Chapter 14: can I play with madness?

For me hell (depression) was like this: You have 2 voices in your head, one the voice of the holy unworthiness and the other the voice of your intuitions and feelings. I learned not to express those feelings because that was either not acceptable or not normal. Now, what you do when your feelings and intuitions are correct but everyone tells you that is not. That you are wrong, and that is not acceptable. Well, you become fearful, and fear leads to anger which leads to hate. So, I started to hate myself.

I started to numb my feelings and beat myself up, with cigarettes,  alcohol,  food, and with work (workaholic with no purpose). Then I made a change, started to exercise to loose weight,  started to diet,  but then I took the addiction to the other side of the spectrum.  That is when I realized I felt the same inside even doing the so dreamed 360 degree change, which didn’t change shit. I still felt the same however, by doing a 360 degree change lead me to make the real change and find balance. That is when I brought religion into therapy and I started to go against everything I learned because I realized I was infringing my first rule in life: thou shall not be an asshole. I was being an asshole with the most important person in the world: myself. When I figure that out the unworthiness holy voice of my head became a sarcastic stand up comedian.

Now I realized I have been bully by Religion for years! Now, with bullies sometimes you have to fight back. Believe me, I have been on both side of fence. That is why I am a walking contradiction, even though my first life rule is thou shall not be an asshole, sometimes you need to be an asshole. My Dad once said “whatever you chose to be, make sure you do it with love”. Well, if I am going to be an asshole, mine as well be a good one!

If life is a game I can identify myself as the fool card in the tarot deck. He represents new begins and let’s be honest I have always been considered the fool for believing in love. But you know what? I found love it and is not what religion says it at all. Is quite the opposite, and the truth is I don’t really want to fight, I am not that kind of guy. However, I know that “God” created Rirou the Punk for a reason.

Therefore I am happy to announce that in the Next Festivus December 23rd, 2020 Rirou the Punk is coming with book (Portuguese at first) “Punkaste, escaping hell (depression)” , and Star Punks the first Rock-it-ology album. So Religion considered this a handshake, after all handshakes are just a subtle fuck you, and sometimes is the easiest thing to do is say fuck you!

Religion claims God is love, but they are not inclusive therefore cannot be love. Love is messy, is the good, the bad and the ugly. Love is real, Love is unfashion…like I said I do not put Halloween decorations in my house because my house is a freak show all year long. So yes, I found love I can honestly say I understand more about “God” then Religion ever will!

October 10th is mental health day and I am doing this for my mental health. October 12th is kids day in Brazil and I am doing this for the kids aren’t alright. Today is Monday and I am happy to say I don’t have a case of the Mondays anymore, is too much fun being alive!

Punkaste, may the punk force be with you!

Rirou

Can I play with madness?
Give me the sense to wonder
To wonder if I’m free
Give me a sense of wonder
To know I can be me
Give me the strength to hold my head up
Spit back in their face
Don’t need no key to unlock this door
Gonna break down the walls
Break out of this bad placeCan I play with madness? The prophet stared at his crystal ball
Can I play with madness? There’s no vision there at all
Can I play with madness? The prophet looked and he laughed at me, ha, he said
Can I play with madness? He said, “you’re blind, too blind to see”
Oh, said, “you’re too blind to see”, mmmI screamed aloud to the old man
I said, “don’t lie, don’t say you don’t know”
I said, “you’ll pay for this mischief”
“Ah, in this world or the next”
Oh and then he fixed me with a freezing glance
And the hell fires raged in his eyes
He said, “do you wanna know the truth, son?”
“Lord, I’ll tell you the truth”
“Your soul’s gonna burn in a lake of fire”Can I play with madness? The prophet stared at his crystal ball
Can I play with madness? There’s no vision there at all
Can I play with madness? The prophet looked and he laughed at me, ha ha, he said
Can I play with madness? He said, “you’re blind, too blind to see”
“Oh, listen to me, ” said the prophetCan I play with madness? The prophet stared at his crystal ball
Can I play with madness? There’s no vision there at all
Can I play with madness? The prophet looked and he laughed at me, ha, he said
Can I play with madness? He said, “you’re blind, too blind to see”
Can I play with madness?

Day 25 of 40 – Something to believe in

Monday April 6th Rirou woke up with and again not another case of the Mondays. This COVID-19 isolation was great for Rirou, he took the time to go within and now things were more clear than ever.

Rirou always believed we all got something to learn and something to teach, and that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes we don’t know why and we have to find out or sometimes we know exactly why. That goes for all of us, no exception, is just part of life. The key is to learn in every situation, at least that was Rirou’s goal after every Ironman. Funny because an Ironman race is 90% mental and 10% physical, different than training. Training is 90% physical and 10% mental. For Rirou every Ironman was a mental battle with big life lessons.

During those Ironmans Rirou decoded 3 spiritual laws that helped him escape his matrix:

  • 1st, Accept it: That is probably the most important one. Like an Ironman, life is challenging and once you sign up you know it will be hard. Same with life, once you are born you know it will have challenges, and it’s not that is good or bad, it is what it is.
  • 2nd, Face it: The truth is the shit is big and you can’t run away. You have to face it, cause if you don’t the demons will only get bigger and bigger. So, we must face our demons. Rirou always said, when in hell become friends with the Devil.
  • 3rd, Rock it: This is the most simple rule, but the most difficult: Listen to your heart and stay true to yourself. Yes, that is all it takes to Rock in life and that is what Rock means to Rirou.
Rirou received this album when he was 18 years old from his Band mate. Another mind blown moment for Rirou when was going through his crisis in 2015, and this album pop up in pandora radio during one of his long runs.

