Tag: hell

Chapter 2: Revelations

Before we got pregnant with Luke, my wife and I talked about my depression and I knew it I had to get my shit together. On that time, I already had a feeling my depression was related to my spirituality. Well, I think most depressions are related to spirituality. I know mine is and many other people as well.

After Luke was born he woke me up. I mean he brought back all my sensitivity. I do believe he has a power to turn on Love on people, I have seen so many times. Anyways, once he was born I started to look for answers, so one day I knew it I had to go to a full moon drum circle there was happenning near my house. There, I met Tecia one of the most spiritual persons I know, also a punk rocker and she was the ritual organizer. Nothing was planned, I just knew I had to go, when I got there for my surprise my friend Rafa was there. Rafa and I have shared many punk rock concerts, a few joints and a few good talks about existence.

After the circle I was talking to Tecia, and she looked to me and said “you are a medium”, and in my mind I was; “whatever!”. After that, life got a little crazier and we moved to Colorado. Once we moved here, I was struggling a bit with work and what to do with my life. I tried to go back to school but that was making it worst. One day talking to my wife, she said “the issue is you think you are over your depression but you are not”. She was right.

A few weeks later Slayer was playing the final tour here in Denver. Since I have always wanted to see Slayer live, I couldn’t miss the opportunity. It was also full moon that day, and during that concert I had one of the most spiritual experiences of my life. The energy was super strong and I was like, how? How is possible? I always heard Slayer was one of the most “evil” bands of all times. How was making me feel that good and giving me that many insights. Well, that night after the concert I finally unpack my guitar. But I also, felt that I needed to repeat what was echoing in my mind. Wait, what? Repeating what was echoing in my mind, meaning voices? Than I said, I need therapy!

I restarted therapy and that is when I started organizing Rock-it-ology listening to those words echoing in my mind. 2020 came along and I started connecting the dots, I finally stopped to listen to my inner voice. Being away from people was a good thing. That is when I realized I was in fact I am medium, a seed planted by a punk rocker back in 2016. A punk medium, but a medium. Well, if I am a medium this is definitely divine intervention. The crazy part is that by telling my story, my truth it does pick a fight with Religion because I was judge by day 1 for being different. The thing is if I don’t say it, of if I don’t write it I get angry, frustrated and a shitty old man and I don’t want to be like that. Especially around my sensitivite kids.

There are 2 things I want to teach my kids: one is to accept themselves, and two is to love themselves for who they are. Well, in oder to do that I need to accept myself, and accepting myself is about accepting my love for music, for the guitar and my sensitivity.

Bottom line is if you want to change, you need to face your fears, and love yourself. Depression is about waking up for love, and love is the absent of judgement. In order to understand that we must stop and listen to our inner voice. How? With meditation! Now, there are many forms of meditation, which one of them is listening music and also skateboarding. The truth is in order to love someone you need to love yourself, cause you can’t pour from an empty cup.

For me the way out of depression it is an inner child revolution. Now how excited I was to watch Slayer live? Like a child! Even my wife was like, what the hell is wrong with you today? Wanna proof?Check out the video I made going to the concert, a video that I never post even though I really wanted to, but I was afraid. Going to that concert really tapped into my innerchild. Do you know what it’s cool of all of this? The idea or facing my fear and learning the guitar came when I was building Luke’s room and listening to Iron Maiden Piece of mind album. In fact, in my first email for Luke during the pregnancy I sent him the link of the album on YouTube.

Punkaste,

Rirou

“Oh, God of Earth and Altar
Bow down and hear our cry
Our earthly rulers falter
Our people drift and die
The walls of gold entomb us
The swords of scorn divide
Take not thy thunder from us
Take away our pride” Just a babe in a black abyss
No reason for a place like this
The walls are cold and souls cry out in pain
An easy way for the blind to go
A clever path for the fools who know
The secret of the Hanged Man, the smile on his lips The light of the blind
You’ll see
The venom tears my spine
The Eyes of the Nile are opening
You’ll see She came to me with a serpent’s kiss
As the Eye of the Sun rose on her lips
Moonlight catches silver tears I cry
So we lay in a black embrace
And the seed is sown in a holy place
And I watched, and I waited for the dawnThe light of the blind
You’ll see
The venom that tears my spine
The Eyes of the Nile are opening
You’ll seeGoBind all of us together
Ablaze with hope and free
No storm or heavy weather
Will rock the boat you’ll see
The time has come to close your eyes
And still the wind and rain
For the one who will be king
Is the watcher in the ringIt is You, oh
It is You

