Life is not about waiting the storm to pass, neither learning how to dance in the rain. Life is about realizing you are the storm. Once you realize you are the storm you will be able to connect the dots in your life. As I explain in this blog before I had a lot of traumas that led me to depression. Trauma is real, and not our fault but I believe is our duty to heal.
The truth is I have always been sensitive, and as a child I was severely sensitive. I mean I felt the whole thing, I can feel people and places energy; I have an insane amount of deja-vus; I have dreams that came into reality and an intuition that goes beyond what I can explain. I also have always been attracted to esoteric stuff since an early age. At a very young age I was thought quickly that boys didn’t cry and that the music that made me feel good, was evil. Well, you blend this together and I became a very fearful kid. I was afraid of my own existence at that point.
I try to talk about it. I really did, many times. The first time, I tried to talk to a priest, but I was judge from the get go and accused of using drugs. As a sensitive person you know when they are lying, plus on that time I was totally against marijuana, I saw as a drug, now I see as medicine. After a few years of trying to talk I end up shutting myself up even more and that became hell. I really don’t know how hell can be any worst than feeling and not being able to speak or even be heard. Not be able to cry, not be able to express. That’s true hell.
In 2004 I finally said fuck it, I wanted to be health and happy. Therefore, like a punk I decided to to find the answers for myself and I started my healing process. I started with therapy, but I knew it that life was more than what we think it is. In 2005 I thought about going to a monastery and become a monk. I was rediculzed about this thought the same way I was when I said I was going to be a pro athlete as a kid. Every one said, I couldn’t be a holy man, I was to wild, and the music I heard was not holy. Even though they never really asked me what I felt and why I wanted that. After I finished my first ironman, I thought, “this is better then a monastery”. The physical pain helped with my emotional pain, and the training was like a moving meditation. Months later after my first ironman, I found true love. I found the woman that was going to be the mother of my children. Long story but I just knew it she was the one.
Back in 2012 I decided to add more things to my healing. Things like Reiki, past life regression, esoteric books, body talk and I restarted listening to music during my workouts. Specially metal and punk rock. That was the beginning of my escape from hell. After Luke was born he woke up my soul and I realized that health is about mind, body and soul. And I kept the soul out of the equation for a long time. So I had to go deep in my soul to look for answers. Months later in 2016 I became a Reiki master and honestly the last 4 years I was determined to connect the dots. A few weeks after I finished my interviews with the ghostwriter and I held Amber in my arms I connected and started losing the fear. After all, I always heard you will understand when you are a father. Well I am a father now, actually father of 2.
Apparently, there is a thing called clairaudience which is a type of medium ship. One of the characteristics of that is: You get signs from songs and things people say. Is like, you hear a song or listen to something and you can connect the dots in your life. Is freaky to be honest, but is no joke, it is real! Same thing of being an empath, that you feel energy, that shit is real too. Anyways, apparently this shit is really strong in me. Like, fucked up strong, and the biggest irony of all is that the so called “devil” music guided me out of hell, a hell that religion put me on it for listening to heavy metal! Ha, isn’t that fantastic?
That is why I want to learn all the songs the guided me all this time because it heals my soul. Trauma is real and weed does helps with going beyond the trauma. Something called detachment in psychiatry. Either way, weed helps in going beyond the trauma, like I can detach from the trauma and coffee gives me the energy to make it happen. These are a powerful combination. Now, what it all means I don’t know. Where it all going to go I don’t know. All I know is my Reiki is crazy good, it feels good to learn those songs, and to talk about spirituality in a form of philosophy. It’s a huge relief. Also, I have that feeling inside that says I must tell this story.
The truth is my entire existence was based on “faith” in the life force because I didn’t know how I was going to do. I didn’t want to go to college, I didn’t want to have a concrete plan, and all I wanted was to do what I felt like it. All I had was a feeling, a feeling telling me the way, I trusted and it worked. That is why I say I am an asshole, because I simply said fuck all this I am going to do what I want; what I feel like is the best for me. So, if rock and roll is the devil’s music and rock and roll guided me here, is only fair to tell the Pope Rirou is back and he is making holy smoke. Funny because it feels like this is build up from past lives, and I must end this cycle in this life time now by telling MY truth. Something I only connected the dots after becoming a Dad, after all kids are our biggest teachers bringing us the biggest spiritual gifts.
Life is ironic, the problem is you and at the same time you are the solution. We are all in hell, we are all disconnected. Look at it, we are all depressed, is a depressive world, we treat each other and the environment like shit. But hey, hell aint a bad place, your friends are there too. You are not alone! So, go find your joy, go find love. But remember the world is a mirror and to find love you must first love yourself. Doing it so you will be an asshole to a lot of people, but you will stop being an asshole with yourself. Then guarantee love will start knocing at your door cause the truth is life is about being your own hero. Kill your pride and attitude, it’s not about money is about your soul. You can loose everything but never your soul.
During this life time I heard that my sensitivity was feminine (aka boys don’tcry), so maybe the mediumship I have, is an old witch and now I fixed the portion (coffee and weed). I do want to share my side of the story and I do want to help people, because my point is there is more to it, there is more to life that we can even imagine, or even fit in a box (chruch) and there is a lot more to it behing a sensitive man/boy. I can tell you one thing, the meaning of life is following your dreams, your deepest dreams. That inner child dreams. I did it once when I followed my dream of being a professional athlete, and I now I am making 2 other dreams come true: the guitar and picking a fight with the pope. After all he did prohibited iron maiden to play in Chile in 1992 for no reason, taking the joy of millions of people; and that was the beginning of my trauma.
