Tag: life purpose

Chapter 7: A heart full of Eddie

First, let me explain who is Eddie for those who are not Iron Maiden fan. Eddie is their mascot his first appearance was in February 1980. The reason I am saying that is because it connects with my work at Rock-it-ology. I actually just found this out as I write this blog today 3/11/21 at 23: 23 pm. Anyways, Eddie is the iron maiden famous mascot and the leader and bass player of this band is Stephen Pecy Harris known as Steve Harris, born on March March 12, 1956. So yeah today (the day I am posting this) is his birthday.

For many years I thought I didn’t have a hero because the truth is I was a shitty kid. I mean, I was not really into watching TV, or video games. I was more the kid that is into music, arts and being outdoors. Therefore, in general I didn’t have the “normal” heroes that most kids have. I mean, I did have Luke Skywalker as a hero, but for me was different because he was good in using the force. For some reason I always felt that the force was something real. Now, I know it is real, is something called energy, that I like to call life force. So, yeah Luke Skywalker is bad ass, especially in the return of the Jedi and that is why I suggested my son name as Luke Wygand, luckily my wife agreed.

Now, the rest of my heroes was all considered evil, or drugged addict well at least in my world. It’s a long story, so long that I am putting in a book. Chapter 9 of the book is when things started to change in my life and the music that changed it all was the Judgments of heaven from the X factor album. I will be honest; I don’t know much about Steve Harris at all. I am not that kind of fan that knows every single detail. I am more or the kind of fan that just wants to enjoy their music and rock it by: learning their songs in my studio, singing in the shower, rocking an air guitar/bass/drums either to my kids or solo. All I know is that I love their songs, and the bass is what really makes you feel the song.

That being said I feel that I have to acknowledge this guy as my #1 hero because the truth is, because of the song Judgments of Heaven from the X- Factor album that I am here today alive writing this blog. Therefore I want to wish Steve Harris a happy fucking birthday and a huge thank you for making my heart full of Eddie.

Punkaste,

Rirou

A lonely cry for help reaching out for help to anyone
A silent prayer to God to help you on your way
I’ve been depressed so long
It’s hard to remember when I was happy
I’ve felt like suicide a dozen times or more
But that’s the easy way, that’s the selfish way
The hardest part is to get on with your lifeYou’re searching in the dark
Clutching at straws to find a way
You take the Tarot cards
And throw them to the wind
Your question your beliefs, your inner thoughts
Your whole existence
And if there is a God then answer if you will
And tell me of my fate, tell me of my place
Tell me if I’ll ever rest in peaceIf you could live your life again
Would you change a thing
Or leave it all the same
If you had the chance again
Would you change a thing at all
When you look back at your past
Can you say that you are proud
Of what you’ve done
Are there times when you believe
That the right you thought was wrongAll of my life I have believed
Judgement of Heaven is waiting for me
All of my life now I have believed
Judgement of Heaven is waiting for me
Waiting for me
Waiting for me
Waiting for meAll of my life now I have believed
Judgement of Heaven awaits for me
All of my life now I have believed
Judgement of Heaven awaits for meAll of my life I have believed
Judgement of Heaven is waiting for me
All of my life now I have believed
Judgement of Heaven is waiting for me
Waiting for me
Waiting for me
Waiting for me

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Chapter 1: Am I evil?

Am I evil? That is a question that I had for my entire existence. Yeah, it’s pretty crazy. This thought started at a super early age for me, and it haunted me down, until I was 40 years old. Well, if I am honest, still does. Now the big question is why, and I hope you are ready to read, cause I am ready to talk.

Since an early age I was called evil for loving heavy metal, I heard many times and I said it here many times. What you didn’t know is that it felt like I was being crucified for my music taste. Because the minute I said I liked heavy metal I was automatic labeled as evil. As I said I was a sensitive kid, well I am a sensitive man. Now, why was I sensitive? Well, I had psychic abilities, very strong ones. I had a lot of deja-vus, intuitions, knowing things, and feeling things. What kid would not be get scared to say what he feels after being labeled evil from the get go. The worst part of all is being crucified without even hearing my side of the story. People assumed I was an anti-Christ, or this soulless person when people didn’t even knew what was going on, or even what I believed. So my fault was that I never said what I felt because of the fear of being evil.