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Chapter 17: Satan’s work is done

As I am writing my book with Marcone, my ghostwriter, he asked me if I had any plans for Halloween in 2020, since Halloween is a big deal in the house. For example, Luke was convinced on Halloween, and one year we made Luke’s chair an x-wing and last year we were a punk rock band where Luke was the drummer. Anyways, because 2020 is 2020, we didn’t go to any parties. I posted on my social media that this year I dressed up as an asshole as I usually do, meaning I was myself for Halloween. However, I didn’t lay low and I did a little something to celebrate. However, because is 2020 I decided to wait until Friday the 13th to announce what I did on Halloween.

First I must say that in the first chapter of my book I declare war to Religion, more precisely against the Catholic church which is the based of this shit. Well, is a philosophical war because the philosophical idea of Religion comes from Religare in latin, which means reconnect god and man. However, what religion does is disconnect us from ourselves by using fear. In my case Religion made me fear the only thing that made me human, my feelings! Which feelings are my spiritually, meaning my connection with own soul. Took me years to unlearn to not fear that, to be precise 33 years. The trauma is so deep that some days to write (I do all my notes handwritten) is physically painful. Even getting the guitar some days is hard, yes hello procrastination! During my 40 day walk through of the covid-420 I connected the dots in my life, and I planned my revenge. However, I was still fearful and in doubt if I should or shouldn’t do it, but when I held Amber, my second child, that was born 4 days before Halloween 2020 the fear melted away. At that moment I knew I had to proceed with the plan. I was being blessed again and the universe was telling me that I was ready!

Therefore on October 31st of 2020 I founded a Religion, Rock-it-ology Inc, which is based on my story, The Punkaste Prophecy. But wait, don’t I claim religion is child abuse? Well, remember I am a walking contradiction and yes, Religion is child abuse no doubt. However my Religion is not the same old story because is Punk and this Religion is hardwired to self-destruct. Like in a suicidal mission, to destruct Religion itself by exploding from the inside. You see, most Religions, teach us to find answers outside ourselves, when the answers are within; is just hard as fuck to go within. It’s actually painful, but at the same time the most liberating thing you can do. Ironic, right? Its like crossing a finish line of an ironman, you are in so much pain but extremely satisfied to have finished the hardest endurance race in the planet. Perhaps, life is the ironman of the universe, and boy about ironman, pain (physical and mental) and suicidal thoughts I have a PhD!

The reality is we are all disconnected but not from God, we are disconnected from ourselves and nature. So, yeah we do need to reconnect but not with god, but with ourselves. Which in the end it means the same thing. Ha! Don’t you love irony? Anyways, all this years all I wanted was to be heard before being judged as a Pothead, Punk, or Evil. The thing is Religion push me too far, and I got mad that I wasted years of pure joy. I am not here to teach you shit, I am not your savior, I am not your guru and I am definitely not Tony Robbins. I am an asshole but an asshole that faced his own trauma to regain my soul and connect my dots in life. My only goal is to be heard, and hopefully my story will motivate you to go within, facing your trauma and reclaiming your joy.

As a triathlon coach I always lead by example, and here is the same. That is why I decided to share how I am facing my trauma and finally learning all the iron maiden songs in the guitar. It’s painful sometimes, and I still cry like a baby. Yeah, I lost count how many times I cry listen to heavy metal. However, when I do that it cleanses my soul bringing me into a realm of joy! For me is not about the money, is about my soul, that is why I the only thing I am going to sell is the book because I am paying for it the ghostwriter help me write. I needed someone to help me because sometimes is too painful. Everything else is free because I really want to motivate others to escape hell and reconnect with themselves. The truth is, if we reconnect with ourselves Religion will be gone. We just need to reconnect with ourselves. Rock-it-ology Inc is non profit organization and the profits will be directed to mental health programs, nemaline myopathy research and advocating for real food, since diet is a big topic in my book.

