Chapter 13: Mother’s Day

Happy mother’s day to all mother’s out there and in special to the mother of my kids.

First, I must acknowledge how hard it is to be a mom in the present days. I see it everyday! I mean, the mother’s energy is different than the father for obviously reasons, therefore their brain and physiology weired different, so to keep a balance is much much harder. My wife works from home and I see how hard it is, in between baby phisiological needs, work and how a mom energy (the soul) is wired is very hard work. Like they don’t have time to think! It’s very punk! I belive women are way stonger than men in so many ways!

Second, I am a stay home Dad and my brain is not wired like a mom, to look at details, and believe me is a lot! Specially when I have my days, the days I go back to my scared traumatized innerchild. Yeah, that does not make thinks easier for her, and for any other mom out there, cause you know… There are quite a few traumatized men out there because we were trained not to talk about our feelings. I know I wasn’t, and for me it’s a daily work, is getting better, however I must say, sometimes for her it must feels like that she has 3 kids! I can’t express how grateful I am, because now she can reconize my struggle and just say: go skateboarding or go for a drive with loud music, it’s an incredible! So on top of everything I have to reconize this is as another super power that she has.

Third, I believe we choose our parents, and I can assure Luke and Amber choose the perfect mom for their journey in this life! As of for me, I am just an lucky asshole the won in the life lottery, the lottery that has nothing to do with money and everything to do with love.

Happy Mother’s Day to all Mothers out there, in special to the mother of my kids, you fucking rock! Honestly, you are modern day super hero, that is the only way to describe and only way to reconize all you do for our family. We love you!

Punkaste,

Rirou

Chapter 12: Full Moon

This past full moon the energy was strong but at the same time different. The energy felt like I was releasing so much old shit, like the energy totally change. Like a complete shift. At least for me.

I mean I finally got into the acceptance of my sensitivity. Truth is the moon has always affected me and that used to scared me, a lot. Let’s say, a small fear of the dark. However, at the age of 33 I started to search for this, and things intesified after I became a Luke’s Dad.

This pass full moon everything shift, I mean literally everything. But not because I understand. Actually, about life all I know is I know nothing. All I know is the places I have been, which was a lot, let’s say hell ain’t a bad place to be. Yeah, I have been there too. Anyways, what shift was that I no longer fear my sensitivity, instead I rock it.

The best part of all is that I was able to teach Luke not to fear that. I mean, this full moon he felt a lot, he was crying for an hour. Similar to me as a kid, but on that time, I was told boys didn’t cry, oh well, shit happens! So, I took him out side to see the moon, feel the energy, meditate, small reiki session,a talk and music with Bob Marley (me singing). He finally stopped crying right away and slept.

That was a great feeling knowing that the history doesn’t need to repeat itself. My kids won’t fear their sensitivity, I know that because at his age I used to dream about going into a really dark place (that is what judgement do). A place I was small as an ant, Luke wakes up and tells me he dreamed with sun and fans. I make sure I ask him every what was dreams with. That for me is a huge win in the parenting territory for me, because the truth is if I have any talent in this life being a Dad is definitely one.

Punkaste,

Rirou

Note: This is weekend is the weekend for strength for nemaline myopathy Luke’s physical challenge in life, if possible consider giving a donation for nemaline myopathy research, science is very close to finding therapies.

Chapter 10: The dream is true.

About 2 weeks ago I started dreaming that Luke, my first born, was talking (he is almost 5 and non verbal). Anyways, I had this dream 3 nights in a row. Normally when that kind of stuff happens I don’t say a word, however since I am getting out of depression and gaining my voice, I told my wife and Luke about the dream. That is when things got weird.

A few days after I started to notice Luke using his talker more and his voice, but never mouth movement and sound together. Is usually one or the other. Until the other day when I was recording the Punkaste video, and my wife called me and said: -Come here, your dream is true!

When I arrived at the living room, Luke simply said “Ma” with sound and mouth movement and of course, I freaked out. A dream that became real shouldn’t freak me out, right? The issue is, it’s not the first time. My life is full of stories like that I just never really talked about it, and after Luke was born things got more intense.

This is actually pretty cool if it wasn’t for the fact that I was scared of my spirituality. This fear is what created my depression on the first place, so the fact that, I opened up with my wife about that and that I am here writing about it is fucking a HUGE step into my healing. Anyways, the crazy part is that I feel what Luke feels and vice-versa, so seems like my theory of the Dream of mirrors is true!

Speaking of dreams the one of me creating music is also true, and also the one of me writing my coaching philosophy as well, the inner child revolution guide. Those dreams along with a few other in my life (book is coming soon) are true. I am grateful that even scared as fuck I follow them.

Punkaste,

Rirou

Chapter 9: 2020, the greatest metaphor

Many see 2020 as a bad year but for me it was the greatest year. I mean I love crisis because it bring that best in all of us if you take the opportunity,  and understand life’s metaphors.

When 2020 came along I was already in the process of writing my coaching  methodology. However,I was having a hard time with the final stages. I have made a clear connection between mind and body when talking about health, but the soul part have not been totally clear to me.