Ps: Trauma is often reflected in the body and back in 2014 I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism, which is located in the throat chakra. The throat chakra is totally related to comunication, and mine is off balance, the reason why “is fear of speaking”. That is why, this whole project is healing and motivating other to heal themselves as well.
Believe in me and send no money
I died on the cross, that ain’t funny
But my so called friends they’re making me a joke
They missed out what I said like I never spoke They choose what they wanna hear, don’t tell a lie
They just leave out the truth as they’re watching you die
They’re saving the souls by taking your money
Flies around shit, bees around honey Holy smoke, holy smoke
Plenty bad preachers for the devil to stoke
Feed ’em in feet first this is no joke
This is thirsty work making holy smoke
Making holy smoke Jimmy Reptile and all his friends
Say they gonna be with you at the end
Burning records, burning books
Holy soldiers, Nazi looks Crocodile smiles, just wait awhile
Till the TV Queen gets her make up clean
I’ve lived in filth, I’ve lived in sin
And I still smell cleaner than the shit you’re in Holy smoke, holy smoke
There’s plenty bad preachers for the devil to stoke
Feed ’em in feet first, this is no joke This is thirsty work making holy smoke
Smells good They ain’t religious but they ain’t no fools
When Noah built his Cadillac it was cool
Two by two they’re still going down
And the satellite circus just left town I think they’re strange and when they’re dead
They can have a Lincoln for their bed
Friend of the president, trick of the tail
Now they ain’t got a prayer, one hundred years in jail Holy smoke, holy smoke
Plenty bad preachers for the devil to stoke
Feed ’em in feet first this is no joke
This is thirsty work making holy smoke
One thing Rirou learned in life through out his case of the Mondays was, to look at the bright side of life. After the priest accused Rirou for smoking too much weed, and said that his soul was going to burn in a lake of fire for the rest of eternity; Rirou did the only thing he knew to do, he decided to challenged the status quo.
Rirou went skateboarding and decided to try marijuana, and he end up having the biggest spiritual experience of his life. Plus that day he skate like he had never skate before. Seems like he was possessed to skate, but the most important part of that experience was that Rirou though what if the devil is like the Tasmanian devil cartoon? completely crazy, energetic, intense, with a sense of humor and a big heart? what if hell is a place with lost of rock and roll, beer, weed and skateboarding?
On that same night Rirou went to a punk rock concert at the beach, and he got to the mosh pit, and he never felt so alive in his life. That experience blew Rirou’s mind. After the show Rirou lay down at the beach and looked to the moon and thought “Well I guess I am going to hell in all Religions, so maybe the devil and I can become friends”.
Rirou kept that for himself, and he did what he was thought to and buried his feelings, the good, the bad and the ugly feelings. With time and therapy Rirou started to realize that maybe people were just afraid to feel good. He knew he was afraid to feel good, after all, that was a sin (based of the collective matrix), but Rirou realized that there is another side of the story, so he thought if Religion claims to have the truth, and there is another side of the story; therefore Religion can easily be lying.
So, what if there is no sin? If life is how you feel, and in order to feel joy you also need feel the rest (the good, the bad and the ugly), is just part of life. During the ironman cozumel in 2011 Rirou was the marathon part, and he was in hell. Literally, it had rain and it was 95 featherweights, and smoke was coming out of the asphalt. Rirou was in bad shape and his mind was going crazy; with the angel telling him to stop, but Taz (the devil) showed up that day and whispered “you should face the pain and keep going”. Rirou started to run again and he had another insight and thought “If I keep running at 8 min pace I will finish faster and pain will end quick. If I keep walking at 16 min pace the pain is the same but it will take me double the time to finish, and if I quit the pain (a different kind of pain) will least even longer.” So he ran and finish the race as his second best Ironman time ever.
Rirou realized that day that the devil was his friend after all. That day Rirou realized it does not matter in how much shit you are in, there is always a bright side. It all depends on how you look at it, and Rirou was right when in hell become friends with the devil and from that day on, Rirou started to look at the bright side of life.
Does not matter how much shit you are in, there is always a bright side to it, even if it is a lesson. And that is the Rock-it-ology second punk rule!
Rirou woke up that Tuesday March 24th, and he started the day with Yoga and coffee. This is favorite way to wake up, however is not always possible cause Rirou goes to sleep late. Rirou is just like a night owl and he feels empowered under the moon, but it was not always like. A few years back Rirou was a professional triathlete that woke up daily at 5 am, and now, well now it’s a completely different story. Yes, Rirou turns 40 this year but this is not a midlife crisis.
Yesterday was a big break through for Rirou, not only because he did not have a case of the Mondays after all this years, but because something clicked. Rirou was finally at the core of the issue.
Rirou have been wanting to talk about mental health for awhile, since he has been a health coach and an athlete for a long time and he have seen how little we talk about mental/spiritual health. We are all obsess with perfect body and how we look outside, but we almost don’t talk about how we look inside. Yeah, our feelings. Rirou was a good example, and he was punk enough to believe he could talk about it, actually write about it.
The interesting part is that writing for Rirou has always been his weakness. Just to have an idea Rirou always end up in summer class when it came to writing. English was a bit easier, but still. However, writing was the only way Rirou could speak from the heart and that was another life irony. Rirou did the same thing when he decided to became a professional triathlete. He was 24 years old 260 pounds and smoking 2 packs of cigarettes a day.
The important thing is that now it was different, Rirou was making real changes at the core of the issue, and that was not a midlife crisis. That was real healing, or like Rirou like to call a rebirth, and this quarantine was helping Riou work deeper inside out. After all being a punk is about attitude, and that was one thing Rirou was good at it, facing his demons.