So, Dear Pope, Satan’s work is done and I will leave the mark of the beast so considered this a check mate, better yet: Punkaste! Satan loves you. I am not Satan, but I became his best friend, and now I am raising hell!

www.rock-it-ology.com

Rirou

“Woe to you, oh Earth and sea, for the Devil sends the Beast with wrath
Because he knows the time is short
Let him who hath understanding reckon the number of the Beast
For it is a human number, its number is six hundred and sixty six”I left alone my mind was blank
I needed time to think to get the memories from my mindWhat did I see can I believe that what I saw
That night was real and not just fantasyJust what I saw
In my old dreams were they reflections of my warped mind staring back at me’Cause in my dreams
It’s always there
The evil face that twists my mind and brings me to despair
YeahThe night was black was no use holding back
‘Cause I just had to see was someone watching me
In the mist dark figures move and twist
Was all this for real or some kind of hell
Six six six the number of the Beast
Hell and fire was spawned to be releasedTorches blazed and sacred chants were praised
As they start to cry hands held to the sky
In the night the fires burning bright
The ritual has begun Satan’s work is done
Six six six the number of the beast
Sacrifice is going on tonightThis can’t go on I must inform the law
Can this still be real or some crazy dream
But I feel drawn towards the chanting hordes
They seem to mesmerize me can’t avoid their eyes?
Six six six the number of the Beast
Six six six the one for you and meI’m coming back I will return
And I’ll possess your body and I’ll make you burn
I have the fire I have the force
I have the power to make my evil take it’s course

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Chapter 15: Wildest Dream

This chapter is more like an open letter to my kids an idea that I got from my athlete, the guy who did the solo ironman. Which by the way, he did another one, can you believe it? That is pretty wild right? 3 ironmans in one year with 2 being solo. As his coach I told him, that is wild so let’s do it, because life is about following your dreams!

Back in at the of 2003 when I had my first real crisis I stopped to ask myself: what life was all about? That is when I heard the iron maiden song Wildest Dream. That was like a whisper in my ears like this “Joy is your birth right”. But what was my joy? I was so numb that I didn’t even know what my joy was, but I knew one thing, as a kid I wanted to be a professional athlete. Everyone told me it was impossible because I had no talent as a kid. And now, I was 260 pounds, drinking daily, and smoking 2 packs of cigarettes a day. Would that be even possible to pursue such an wild dream? Well, I thought so.

That is when I felt in love with ironman and decided to pursue a kids dream. For me was more about the journey of becoming a pro athelte than actually winning. Yes I wanted to win, but that was not the main goal. The main goal was to find my joy in life, specially because I was not willing to do everything to win, such as drugs or drafting in a race. My thought was if I ever win anything needed to be clean. During my ironman years I started to question a lot of things, after all do you want a better therapy of hours and hours of exercise just you and yourself? Add metal and punk rock to the mix and we have the closest thing to a perfect therapy.

After awhile doing ironman and also doing therapy I started to find my real joy. I realized I had more kids dreams to fulfill and those dreams were much much deeper in my soul, because that I had to face a much bigger demon. As I learned in my ironmans, and told all my athletes, you need to face your demons. I also learned in my own experience that when you are in hell become friends with the devil, and that is what I did.

After 18 ironmans I realized it was time to move forward. When I asked my therapist what innerchild had to do with depression and she answered “everything “. I didn’t think twice, I knew it was time to complete heal my innerchild. It was time to pursue my other kids dreams which consist in:

  • Learn how to play all iron maiden songs in the guitar.
  • Learn how to sing.
  • Have my own talk show.
  • Write a book of my story.
  • Have a blog related to music.

For me was never about fame or money, was always about happiness. Happiness is about pursing a dream and following your heart. That day in 2003 I just choose to make a change towards my happiness. Success for me is about exceeding your own limitations, is going above of what you thought it was possible. You can shoot for the moon because if you miss you will land in the stars.

For me being a punk is about following your dreams, and choosing happiness over the same old story. After all joy is our birth right. In numerology 666 simply means:

666 the number of the beast for me is the greatest song ever created in human history, that’s why I starting with this one.

All that being said, what I want to teach my kids and hopefully other kids through music is to follow their dreams; and to choose love over fear.

Punkaste,

Rirou!