Now, when Luke was born my sensibility came back up at the highest level. I have gotten him out of trouble so many times, and it was like I just knew it what to do. Lots of stories in my upcoming book. Crazy insane, I know, but true. I think there is a few stories during my 40 walk through the covid-420 that I mention some dots I connected . Ok, so now are you ready to talk about Jesus and God? LOL that is when it gets super interesting the story. Let’s go by part.

First of all, I had always believed that Jesus existed, he was a public figure for sure no doubt about it. I mean, people wrote a book about him. I just always believed the story was distorted, and I also knew that we don’t need Religion to connect with something higher. When Luke was born I went to do a Reiki session, and during this session guess who showed up in a form of vision? Well, if you guessed Jesus you are right. He paid me a visit. Not only once, but twice. The second time was in 2020 before before Amber was born on my meditation. Now you want to see where it gets even better? I not only seeing Jesus, but I also I saw Buddha, Krishna, and Lemmy (motorhead) and Chester (Linkin Park). I am not joking. Some people called channeling, I don’t know because I never intentionally tried, or learned, it just happened. Or this can simply be my fears, traumas and dreams in form of visualizations. All I know is that; as much as looney tunes as is sounds for you, it sounds for me as well.

Second, let’s talk about God. For me, it’s energy. You can only feel it, like love. You can only feel it and love is inclusive. Now, Religion with their so called fathers never really understood my love for music, they didn’t even tried to listen to my side of the story. Based on Religion we are all son’s of God and I was “different” and I was not included in his love due to my Love for the “devils song”. What kind of “father (priest)” is that, that can’t love a different child? Well what kind of love is that? I mean, they can only love you with a condition?

We usually have so many judgments about this type of music, and for the people that listen to it. The problem is that most people don’t even stop to listen to what they are singing about. Which a lot times those songs are a philosophical metaphor. Some people might not understand the metaphors, is ok. Is not for everyone, I get it. However those metaphors saved me and guided me my entire life, witch now makes sense with my “clairaudience mediumship.” Rock took me to a beautiful place called LOVE; and love is inclusive.

Well that is my biggest trauma, on my 40th birthday when I launched my very first punk song for kids I really thought that the my world was going to end if I did that. Fuck up, right? All this time I was afraid of being evil, just because of my love for Rock and Roll and because of my sensitivity that I couldn’t explain. Turns out, my sensitivity is a gift! Am I evil? Of course not! Does that makes me a better person? Hell no! However it does make me a bigger asshole since it proves my theory that the only way to escape hell is to “unlearn what you have learned”, so here we go:

  • Rock and Roll is good for the soul.
  • Punk is not dead, punk is Dad. Punk is the definition of love (inclusion).
  • Never grow up.
  • Weed is medicine, helps you understand and accept what you can’t control.
  • Coffee is medicine, to change the things you can control.
  • I honestly believe that the truth comes out in form of art. Because art it really touches your soul, and that many times causes crisis. I love crisis because it gets the best of us. Meaning you are the storm!

So, yeah LOVE ROCKS and I am a fool (or an asshole depends on the perspective), that believes in love; that decided to follow my childhood dream dreams; and a fool that learned about inclusion through punk rock. My friends used to sing to me, “we don’t need another hero”, (that was Rirou’s theme song when I was 8 years old) and is 100% right! We don’t need another hero, we need more PUNKS! I honestly believe is time to Religion do some shadow work, like Slayer said “Pay back is a bitch!” Conclusion fuck depression, let’s Rock! How? Simple, do what you want by making peace with your inner child and for that there is nothing better than music therapy. Join me and let’s rock this world!

Oh, and master Yoda, he is the man! Since I said the world is depress, and the big thing with depression is that most of us don’t even know we are depress. Solution? An inner child revolution! That is what I did! Anarchy with a discipline of an ironman!

Punkaste,

Rirou

Open letter to the Pope

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Chapter 11: Never mind the bollocks!

June 19th 2019, 2 days before my 39th birthday, 2 days before international yoga day and 2 days before summer solstice. It was night time I was driving back from therapy crying my eyes out as usual when I decided to break the biggest habit of my life: Feeling like shit and unworthy!

I stopped at School of Rock, got class information and adult band program information. Doing that finally felt like myself again after years of therapy. I knew what the issue was and what I needed to do, now I needed to do it. The easiest way to explain is like I was cage and now I was free and learning but I needed to learn how to fly again. That is how depression felt for me, felt like you are suffocated, or caged.