Depression is like onions,  full of layers and each layer have a lot of crying, pain, fear etc to be released. It’s hard, specially when you are getting to the core of the issue, which for me is existence. So, in 2020 I used the corona virus lockdown as a metaphor.  I was already going within for awhile, but this time I just took a deeper dive and went all in. I am talking about meditation 2x a day, sometimes 3. I went super deep and starter to connect all the dots in my life until now (never stops is my guess). Because the truth is purpose is the way out of depression. Purpose, not goals.

Now when it comes to soul talk, I must say: It has nothing to do with Jesus or God, It’s actually within. The issue is, going within is painful and we all fear pain. For me the issue is not the virus and the solution is not the vaccine, I think the shit is much deeper. The issue is existential,  lack of purpose, and the solution is going within. That is the greatest metaphor that 2020 brought us. To go within our houses, in this case ourselves, our soul.

One day I read in a book: “can you imagine a planet with a bunch of souls with no purpose? Well I can, Planet earth. Truth being told,if  there is one thing that corona virus gave all of us is an existential crisis, which reflects in our health system. First, we don’t face due to fear. Yeah, going to church is easy and not believing in nothing, it’s also easy. Now, stop go within and face your own existence and ask yourself: Qual é do bagulho? (Translation: what’s the meaning of life?), it’s very hard. Second, I believe we have all been traumatized on the soul level, let’s be honest, we live in the world that trys to put everything in a box, and in the world like this is hard to find any meaning to life. Third, is that I honestly think we are all disconnected. For me, food is what makes the biggest connection between us and the environment (planet), and health.  In this sense we are serverly disconnected and ironically is where my depression actually started, with the word: DIET.

Now, I think I am over the fear, at least over a good significant part of the fear. The reality is a traumatized soul with a malnourished body is a true disaster. Actually, if you think about it; a traumatized soul with malnourished body is actually war conditions. When we are in war with ourselves, we get fearful. Fear get you paralyzed and in fear we don’t think, we just react. So, to begin my philosophical health movement I must say, it all starts with food. Then you must go within and face your fears.

The formula out of depression is Purpose = coffee × weed² (P=CW²). Here are my videos of the week. The innerchild revolution is a philosophy created by my own experiences and studies. Disclaimer coming this week!

Punkaste,

Rirou

Chapter 6: as wicked

For years I believe I was doom for a life of surfering and pain. For real, was a feeling that I couldn’t enjoy life, and if I did I would be punished. Everything that gave me joy was going to be the end of the world. Like, everything was my fault. Heavy metal thought me that the easy way out, ending life, was not an option. 

Yes, it’s true, the feeling was that I was wicked. Like in my dreams is it was always there,  demons faces saying I couldn’t enjoy life. I didn’t know what those demons were until I picked up the guitar to play at 39 years old. Not only that, it only started to make sense on my 40th birthday! That’s when I realized I was battling my own existence.

At age of 39 is when I told my wife, I wanted to be the one who stays home with the kids and learn music. Not only because I didn’t want to work. I mean I don’t want to work, because the truth I can’t have a boss. I think from all the bosses that I had, there is a very few that I didn’t say fuck off. Me out there is a menace to society. It’s true, cause I have an attitude and I know how to use it, like the guy from office space.  The scene where the guy from office space,  says fuck off and got promoted actually happened in my life a few times. Or that scene with George Costanza, when he does everything the opposite way. Anyways,  I said I want to stay home and say fuck you to the Pope and rock. I also wanted to stay home mostly because Luke is as sensitive, if not more than I am, and now Amber. She is also super sensitive. 

Scaping hell (depression) is about learning about my sensitivity and using, and as I do that I want to teach my kids how to use their strength in life, after all my sensitivity is my strength. This way the story won’t repeat itself. The crazy thing is as a sensitive person I became very angry inside due to not exploring my sensitivity,  and swallowing my feelings. Didn’t look like I was an angry person because like the movie Anger Management he says there are 2 kinds of people: the one who explodes and the one who listened quietly day after day. Well, I am/was the one who listened day after day. Felt like I was grounded for 33 years.

Hell and fire was spawned to be released and that’s when the other day I made the video of saying fuck you to the Pope. As I released all this anger in form of art I noticed that things actually started to workout in my life, and the paranoia is gone. Things are no longer heavy and the energy is flowing. Not only that, by doing this, it creates a positive effect in the people around me, my family. Maybe not the devoted catholics since my story make them uncomfortable, but it’s what they say, life begins at the end of the confort zone.

Now I planned to release my first kids song in portuguese this week, however since we are moving (we got a house, see how choosing love/joy things workout?), I decided to wait and record the video in the new house. I believe this will have a much deeper meaning. Because the reality is, on January 20th,  Saint Sebastian day the Padron of my hometown (Rio de Janeiro,  Brasil) we bought our first home. That day was when the world turned around for me, that day was the day I realized I was not doomed, and I finally found my place under the sun. Yeah, I escaped hell, and it felt like a slapt in the face of destiny. Well, maybe not a slapt, but more like a mooning to destiny. I always loved mooning LOL. 

Punkaste,

Rirou

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