Chapter 6: as wicked

For years I believe I was doom for a life of surfering and pain. For real, was a feeling that I couldn’t enjoy life, and if I did I would be punished. Everything that gave me joy was going to be the end of the world. Like, everything was my fault. Heavy metal thought me that the easy way out, ending life, was not an option. 

Yes, it’s true, the feeling was that I was wicked. Like in my dreams is it was always there,  demons faces saying I couldn’t enjoy life. I didn’t know what those demons were until I picked up the guitar to play at 39 years old. Not only that, it only started to make sense on my 40th birthday! That’s when I realized I was battling my own existence.

At age of 39 is when I told my wife, I wanted to be the one who stays home with the kids and learn music. Not only because I didn’t want to work. I mean I don’t want to work, because the truth I can’t have a boss. I think from all the bosses that I had, there is a very few that I didn’t say fuck off. Me out there is a menace to society. It’s true, cause I have an attitude and I know how to use it, like the guy from office space.  The scene where the guy from office space,  says fuck off and got promoted actually happened in my life a few times. Or that scene with George Costanza, when he does everything the opposite way. Anyways,  I said I want to stay home and say fuck you to the Pope and rock. I also wanted to stay home mostly because Luke is as sensitive, if not more than I am, and now Amber. She is also super sensitive. 

Scaping hell (depression) is about learning about my sensitivity and using, and as I do that I want to teach my kids how to use their strength in life, after all my sensitivity is my strength. This way the story won’t repeat itself. The crazy thing is as a sensitive person I became very angry inside due to not exploring my sensitivity,  and swallowing my feelings. Didn’t look like I was an angry person because like the movie Anger Management he says there are 2 kinds of people: the one who explodes and the one who listened quietly day after day. Well, I am/was the one who listened day after day. Felt like I was grounded for 33 years.

Hell and fire was spawned to be released and that’s when the other day I made the video of saying fuck you to the Pope. As I released all this anger in form of art I noticed that things actually started to workout in my life, and the paranoia is gone. Things are no longer heavy and the energy is flowing. Not only that, by doing this, it creates a positive effect in the people around me, my family. Maybe not the devoted catholics since my story make them uncomfortable, but it’s what they say, life begins at the end of the confort zone.

Now I planned to release my first kids song in portuguese this week, however since we are moving (we got a house, see how choosing love/joy things workout?), I decided to wait and record the video in the new house. I believe this will have a much deeper meaning. Because the reality is, on January 20th,  Saint Sebastian day the Padron of my hometown (Rio de Janeiro,  Brasil) we bought our first home. That day was when the world turned around for me, that day was the day I realized I was not doomed, and I finally found my place under the sun. Yeah, I escaped hell, and it felt like a slapt in the face of destiny. Well, maybe not a slapt, but more like a mooning to destiny. I always loved mooning LOL. 

Punkaste,

Rirou

El Rock Punkarena

I had the inspiration for this song while dancing with Luke as I scream “Eeee Punkcarena!” while we dance. Luke of course laugh his ass off. Also, Luke finds this song very inspirational, and on the Macarena version by Elmo he says and I quote “Maybe one day Elmo will have a song named after him”, so I didn’t think twice, I made a song for our family inspired by Luke. Punkcarena simply means enjoy life, kind of hakuna matata but punk, because the reality is Luke has an incredible joy for life. I made a family song because my family is punk af! For a little bit I thought the song was not going to come out, but Jared made his magic with the drums and here we are. This song I made in Spanish even not being my first language, however Spanish is the Pope first language, so he has no excuse to understand. So here it is Pinche Pendejo vossa Santidade Papa, El Rock Punkcarena!

Here is the book Story of Rock

Punkaste,

Rirou

Chapter 3: Love Rocks!

I am Rirou the Punk, and I declare December 21st 2020, The Official Punkaste Day!

During this 4 years and 6 month since Luke was born, I confirmed what I already knew it: The way out of depression is with joy and purpose. 2020 is the year where I turned 40 and also the year I connected the dots in my life, marking this a rebirth. I picked this day for many reasons, but mainly is that I was in Brazil on the winter solstice the darkest day of the year. Therefore it makes sense to do this on the darkest day of the year the place I made my home. Well, this time is the darkest day of the year but with a huge light in the sky! Coincidence?

Sarcasm apart, I did connect the dots in 2020. After, I went to that full moon drum circle where I heard about the my possible mediumship, I finally started to talk more about that in my therapy sessions. That is when my therapist told me to go talk to her friend, Leslie the Good Witch. This is when things started to get interesting. So, I went to see her and we talk over 1 hour between tarot cards, astral maps and singing bowls. After the session she gave me a copy of The Celestine Prophecy book, and said “I was guided to give this book to you”. Anyways, life got crazy and I didn’t read the book until 2020 happened.