In December of 2019 I went to Sao Paulo to see my Dad, and during that visit I had some interesting conversations that all included Religion. Some conversations got heated, to a point someone said “Oh you got traumatized”, and then I said for the first time “yes, I got traumatized” which was followed by an awkward silence. I honestly I couldn’t believe it was 2019 and nothing has changed. The judgments were still there, stronger than ever, almost like is imprinted in your subconscious.

Now, I must say, I could have done what I usually did, be quiet, not say a word, and swallow my feelings. However, now I know the damage that holding it in does, and this time was different, my inner punk is awaken and ready to fight, at least put voice out there. Why? Because is not about me, is about my kids and the kind of world I want to leave for them. Plus, I not going to sell my soul. So, I broke another habit and once I went back home, we decided not to put a Christmas tree (Best holiday ever!). I mean, the 3 years we put Luke did not care about the tree. Plus, what that teaches my kids? To spend tons of money? waste time putting up and down? That Santa Clause only give kids present to the kids that can afford to buy? That only “good” kids deserve toys? I want teach my kids to listen to their hearts, trust their feelings and have good family time (staying in the now) and for that you don’t need a holiday, a tree or even a fucking reason.

The problem is not the belief itself, the problem is believing you are better because of your belief. As far as I am concerned we are all humans living by the same laws of the universe (life, death, gravity etc). I mean you can believe in whatever the hell you want, but that believe can’t harm others.

I have always believed in the force, the life force, which is something you find a lot in Yoga and Reiki, you just need to be alive to have it. This force gets more powerful with love, and love is inclusive. Punkaste is my prophecy. The punk side is totally inspired by Bad Religion, Sex Pistols, Green Day, Ramones, Pennywise, The Offspring and much more. The aste side is totally inspired by Motorhead, Iron Maiden, Slayer, Judas Priest, and more, which is teaching kids how not to sell their soul and possibly motivate others to look within and get out of the depression matrix. My punk side is picking a fight with Religion, and my aste (my sensitive side) is teaching kids about inclusion, skateboarding, and fast and loud songs. Yes, I found my why in life, I now know why I exist. I am a glitch in the matrix! Again, fuck depression let’s Rock. Oh and fuck Religion too, that is child abuse! Save our children!

Punkaste,

Rirou

Check out the new videos:

This song was the song that I learned about punk rock back in 1995. A very special song that helped me a lot during that time.
First skateboarding lesson for kids!
I am yoga book by Susan Verde
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Chapter 4 – I believe in miracles

A few days before we went to the hospital to be induced, we talked to the doctors since is was showing too much amniotic fluid. The doctor advise inducing since it could create dangerous for mom and baby, so we all agreed in the day after July 4th to induce. That night, I went to Doctor Google and read about extra amniotic fluid and first thing I saw was stillbirth. I simply refused to believe that could happened, because it was not what my heart was saying, and I always trust my feelings and now I was starting to learn how to listen to them. So, I said fuck you Google and went to sleep.

We went to the hospital with Dark Vader mask, and a playlist of Luke’s favorite tunes (based on reaction his in the belly, on that time his favorite was Kids aren’t alright by Offspring). Funny thing is when I marked on Facebook that we were in the hospital I marked the NICU without realizing, anyways she got induce at 7 am July 5th. On that time we didn’t know what was going on, expect the extra fluid.

By midnight contractions started to get stronger and by 4 am we had a scary moment when Luke’s heart rate drop to 40’s. I was so scared and nervous that our Douala told me to go for a walk. I remember I went to have a coffee and I sat at the hospital zen garden, looked to the moon, that was waxing crescent, and I literally said “what the fuck?” and I started to meditate. After a few minutes I went back to the room.

Things just started to get very intense at 7 am with another heart rate drop, and by 9 am another drop in the heart rate. From that point on the room was full with 3 doctors and 7 nurses. By 11 o clock am Luke was born, and his Apgar number was 2. He was basically brought back to life in my wife’s belly the Douala told me “he needs a familiar voice”. So, I told him “Luke, I am your father”, just kidding, I said “Dad is here”, he grabbed my finger and that was PUNKASTE at first sight. I honestly felt like he was giving me knuckles and saying “boom, I got this!” I kid you not, I felt whole, literally like “The punk in me honors the punk in you”.