I’m gonna organize some changes in my life,
I’m gonna exorcise the demons of my past,
I’m gonna take the car and hit the open road,
I’m feeling ready to just open up and go And I just feel like I can be anything,
that I might ever wish to be,
and fantasize just what I want to to be,
make my wildest dreams come true I’m on my way.
Out on my own again I’m on my way out on the road again, When I remember back to how that things used to be,
and I was stuck inside a shroud of misery I felt I disappeared so deep inside my self
I couldn’t find a way to break away the hell When I’m feeling down and low,
I vow I’ll never be the same again,
I just remember what I am, and visualize what I’m gonna be, I’m on my way. Out on my own again,
I’m on my way, I’m gonna break away, I’m gonna break away, I’m out on my own,
I’m out on my own, gonna break away, breaking away, I’m on my way, out my own again,
I’m on my way, out on the road again, I’m on my way, out on my own again,
I’m on my way, I’m gonna break away,

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Chapter 14: can I play with madness?

For me hell (depression) was like this: You have 2 voices in your head, one the voice of the holy unworthiness and the other the voice of your intuitions and feelings. I learned not to express those feelings because that was either not acceptable or not normal. Now, what you do when your feelings and intuitions are correct but everyone tells you that is not. That you are wrong, and that is not acceptable. Well, you become fearful, and fear leads to anger which leads to hate. So, I started to hate myself.

I started to numb my feelings and beat myself up, with cigarettes,  alcohol,  food, and with work (workaholic with no purpose). Then I made a change, started to exercise to loose weight,  started to diet,  but then I took the addiction to the other side of the spectrum.  That is when I realized I felt the same inside even doing the so dreamed 360 degree change, which didn’t change shit. I still felt the same however, by doing a 360 degree change lead me to make the real change and find balance. That is when I brought religion into therapy and I started to go against everything I learned because I realized I was infringing my first rule in life: thou shall not be an asshole. I was being an asshole with the most important person in the world: myself. When I figure that out the unworthiness holy voice of my head became a sarcastic stand up comedian.

Now I realized I have been bully by Religion for years! Now, with bullies sometimes you have to fight back. Believe me, I have been on both side of fence. That is why I am a walking contradiction, even though my first life rule is thou shall not be an asshole, sometimes you need to be an asshole. My Dad once said “whatever you chose to be, make sure you do it with love”. Well, if I am going to be an asshole, mine as well be a good one!

If life is a game I can identify myself as the fool card in the tarot deck. He represents new begins and let’s be honest I have always been considered the fool for believing in love. But you know what? I found love it and is not what religion says it at all. Is quite the opposite, and the truth is I don’t really want to fight, I am not that kind of guy. However, I know that “God” created Rirou the Punk for a reason.

Therefore I am happy to announce that in the Next Festivus December 23rd, 2020 Rirou the Punk is coming with book (Portuguese at first) “Punkaste, escaping hell (depression)” , and Star Punks the first Rock-it-ology album. So Religion considered this a handshake, after all handshakes are just a subtle fuck you, and sometimes is the easiest thing to do is say fuck you!

Religion claims God is love, but they are not inclusive therefore cannot be love. Love is messy, is the good, the bad and the ugly. Love is real, Love is unfashion…like I said I do not put Halloween decorations in my house because my house is a freak show all year long. So yes, I found love I can honestly say I understand more about “God” then Religion ever will!

October 10th is mental health day and I am doing this for my mental health. October 12th is kids day in Brazil and I am doing this for the kids aren’t alright. Today is Monday and I am happy to say I don’t have a case of the Mondays anymore, is too much fun being alive!

Punkaste, may the punk force be with you!