The other day the book pop up in my mind when I was passing by the office. I mean, it caught my attention and that same day I was talking to a childhood friend, and famous psychiatrist in Brazil, about religion and spirituality. That day I explained to him what I felt in my meditations, so it was a deep conversation. 2 days later YouTube suggested me The Celestine prophecy, so I thought “I guess is time to either read or watch the movie.” Well, I pressed play and boy, the movie is exactly the feeling I described to my friend. That feeling is the same one I get with music.

Now to add to it, in one of my talks with Leslie in 2020 she told me, “I am pretty sure you are an indigo child“. Well, I knew that since 2012, so she just confirmed me. Some people claim that indigo children have a collective purpose as well as personal one. Since I have always being attracted to this exoteric world, so it was super easy to go look it up indigo child purpose on the internet. I found a few things, including exercises that helps connect the dots, and that is when I found my joy, purpose and talents. Well, one of my talents is transform kids songs into punk rock songs which leads me to the mission of building an army of punk rockers. Divine intervention?

Genius or Insane I still don’t know, all I know all this stuff really happened and made my life make sense. Also, I was born with an artistic mind. Both of them explains my sensitivity in different ways. All I know is that I have tremendous joy in listening and doing music, that is how my love comes out. I also know that when I do that I can spread that love to my family being a present husband and Dad… and Nothing Else really Matters after that! Well, it actually does matter because Love is contagious and Love rocks, and I believe in Love!

I feel like a villain, like Drew from Minions, that can transform kids songs into punk rock. The difference in cartoons is that nothing works out for the villain, when for me is the opposite, when I embraced that side of mine, I started to heal myself!

Punkaste,

Rirou

In English

In Portuguese:

Chapter 6: “I have no belief, but I believe I am walking contradiction…”

Well, we that was how we started our NICU journey. Looking back at my life I could clearly see that I went to 2 big transformations which all of them had a piece of spirituality. The first one was a mental transformation back in 2003 when I decided to start fighting depression, and I started yoga back then. The second one was a body transformation that started back in 2012, that is when I started receiving Reiki. When we got pregnant my spiritual awakening just grew exponentially. In every transformation I went through things get pretty intense at first, specially if is a radical one. They get intense because you need to destroy the old in order to build the new. To be honest, that is the only way to do, otherwise you will never change. If you wanna change you need to be Roots and Radical.

In the NICU the feelings were raw an intense, that push all your limits above and beyond. Those are real human emotions and super intense, you literally go from 0 to 100 is seconds. Anyways, for me, inclusion starts at home, so my wife and I pretty much moved into the room that the hospital provide for families that lived far: The Conine House. And that is where we lived for the next 84 days, after all we are a family, we are all in this together. My mother-in-law stayed at home with Bolt (our dog) that did not leave Luke’s room until we were back home 84 days later. Honestly, he only left to go outside and then back to his room. Crazy!

During the NICU time I heard all kind of things from Doctors. I was scared and confused, but somehow I knew in my heart that Luke was okay. I was so overwhelmed with everything around me. So, I had to slow down. I started to meditate even more, specially next to Luke with lots of mental talks with him. I started to receive Reiki every time I could, and I started to go to Reiki circles in the hospital (super cool that the hospital have a Reiki Circle). I also restarted practicing yoga own my own in the Conine house in the early AM before crossing the street to see Luke wake up. My goal was to be strong spiritually so I could help Luke, and be there for him. I told Luke I couldn’t stay there 24/7 there, but I left the Chewbacca mask next to his bed, so he knew he was not alone.

With time everything started to make sense to me. Honestly, the way it felt was when Luke was born he came with so much light that it blind me for awhile. That being said, as the days went by in the NICU I started to see again but much much more clearly, and things started to make sense, and it was really ironic. Once I heard that irony is the face of God, and as I look to my life is pure irony, like I am literally walking in contradiction. You doubt? let me tell you:

  1. I was a sensitive boy that cried a lot, but at the same time I love heavy metal. I heard my entire life, how I could be so zen and listen to metal?
  2. I am metal head that loves punk rock, usually those 2 don’t match. I hear all the time, you are a punk that likes slayer?Yeah, I fucking love slayer! I also love the dark side of things, because they are real and raw.
  3. I feel I have a really strong spirituality, (intuition, deja-vu etc). I honestly feel that the universe and I have a super strong connection (its a huge story). Truth being said, up to now my feelings were 99.9% of the time right, it’s just hard to trust them because of what I learned. Yet, I don’t believe in God because I hate religion (Religion is simply exclusive, like a box or an aquarium). However, I believe in the Force, the life force that bind us together because for me it’s all connected.
  4. I was a pro athlete that didn’t want to take performance enhancing drugs (I always like weed but weed is not a drug). Yeah, don’t pretend you don’t know, 90% or more of the athletes take something. Even amateurs. Anyways, I was racing for me, because I had a purpose for doing 18 fucking ironmans. I was facing one demon at the time on those races, and that is when I learned that the dark side is your friend. I always loved the dark side, and as a punk I love to face them. After all I love challenging the status quo, like I was born for that!
  5. I always said that hell was a good place. I mean, think about it: Tons of beer, weed, rock and roll for eternity? Where do I sign up? and I think most of my friends will be there, so hell here I go!
  6. In school I didn’t want to cheat, and I didn’t like to study either. That is why I flunk 3 times. I am not perfect, I did cheat a few times but mostly on group work, where some of my friends saved me. But in general, I did try to take responsibility for my grades. In the triathlon was the same, I didn’t want to cheat, where 70% of the athletes did cheat. I honestly rather finish last than cheat, again I had a reason why I was doing those races. Physical pain helps with emotional pain.
  7. Now 2 triathletes have a son with muscle weakness, how ironically beautiful this is? I mean, who better than 2 triathletes, to parent a kid like Luke?

For me being a Dad is accepting a Soul that is coming, and that soul is coming for spiritual growth, meaning we are all perfectly imperfect and life is a challenging school. Therefore, the way I see it is I got the son that I need for my spiritual growth and Luke have the parents that will help his spiritual growth, same thing with my daughter that is coming soon (we are at 32 weeks today). My biggest fear in the NICU was how I was going to teach Luke about acceptance, if I haven’t accepted myself. Meaning, I dealt with depression for a reason, and now it was time to heal.

Punkaste,

Rirou

Chapter 4 – I believe in miracles

A few days before we went to the hospital to be induced, we talked to the doctors since is was showing too much amniotic fluid. The doctor advise inducing since it could create dangerous for mom and baby, so we all agreed in the day after July 4th to induce. That night, I went to Doctor Google and read about extra amniotic fluid and first thing I saw was stillbirth. I simply refused to believe that could happened, because it was not what my heart was saying, and I always trust my feelings and now I was starting to learn how to listen to them. So, I said fuck you Google and went to sleep.

We went to the hospital with Dark Vader mask, and a playlist of Luke’s favorite tunes (based on reaction his in the belly, on that time his favorite was Kids aren’t alright by Offspring). Funny thing is when I marked on Facebook that we were in the hospital I marked the NICU without realizing, anyways she got induce at 7 am July 5th. On that time we didn’t know what was going on, expect the extra fluid.

By midnight contractions started to get stronger and by 4 am we had a scary moment when Luke’s heart rate drop to 40’s. I was so scared and nervous that our Douala told me to go for a walk. I remember I went to have a coffee and I sat at the hospital zen garden, looked to the moon, that was waxing crescent, and I literally said “what the fuck?” and I started to meditate. After a few minutes I went back to the room.

Things just started to get very intense at 7 am with another heart rate drop, and by 9 am another drop in the heart rate. From that point on the room was full with 3 doctors and 7 nurses. By 11 o clock am Luke was born, and his Apgar number was 2. He was basically brought back to life in my wife’s belly the Douala told me “he needs a familiar voice”. So, I told him “Luke, I am your father”, just kidding, I said “Dad is here”, he grabbed my finger and that was PUNKASTE at first sight. I honestly felt like he was giving me knuckles and saying “boom, I got this!” I kid you not, I felt whole, literally like “The punk in me honors the punk in you”.

In 9 minutes Luke was intubated and we went to the NICU. I felt whole and secure but scared. It was confusing how I felt with what was going on, but I knew one thing for sure…

Yes, I believe in miracles cause is many ways I am one…and I also believe in a better world…

Punkaste,

Rirou

Song lyrics:

I used to be on an endless run.
Believe in miracles ’cause I’m one.
I have been blessed with the power to survive.
After all these years I’m still alive.I’m out here kickin’ with the band.
I am no longer a solitary man.
Every day my time runs out.
Lived like a fool, that’s what I was about, ohI believe in miracles.
I believe in a better world for me and you.
Oh, I believe in miracles.
I believe in a better world for me and you.Tattooed your name on my arm.
I always said my girl’s a good luck charm.
If she can find a reason to forgive,
Then I can find a reason to live.I used to be on an endless run.
Believe in miracles ’cause I’m one.I have been blessed with the power to survive.
After all these years I’m still alive.I believe in miracles.
I believe in a…

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