In 9 minutes Luke was intubated and we went to the NICU. I felt whole and secure but scared. It was confusing how I felt with what was going on, but I knew one thing for sure…

Yes, I believe in miracles cause is many ways I am one…and I also believe in a better world…

Punkaste,

Rirou

Song lyrics:

I used to be on an endless run.
Believe in miracles ’cause I’m one.
I have been blessed with the power to survive.
After all these years I’m still alive.I’m out here kickin’ with the band.
I am no longer a solitary man.
Every day my time runs out.
Lived like a fool, that’s what I was about, ohI believe in miracles.
I believe in a better world for me and you.
Oh, I believe in miracles.
I believe in a better world for me and you.Tattooed your name on my arm.
I always said my girl’s a good luck charm.
If she can find a reason to forgive,
Then I can find a reason to live.I used to be on an endless run.
Believe in miracles ’cause I’m one.I have been blessed with the power to survive.
After all these years I’m still alive.I believe in miracles.
I believe in a…

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Chapter 2 – 1000 days

At the end of 2010 I finally quite my job at the running store and started to live the triathlon life full time. I was coaching and racing professionally full time, so I can say I made but by 2012, I started to see professional sports with different eyes.

May 28th 2013 I finally won my first triathlon race. After I won that race things started to get kind of blurry again, because the truth is I won the race but how I felt inside did not change. I really thought I would feel different, but I didn’t. Crazy because I had that goal since 2004. After I won the race I kept looking for the stars looking for answers, because that was not it! The empty feeling was still there.

Triathlon was not making it, in fact it was making it worst. I mean, I was physically getting tired and sick, and I started to find out about all the drugs in the sport (I was a basket case). Not only that, but also how almost nobody played fair even during the race. Long story, but that just made me angrier. After that race, I bought a book that changed my life forever: The secret race by Tyler Hamilton, a book that tells in details the drugs in the Tour de France when he raced with Lance Armstrong. On that book Tyler talk about 1000 days, something like that he said: “takes about 1000 days in the sport to realize either you take drugs or you will never go far in your career”. Little by little I was realizing that was not for me, and the count down of my 1000 days started.

On December 23rd, Festivus Day I went to a friends house to borrow his bike, because I was changing sponsors and my bike was not ready yet. That day when I saw him with his kids I had a intuition, it was almost like time stopped and I heard: Fatherhood is what you been looking all for all this time.

2014 came along and I did 2 ironmans that year, and after the last ironman of the season in Arizona, I decided to smoked a joint the day after the race. I haven’t smoked in so many years so I went to Ruby Tuesdays and 2 burgers and 2 deserts later I stop to think. I look up the sky and thought: “What the fuck I am I doing?” I was so confused, I had a huge triathlon team, I was racing pro, technically a dream come true, with 6% body fat, another dream come true but I was not happy, or healthy. Weed always opens my mind, and like I always say “it does not numb my emotions, it just amplifies”. However, I was addicted to the stress, and my I guess my ego spoke louder so I signed up for another race in January.

January 2015 I did probably my best race ever, even with a 45 minute flat tire I got 2nd place in the local ironman. My best race ever, but after the race that feeling was back again and this time even stronger this time. It felt like I was being choked. Well, the inevitable happened: CRISIS! This time the worst crisis of my life. I was fucking up in so many levels and in all areas of my life. I remember getting in therapy with a headache for hitting myself in the head, and I told the therapist I finally did something right I am in pain. The answer of course was “that’s not good”.

Anyways, that crisis made me release a lot of shit. I took on writing and made me feel really good. I took sometime off from training, racing and increased my meditations. In one of those meditations I realized I was ready to be a Dad, and at first try we got pregnant. Luke was so ready to come. However, I decided to do another ironman in Cozumel and boy that was not a good idea. I lost my bottle, dehydrated and the race was a disaster. So, I did not finish the race and took the rest of the time as a vacation.

When I came back home I thought, that can’t be the last race, so I signed up for a local 140.6 (Ironman Distance in miles) in Naples Florida, same as January 2015. I did the race, won and came back home the same day, cause that is where my soul wanted to be. I didn’t even stay for the podium next day cause I was really done. The funny thing is back in 2004 I had a dream that I won an ironman with the time of 9 hours and 50, and guess my time on that race? 9 hours and 55 minutes close enough.

February 22nd I complete 1000 days and that day I went for a run, after the 1st mile I stopped because everything was hurting, specially my neck. I looked up the sky and thought, “I think I am done with this shit”. But what about the my business? That was a good question that I had no fucking clue! All I knew is that my soul was screaming for a change, I could not keep that going physically, mentally and emotionally.

Punkaste,

Rirou

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