Rirou

Can I play with madness?
Give me the sense to wonder
To wonder if I’m free
Give me a sense of wonder
To know I can be me
Give me the strength to hold my head up
Spit back in their face
Don’t need no key to unlock this door
Gonna break down the walls
Break out of this bad placeCan I play with madness? The prophet stared at his crystal ball
Can I play with madness? There’s no vision there at all
Can I play with madness? The prophet looked and he laughed at me, ha, he said
Can I play with madness? He said, “you’re blind, too blind to see”
Oh, said, “you’re too blind to see”, mmmI screamed aloud to the old man
I said, “don’t lie, don’t say you don’t know”
I said, “you’ll pay for this mischief”
“Ah, in this world or the next”
Oh and then he fixed me with a freezing glance
And the hell fires raged in his eyes
He said, “do you wanna know the truth, son?”
“Lord, I’ll tell you the truth”
“Your soul’s gonna burn in a lake of fire”Can I play with madness? The prophet stared at his crystal ball
Can I play with madness? There’s no vision there at all
Can I play with madness? The prophet looked and he laughed at me, ha ha, he said
Can I play with madness? He said, “you’re blind, too blind to see”
“Oh, listen to me, ” said the prophetCan I play with madness? The prophet stared at his crystal ball
Can I play with madness? There’s no vision there at all
Can I play with madness? The prophet looked and he laughed at me, ha, he said
Can I play with madness? He said, “you’re blind, too blind to see”
Can I play with madness?

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Chapter 10: Now what?

Do you know the greatest difficulty of depression? Is to be seen. When I first starting doing therapy I didn’t know how big of a shit I was in. I knew it was big, but no idea it was that big. That is what she said by the way.

Here is the thing, what makes us humans is our emotions and our ability to feel it and express. When I first started therapy I knew something was wrong, and hearing that I was depressed meant nothing, because I was emotionally numb. Therefore, I need to learn how to feel and learn my emotions again. Once I did that I started to understand how big the shit was.

Once I accepted that I was depressed I realized that it was about my existence, my feelings. Just like the song walking contradiction; “I have no belief but I believe I am walking contradiction and I have no right.” That is how it felt, like I had no right to feel how I felt, not even if was causing me harm. Now what makes it harder is when you finally accept and tell people you were depressed most people think is bullshit. They think that because is something invisible and in my case I was a good actor pretending everything was fine. Kind of like on that movie Anger Management with Adam Sandler.

Now the opposite of Anger is Joy and there is nothing more fun than learn and play these songs. I believe that feelings are our super power as humans, because they guide us and life is how you feel. So, now that I got my power back I can say “Don’t fuck with my feelings”. Learning how to sing, play, write (blog and book), write punk songs for kids is such a big metaphor for me, like I am gaining really gaining my super powers back (voice). That feels really good, like I can finally love myself and rise out of the depression that I was in for a long time. Like the Religious heaven boring and all the same and what is worst, in a bad neighborhood since you need to go through the gates of heaven.

Now is time to raise hell because isn’t a bad place, and now that I got my power back nobody messes with my feelings, neither with my kids feelings. Not even God (per Religion), because the truth is people might never understand how music makes me feel, the same way on how marijuana doesn’t numb my feelings it just amplifies, the same way music does. Now, I don’t give a shit of what people think. However, I do care about children that is why is important to teach them not to sell their soul.

Punkaste,

Rirou

Listen up here, I’ll make it quite clear
I’m gonna put some boogie in your ear
Shake and bop, don’t you stop
Dance like a maniac until you drop I don’t mind, I don’t mind
I can run a razor right up your spine
What are you waiting for?
What do you think you were created for? Show us, you care, show us you dare
You don’t know what happened if you weren’t there Born to raise hell, born to raise hell
We know how to do it and we do it real well
Born to raise hell, born to raise hell
Voodoo medicine, cast my spell
Born to raise hell, born to raise hell
Play that guitar just like ringin’ a bell Take it or leave it Going for broke, rock ’til you choke
It don’t matter if you drink or smoke
Speak through the beat, get up on your feet
Sweating like a hound dog, white as a sheetDon’t you be scared, don’t you be scared
Everybody terrified, it don’t seem fair
What are you waiting for?
What do you think you were creating for Out of your seat, blind in the heat
Do the nasty boogie mama, stomp your feet Born to raise hell, born to raise hell
We know how to do it and we do it real well
Born to raise hell, born to raise hell
Go back to zero, take a pill and get well
Born to raise hell, born to raise hell
Be a good soldier and die where you fell Born to raise hell, born to raise hell
We know how to do it and we do it real well
Born to raise hell, born to raise hell
Go on out and boogie ’cause you never can tell Born to raise hell, born to raise hell
Be a good soldier and die where you fell
Born to raise hell, born to raise hell
We know how to do it and we do it real well

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