Rirou took the lessons learned during his Ironman period and now he was using in many different levels to escape his own matrix. Those 3 spiritual laws are the base of Rock-it-ology.

Feel Good,

Rirou

Day 21 of 40 – The gift of fatherhood, part 3.

Continuing from part 2.

On September 2017 they were going through their second hurricane, and in order to escape they went to a friends house is Alabama. Breathing new airs for Rirou was extremely good cause he realized he was ready for a change.

The trip to Alabama was a very stressful trip and in order to keep the vibe of the family up Rirou was using a lot of music, specially with Luke. After Luke was born Rirou didn’t have much time to play the guitar, but on that trip to Alabama he got a Toy Guitar and started doing songs for Luke.

Rirou notice that music made Luke not only makes him happy but helped him move with the rhythm and he kept asking for faster songs. Moving fast is one of the key things to help overcome nemaline myopathy, since the muscle fibers affected are the fast twitch ones. Therefore an exercise with fast movements would definitely be beneficial. Rirou had always trained listening to Rock, that is where he performed the best. Another mind blowing moment for Rirou.

Rirou had no belief, but he knew it that he had a special connection with the universe. Every time Rirou needed guidance he would look you at stars, specially the moon. Rirou considered himself a moon child. During that trip, Rirou look to the skies over and over again, after all we all know Alabama is where the skies are so blue. Rirou had never felt so whole in his life, fatherhood is his biggest gift, his life purpose. Rirou believes in the stars and in the life force,after all he saw in the NICU but now he had proof that was writing in the stars.

The seed was planted now it was time to change, and the universe pointed to Colorado with a new opportunity. Another mind blowing moment, since Colorado was where they announced the name writing in the snow on February 2016. It was time to Run to the hills!

Now, is day 21 of Rirou’s walk to the desert and it is time for a change and start his project.

Feel Good,

Rirou

Day 16 of 40 – Paving the highway to hell

Rirou woke up that Saturday March 28th went to do his coffee completely naked. He waited quietly, got a cup sat down and started to talk to his wife. Well, he probably talked to her before, but his brain only kicks in after the coffee. He was not really sure about how he felt, but he knew this time was different.

Rirou learned like many not to show how they felt, after all he was told that boys didn’t cry. He even jokes with Luke’s teachers that going to preschool with Luke was helping him learn about his feelings. Well, is true he was learning a lot.  Going to preschool and therapy Rirou was finding out why certain things were dragging him down and how he felt. He always believed that life is how you feel, but everything else said the contrary. So, Rirou decided to walk in contradiction.

Back in 2015 the therapist asked Rirou what he really wanted, and without hesitation he said: “I want to change the world”, that was another life metaphor, because Rirou wanted to change his world. He is crazy but not that crazy to think he could change the world. He just wanted to explore a different side of him, and life coaching was not it.

Rirou created a Religion to talk about life, initially thinking about life coaching. However, Rirou knew that he was the opposite of most life coaches there, and that was not really him. Rirou finally changed his world, and he was finally paving his highway to hell. It was time to leave his mark…

Rirou’s favorite song of all times!

Feel Good,

Rirou

Day 15 of 40 – Brave new world

Rirou woke up that Friday March 27th in a new world, at least for him. Seems like Rirou have finally changed, and he was entering in his new world. His matrix was collapsing and that was only day 15 of his “walk through the desert”, the COVID-19 desert.

Rirou’s favorite concert – Iron Maiden Rock and Rio III 2001- Rirou was there!

After Luke was born Rirou was already in a midlife crisis, which is not a crisis, but the truth is Rirou was sick of triathlon. He loved the sport, but he have had enough and his soul was screaming for a change. People kept telling that he should be life coach, write a book, and make one of those all in one programs like Tony Robbins and shit like that. Even though Rirou like to read that stuff and uses some of “new age” tools he was not a “hero” neither he had a magical formula. Honestly, if you ever seem the ads for life coaching you will understand what Rirou is talking about. It’s perfect people, with a perfect magic formula that will give you an 6 figure income while you sleep, or perfect body by following the “magical formula”. Rirou knew it that life was not like that; for him life is about the good, the bad and the ugly. He knew from coaching experience that everyone is different and unique, so why create a product like that? If he did not believe, of course it would not work.

Now, that Rirou was reconnected with his soul, and he knew it that was not the way to go. Since a very young age Rirou knew it that the world did not need a another hero, another perfect people. The world need more punks, more real people, more people feeling good about themselves. Like Rirou always says: “Nothing is real until you feel it”, and life is about how you feel. Rirou is empowering himself by learning the guitar and how to sing, he is empowering his inner child. That means he has to be a beginner again.

On 02/20/2020 Rirou sang for the first time ever, he knew it sucked, after all he knew the song since he was 15 years old. But singing and playing felt so good that Rirou did not care, he was happy doing it and he wanted to punk the world. As a former triathlete he knew it that a goal without a plan was just a wish, and what could be more punk than writing his own Religion? That day was not a set back, that day was a new world for Rirou, that day the punk was back at work (Ironic, right? a punk at work). He just needed

Anyways, here it is Rirou singing for the first time. The jokes are good, the guitar is bad, and the singing is ugly. However, that made Rirou happy.

Probably the worst cover of Kurt Cobain.

Feel good,

Rirou

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