Chapter 10: Now what?

Do you know the greatest difficulty of depression? Is to be seen. When I first starting doing therapy I didn’t know how big of a shit I was in. I knew it was big, but no idea it was that big. That is what she said by the way.

Here is the thing, what makes us humans is our emotions and our ability to feel it and express. When I first started therapy I knew something was wrong, and hearing that I was depressed meant nothing, because I was emotionally numb. Therefore, I need to learn how to feel and learn my emotions again. Once I did that I started to understand how big the shit was.

Once I accepted that I was depressed I realized that it was about my existence, my feelings. Just like the song walking contradiction; “I have no belief but I believe I am walking contradiction and I have no right.” That is how it felt, like I had no right to feel how I felt, not even if was causing me harm. Now what makes it harder is when you finally accept and tell people you were depressed most people think is bullshit. They think that because is something invisible and in my case I was a good actor pretending everything was fine. Kind of like on that movie Anger Management with Adam Sandler.

Now the opposite of Anger is Joy and there is nothing more fun than learn and play these songs. I believe that feelings are our super power as humans, because they guide us and life is how you feel. So, now that I got my power back I can say “Don’t fuck with my feelings”. Learning how to sing, play, write (blog and book), write punk songs for kids is such a big metaphor for me, like I am gaining really gaining my super powers back (voice). That feels really good, like I can finally love myself and rise out of the depression that I was in for a long time. Like the Religious heaven boring and all the same and what is worst, in a bad neighborhood since you need to go through the gates of heaven.

Now is time to raise hell because isn’t a bad place, and now that I got my power back nobody messes with my feelings, neither with my kids feelings. Not even God (per Religion), because the truth is people might never understand how music makes me feel, the same way on how marijuana doesn’t numb my feelings it just amplifies, the same way music does. Now, I don’t give a shit of what people think. However, I do care about children that is why is important to teach them not to sell their soul.

Punkaste,

Rirou

Listen up here, I’ll make it quite clear
I’m gonna put some boogie in your ear
Shake and bop, don’t you stop
Dance like a maniac until you drop I don’t mind, I don’t mind
I can run a razor right up your spine
What are you waiting for?
What do you think you were created for? Show us, you care, show us you dare
You don’t know what happened if you weren’t there Born to raise hell, born to raise hell
We know how to do it and we do it real well
Born to raise hell, born to raise hell
Voodoo medicine, cast my spell
Born to raise hell, born to raise hell
Play that guitar just like ringin’ a bell Take it or leave it Going for broke, rock ’til you choke
It don’t matter if you drink or smoke
Speak through the beat, get up on your feet
Sweating like a hound dog, white as a sheetDon’t you be scared, don’t you be scared
Everybody terrified, it don’t seem fair
What are you waiting for?
What do you think you were creating for Out of your seat, blind in the heat
Do the nasty boogie mama, stomp your feet Born to raise hell, born to raise hell
We know how to do it and we do it real well
Born to raise hell, born to raise hell
Go back to zero, take a pill and get well
Born to raise hell, born to raise hell
Be a good soldier and die where you fell Born to raise hell, born to raise hell
We know how to do it and we do it real well
Born to raise hell, born to raise hell
Go on out and boogie ’cause you never can tell Born to raise hell, born to raise hell
Be a good soldier and die where you fell
Born to raise hell, born to raise hell
We know how to do it and we do it real well

Chapter 9: An inner child revolution

This probably because is where I complete a full rebirth. I mean, fatherhood for me at least feels like a rebirth, and in my other post “God hate us all I said: “you may say I am the devil, I wouldn’t say no”, now bare with me cause shit is about to go down and I am about to take my insanity to a whole new level.

In numerology my life path is the number 9, and how is that calculated is simple you add every single digit of your birthday. In my case, June 21st 1980 (Yoga day and Summer solstice) so 0+6+2+1+1+9+8+0= 27, then for numerology sake you add 2+7= 9, so path life 9. Now, I am american from birth because of my Dad but I was born in Rio de Janeiro Brazil where June 21st is the winter solstice, the darkest day of the year. And I was born at the peak of darkness, a 15 minutes to midnight. Now my favorite song of the whole world is 666 the number of the beast by iron maiden, I realize in numerology 6+6+6=18, and 1+8=9. Add the fact that I did 18 ironmans in order to face demons, and again 1+8=9. Well, you take your conclusions!

Now, Luke (not from the bible I must enforce this, from Luke Skywalker) means light and Luke was born on the pick of summer in the Sun shine state, and the moon only shine because the light of the sun. Due to my past with Religion and my almost 40 years of existential crisis that caused me a lot of pain I always considered myself a “moonchild” (another Iron Maiden song). One thing I notice is that Luke have a power to turn on love in people, and he did that with me before he was even born when I got the guitar.

As I explained before my promise before I became a Dad was to get my shit together in relationship to my depression. One day during a therapy session I asked the therapist, what depression had to do with the inner child? She said “Everything”. I realized that in order to heal from my depression I need to heal my inner child.

