back in 1995. A very special song that helped me a lot during that time.
First skateboarding lesson for kids!
I am yoga book by Susan Verde
0

Chapter 8: God hate us all!

I should have said long time ago. I have been holding for 33 years, well maybe more since I was baptize without consent at 3 months old, and that cause me a lot of issues. But it’s 2020 and mars is in retrograde, what better time then now to put it all out? I mean, mars the God of war, what better time than pick a war with Religion? Time is here, the time is now!

Now, let’s go to the by parts. I heard my entire life, that I was going to hell for listening to metal/punk rock. Yes, even in 2020 I heard it. Anyways, I have always loved the sound of a distorted guitar, since a very young age. Something that started when I was around 3 years old when I fell in love with iron maiden. After that my story with Religion and their so called God just started to get really complicated. I got angry because I loved the music, however according to them my LOVE for music was going to gonna make my soul burn for eternity.

On top of that I was having trouble emotionally, the old story of “Boys don’t cry”, and as I kid I cried a lot, until I learned to not show my emotions, around 7 years old. Well that became a perfect mind fuck because I simply stopped expressing them and became numb. For years, I debated my own existence. I have had many suicidal thoughts, I hit myself in the head many times, but the “devils music” was the only thing that kept me going. I can honestly say that my LOVE for music is the reason I am here today writing this blog post. I mean, the shit is deep but so deep that I am finally putting into a book, me and my ghost writer.

Now, how come something that brings joy and love to someone to a point that can save his life, can be evil? At the same time, how can something that is suppose to be about love, unity as what Religion claims as God is, can so exclusive and conditional? Makes no sense to me, at least now that I am 40 years old with a child and a second one coming and 16 years of therapy. But my inner child did not know that. He believed in the grown ups, that were telling him that hell was waiting for me.

I believe in love and unity after all we are all humans and we all have to obey by the law of the universe. Yeah, love is love but I must say I draw the line on pedophilia, that is pure evil. Which by the way is Religion biggest talent. Now, my son likes AC/DC as well and he loves fast and loud songs and to add he has a wheelchair: What that has to do with this? Simple, Religious buildings are not require follow ADA laws, meaning besides not paying taxes they do not need to accessible. That is not love, that is hate and separation.

You may say I am the devil, I wouldn’t say no. However, I am not the enemy, and no I am not the anti-Christ, and if you asked me I would say that he existed, and probably was one of the greatest punk. Some theories says he used cannabis oil to make some of his miracles which makes even more punk. He knew it about love, so did Buddha and many others. However, they are not here to fix this shit.

My inner kid learned to suppress his emotions and after a lot of work to unlearn that, now is time to heal my inner child. My healing is to play and sing all my “Religious” song, create punk rock song for kids, and use the devils lettuce (marijuana) to help my healing. Because I don’t want to be angry anymore, neither pass this to my kids, the cycle needs to break. Like I heard before “Trauma is not my fault, however healing is your responsibility.” That is why in “Punkaste TV” is where my inner child plays my favorite Religious songs but now the air guitar is a real one! Like I said before, if I am going to hell mine as well be first class!

By the way, Religion owes me around 50000 for therapy, but is not about money. It’s about my soul, and protecting my children from child abuse.

Punkaste,

Rirou

Chapter tittle inspired by Slayer album “God hates us all” and here is my favorite song from that album and the lyrics.

Drones since the dawn of time
Compelled to live your sheltered lives
Not once has anyone ever seen
Such a rise of pure hypocrisy
I’ll instigate I’ll free your mind
I’ll show you what I’ve known all this time God hates us all, God hates us all
You know it’s true God hates this place
You know it’s true he hates this race Homicide-suicide
Hate heals, you should try it sometime
Strive for peace with acts of war
The beauty of death we all adore
I have no faith distracting me
I know why your prayers will never be answeredGod hates us all, God hates us all
God hates us all, God hates us all
Yeah, he fuckin’ hates me

Pessimist, terrorist targeting the next mark
Global chaos feeding on hysteria
Cut throat, slit your wrist, shoot you in the back fair game
Drug abuse, self abuse searching for the next high
Sounds a lot like hell is spreading all the time
I’m waiting for the day the whole world fucking diesI never said I wanted to be God’s disciple
I’ll never be the one to blindly follow

Man made virus infecting the world
Self-destruct human time bomb
What if there is no God would you think the fuckin’ same
Wasting your life in a leap of blind faith
Wake the fuck up can’t ignore what I say
I got my own philosophyI hate everyone equally
You can’t tear that out of me
No segregation separation
Just me in my world of enemies

I never said I wanted to be God’s disciple
I’ll never be the one to blindly follow
I’ll never be the one to bear the cross-disciple

I reject this fuckin’ race
I despise this fuckin’ placeI reject this fuckin’ race
I despise this fuckin’ placeI reject this fuckin’ race
I despise this fuckin’ placeI reject this fuckin’ race
I despise this fuckin’ place

0

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