Now, I am the type of guy that like to face my demons, and after a lot of therapy I realized that I was fighting something big. My issue is Religion, and now that Amber (my daughter), the color of the energy,  is coming and she is boosting my mission. So I decided to start writing the story, and just the other day I started writing the book about this whole mess. I am using a ghostwriter and he asked me, what is the goal of the book and I said “to destroy religion, because I can IMAGINE a world without religion”.

“Imagine there’s no heaven
It’s easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people living for today”

Now the way I see it is heavy metal tells you that shit is fucked up, and punk rock is all about change. Healing my inner child is a way to heal my world, and destroying religion is a way to heal the world. That is why this is an inner child revolution, anarchy with a discipline of an ironman. Because that is the only way to be!!!! My goal is to save the children from Religion where they can live free from “Judgments of heaven” (another iron maiden song) and be happy! So, yeah maybe I am the devil after all but I am this kind of devil:

Since, I explained on chapter 8 if God hate us all due to the fact that Religion is exclusive, and punk rock is extremely inclusive therefore, I will use the enemy music and books as my weapons. That is why the first book on my channel for kids is “It’s okay to be different” which for me is first punk rule. May my love for books and music be my guide!

Voice inspired by How I read Pete the Cat to Luke. Now is Rirou the Punk voice.

Punkaste,

Rirou

Anarchy in UK was my to go song at 7 years old, my favorite song to skateboard and rock my air guitar. This song was presented to me as a Megadeath song, and took me a few years to realize that was a punk rock song from Sex Pistols and that was a Megadeath cover. By the time I learned that I was already hook on Punk by the Ramones, and for me that only made even more sense!

Chapter 7: The punk in me honors the punk you

The day of this picture was the day my eyes open after Luke was born. I mean, I was blind for awhile due to the light Luke brought to me. That day was also the same day Luke opened his eyes physically also the day he flipped everybody off. I mean he was on planet earth for 19 days and all we did was test after test to figure it out what was going on. That was the day things started to change and I understood as: He is fine, he just needs love like any other child in the world.

From that point on my wife and I said enough testing, let’s just wait for more results to come and start seeing what we need to do take him home, taking him out to see the sun, take him to the beach, take him skateboarding, start living in general. We started to work on getting out of the hospital. In other words, we said let him shine and see what support he needs.

Feeling that Luke was fine helped me keep going within and keep working on my healing, he actually speed up the process. That was my promise to myself, I did not want to pass on my baggage to my kids. Luckily, that was not my first transformation, so I knew what I needed to do. In order to change anything you must first destroy the old and that is what I did, something I call anarchy with a discipline of an ironman. I didn’t think twice, and I decided to fully retire form racing and only coach. That felt really good.

I started to build the new or what I thought was the new, but the universe was sending me another way and little by little I started to lose my clients. Until one day my coaching deal with LA Fitness ended out of nowhere. So, we decided to move to Colorado. I tried a to do the same old story, go back to school but that was not it either. I was still confused, so I found a therapist in Colorado and restarted my therapy sessions.

This time therapy were really intense, since I was getting into the core of the issue of my depression. I mean, up to know I have used physical pain (ironman), and it help however it was not healing. I was just a slave of pain. For me, all we need is Love, so I needed to Love myself and that means embrace and accept my inner punk. I knew what I needed to do was to heal my inner child, I was still angry inside. For me that was only one option: I needed to make that air guitar become real. I needed learn how to play my favorite songs in the guitar, that was my goal when I got the guitar before Luke was born. Yeah, those same songs that I always heard it was taking me to hell.

I started to play and since I always wanted to do some non-profit and something the brings change, I was looking for something that could unite both. With time my mission started to make sense, and again the universe made his move and put me in inside a preschool classroom. I did the first year of preschool with Luke as his nurse cause she quit in the 1st month. There I realized that kids are naturally born punks, they know about love and unity. I mean, seen how Luke rocks and keep asking for fast songs, and seen kids in preschool I am sure kids are born punks! Therefore, we just need to teach them not to sell their soul and embrace their inner punk.

The more I meditate the more insane I become, and I know that I need to fulfill my destiny. I decided to turn my anger into something nice. I realize that if I use the enemy (rock) and start them early I could raise an army of punks. An army of love, and love you know, spreads like fire. Therefore, I could make a real change in world while healing myself. As I learn how to play my favorite “Religious” songs they inspire me to create Punk Rock songs for kids. This way I can change the world one kid at the time…. Some might enjoy, some might not, but remember it’s okay to be different, and love is love.

Punkaste,

Rirou

Chapter 6: “I have no belief, but I believe I am walking contradiction…”

Well, we that was how we started our NICU journey. Looking back at my life I could clearly see that I went to 2 big transformations which all of them had a piece of spirituality. The first one was a mental transformation back in 2003 when I decided to start fighting depression, and I started yoga back then. The second one was a body transformation that started back in 2012, that is when I started receiving Reiki. When we got pregnant my spiritual awakening just grew exponentially. In every transformation I went through things get pretty intense at first, specially if is a radical one. They get intense because you need to destroy the old in order to build the new. To be honest, that is the only way to do, otherwise you will never change. If you wanna change you need to be Roots and Radical.

In the NICU the feelings were raw an intense, that push all your limits above and beyond. Those are real human emotions and super intense, you literally go from 0 to 100 is seconds. Anyways, for me, inclusion starts at home, so my wife and I pretty much moved into the room that the hospital provide for families that lived far: The Conine House. And that is where we lived for the next 84 days, after all we are a family, we are all in this together. My mother-in-law stayed at home with Bolt (our dog) that did not leave Luke’s room until we were back home 84 days later. Honestly, he only left to go outside and then back to his room. Crazy!

During the NICU time I heard all kind of things from Doctors. I was scared and confused, but somehow I knew in my heart that Luke was okay. I was so overwhelmed with everything around me. So, I had to slow down. I started to meditate even more, specially next to Luke with lots of mental talks with him. I started to receive Reiki every time I could, and I started to go to Reiki circles in the hospital (super cool that the hospital have a Reiki Circle). I also restarted practicing yoga own my own in the Conine house in the early AM before crossing the street to see Luke wake up. My goal was to be strong spiritually so I could help Luke, and be there for him. I told Luke I couldn’t stay there 24/7 there, but I left the Chewbacca mask next to his bed, so he knew he was not alone.

With time everything started to make sense to me. Honestly, the way it felt was when Luke was born he came with so much light that it blind me for awhile. That being said, as the days went by in the NICU I started to see again but much much more clearly, and things started to make sense, and it was really ironic. Once I heard that irony is the face of God, and as I look to my life is pure irony, like I am literally walking in contradiction. You doubt? let me tell you:

  1. I was a sensitive boy that cried a lot, but at the same time I love heavy metal. I heard my entire life, how I could be so zen and listen to metal?
  2. I am metal head that loves punk rock, usually those 2 don’t match. I hear all the time, you are a punk that likes slayer?Yeah, I fucking love slayer! I also love the dark side of things, because they are real and raw.
  3. I feel I have a really strong spirituality, (intuition, deja-vu etc). I honestly feel that the universe and I have a super strong connection (its a huge story). Truth being said, up to now my feelings were 99.9% of the time right, it’s just hard to trust them because of what I learned. Yet, I don’t believe in God because I hate religion (Religion is simply exclusive, like a box or an aquarium). However, I believe in the Force, the life force that bind us together because for me it’s all connected.
  4. I was a pro athlete that didn’t want to take performance enhancing drugs (I always like weed but weed is not a drug). Yeah, don’t pretend you don’t know, 90% or more of the athletes take something. Even amateurs. Anyways, I was racing for me, because I had a purpose for doing 18 fucking ironmans. I was facing one demon at the time on those races, and that is when I learned that the dark side is your friend. I always loved the dark side, and as a punk I love to face them. After all I love challenging the status quo, like I was born for that!
  5. I always said that hell was a good place. I mean, think about it: Tons of beer, weed, rock and roll for eternity? Where do I sign up? and I think most of my friends will be there, so hell here I go!
  6. In school I didn’t want to cheat, and I didn’t like to study either. That is why I flunk 3 times. I am not perfect, I did cheat a few times but mostly on group work, where some of my friends saved me. But in general, I did try to take responsibility for my grades. In the triathlon was the same, I didn’t want to cheat, where 70% of the athletes did cheat. I honestly rather finish last than cheat, again I had a reason why I was doing those races. Physical pain helps with emotional pain.
  7. Now 2 triathletes have a son with muscle weakness, how ironically beautiful this is? I mean, who better than 2 triathletes, to parent a kid like Luke?

For me being a Dad is accepting a Soul that is coming, and that soul is coming for spiritual growth, meaning we are all perfectly imperfect and life is a challenging school. Therefore, the way I see it is I got the son that I need for my spiritual growth and Luke have the parents that will help his spiritual growth, same thing with my daughter that is coming soon (we are at 32 weeks today). My biggest fear in the NICU was how I was going to teach Luke about acceptance, if I haven’t accepted myself. Meaning, I dealt with depression for a reason, and now it was time to heal.

Punkaste,

Rirou

The holy book

After Rirou’s walk through the COVID-420, a 40 day introspection Rirou finally finish writing the Rock-it-ology holy book. The way this new faith works is simple, everything from the heart is free. Rirou only charges the things he paid to learn, quite simple. Therefore, the holy book (e-book) is free, except the diet (last part).

ROCK-IT-OLGY schedule:

Monday: A case of the Monday’s interview.

Tuesday: Star Punks Blog post.

Wednesday: English YouTube video from comedy to music.

Thursday off

Friday: Star Punks Blog post.

Saturday: Off

Sunday: Portuguese YouTube video.

Today is Wednesday so check out today’s video!

Punkaste,

Rirou

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